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David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

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Is it abuse to force atypical kids to conform to norms of society?

By David McElroy · February 11, 2022

I felt completely different from the other kids. We moved a lot when I was young, so I was in a new school every year. Atlanta, Knoxville, Meridian, Anniston, Birmingham and Pensacola. That was just through the seventh grade.

I was always the new kid in class. I was always the new “smartest kid in class,” too. But even beyond that, I simply felt different from the others. My thinking was different. I wanted different things. My play was different. I felt like an alien.

But on the outside, I complied with every norm of my childhood culture. I looked and acted like the others. I obeyed their norms. I learned to fit. I didn’t want to, but I learned to play the part that was expected of me. I was forced to learn.

I’ve been thinking about this lately because I’ve been learning about the experiences of high-functioning autistic children and their families. Until recently, I’d never thought about the challenges faced by such families, but now that I’m thinking through the issues involved, I feel a lot of empathy for children in such situations.

As I’ve learned about the therapy considered the “gold standard” for autistic children — “applied behavior analysis” — I’m comparing it to what I experienced as a child. I’m finding a lot of autistic people who say this therapy is abusive. And I don’t know what to think.

How far is it reasonable to go to mold and manipulate a child to fit into his or her society? Is it abusive and immoral to force someone whose nature is fundamentally different from ours to conform to our expectations?

I don’t have an answer to these questions. I feel as though I’ve waded into quicksand — where good people on both sides of an argument feel strongly that they have right on their side.

The people in favor of applied behavior analysis (ABA) say it’s the best tool to get children to be more like non-autistic children — so that they can function in mainstream society. They say that autistic children — especially those high-functioning children who mostly resemble their peers — have to be trained to emulate the behavior that’s expected of them.

Autistic people who say this therapy is abuse point to the history of the therapy, when its pioneers used harsh punishment to gain children’s compliance with behavior which seemed alien to them. And even though these negative punishments aren’t typically used in ABA today, they say that it’s still a manipulative attempt to force children to be something which they’re not.

Essentially, autistic people say that what they are is what is normal to them. They ask why they should be required to pretend to be something other than what they are. The ABA therapy seems to be about achieving outward behavior that emulates the behavior of mainstream children — but what is the cost to the child if this is sending him or her the message that he or she is fundamentally broken?

I constantly got the message when I was a child that I couldn’t be “good enough” to satisfy a harsh and demanding father. His methods worked. He turned his three children into completely compliant little robots who always acted exactly the way he wanted, especially around others. This allowed him to feel good about himself. But I’ve spent years coming to terms with the damage this did to me.

Maybe it’s not reasonable to compare what I went through to what autistic children go through with ABA treatment. I’m honestly not sure. But it feels similar enough in spirit that I can put myself into the mind of a young autistic child — and I wonder about the long-term effects of being molded to be something which feels alien to the child.

The people who oppose the therapy seem to ignore two very pragmatic considerations, though.

First, if an autistic child engages in some sort of behavior that is off-putting to the rest of the world — something which would cause him or her to be rejected by the mainstream in the future — is it kind or moral to allow that behavior to continue? If such behavior will make it difficult for the growing child to have friends and eventually to hold jobs, is it the more loving thing to take serious steps to change the behavior?

Second, the reality is that parents have to find ways that they can reasonably live with their growing children for 20 years or more. Some behavior which might be “authentic” to the child might make life a nightmare for a parent. How far is it reasonable to expect an autistic child to become something he or she is not — in order to allow the parent to have a sane and peaceful life?

When I was young, I was sure that I understood the best ways to raise and train children. I would use the same methods my father used, because I thought his methods had done such a good job with me. It took me a long time to realize this wasn’t the case — that I had actually been left damaged in ways that I struggled to understand.

But this issue takes that question to another level. If a child’s fundamental nature is completely different on the inside — different from what you or I will ever experience — what is most likely to allow that child to have a healthy and productive future? And what therapy will allow the best balance — to meet the child’s needs on his or her own terms, but also allow for peace and tranquility in a home?

I used to think I had all the answers — or at least most of them — but I understand now that life is far more complicated than I ever thought. Even for people who have the best of intentions.

Until recently, I had no thoughts about any of these questions related to autism and how it should be treated. Now, I just realize how much I still have to learn.

I now have tremendous empathy for autistic children, especially for the high-functioning child who could be mistaken for any other child much of the time. That child has a long path ahead — of learning how to fit into a world which operates on completely different thinking than he or she experiences.

And I now have great empathy for the parents who have to deal with this in their children. It’s one thing for therapists and academics and activists to debate this therapy (and call each other nasty names at times). But a loving parent faces real, difficult questions that can change everything for his or her child. It can require difficult choices.

It’s not so clear and obvious what a loving parent should do for a child with such needs. There appear to be no perfect solutions, but that loving mother or father has no choice but to make hard choices anyway — and hope he or she is doing the right thing.

That has to be heart-rending. It has to be scary. Those parents deserve love and support as they make these difficult choices and try to shepherd their children through a very complicated life.

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On a live awards show Sunday night, one man made a joke about a female celebrity. The husband of the celebrity was offended and hit the man who made the joke. Or maybe it was staged for entertainment. Who knows? Who cares? Social media is full of discussion — and even arguments — about this idiocy today. This baffles me. Let’s assume for a moment that the event happened as reported. People have been having such idiotic fights ever since there have been humans. Half the bars in the world see such brief dustups regularly. It simply doesn’t matter. The fact that so many people believe they need to talk about this — or even need to have opinions about it — is more evidence of the bizarre media brainwashing that convinces many to care passionately about brain-dead trivia. Your life will be happier and saner if you focus on yourself, your family and your friends, not on whatever scripted (or spontaneous) bilge that the media wants to pipe into your home.

I’m in the middle of migrating this website to new servers this week. This means you might encounter some unexpected behavior until I get all the bugs worked out. Clicking on my links (including this one) might cause your browser to give you the message that it’s a site without a current security certificate. It’s not actually unsafe, but there’s something which isn’t yet set up for the security certificate. I apologize for any such errors you might encounter while the process is going on. If you notice any problems with content which didn’t migrate properly, I would appreciate you letting me know the details at davidmcelroy@mac.com. Thanks for your patience.

I often wonder what animals think when they look at us and consider the society we’ve created. Yes, I know this is fanciful and unrealistic, but what if they could? Would they be astounded at how we treat each other? Would they be disgusted by the ugliness and pettiness which fill so many of our daily interactions? The truth is that I’m feeling pretty disgusted with humanity tonight. I made the mistake of reading some online interactions that I should have avoided — and it sickened me. The people involved appeared to be vile and stupid and arrogant. I wish I could pretend they’re a tiny minority, but I know better. It’s times such as this when I most need to escape much of “civilization” and disconnect from their world. If humans are going to be worthy of “ruling this planet,” we have a lot of growth to do. And I fear that growth is nowhere in sight. So my buddy Thomas, above, and all of his friends would be right to judge us harshly — and to think, “Why do you folks get to be in charge?”

I should have expected this, but I honestly didn’t. The article I wrote last week about disagreements over treatment for autistic children brought me angry emails. You could almost call it “hate mail.” Of the five emails about it so far, two have been to tell me that I’m wrong to even listen to critics of the most popular therapy for autistic children — and the other three tell me I’m wrong for not condemning the treatment as the “obvious” abuse it is. If you read the article, you know I didn’t take a position on the issue, because I simply don’t know enough to have an opinion. But by talking about the issue, I stepped into a heated controversy. The emails from the two sides convinced me of nothing. But they did give me even more empathy for the unfortunate parents who have to figure out for themselves where the truth lies for their children.

Have you ever had what you thought was a new idea — and then discovered that “old you” had the same idea years ago? I had that experience tonight. And it’s been wonderful. I came up with an idea tonight for a very short satirical film that would be a promotion for a fictitious college. The point is to make the college promote — as good things — everything which is actually terrible about most modern colleges. Then I remembered a fake college that I invented back when I was in college. I had created student recruitment brochures and various newsletters back then, so I decided to call my “new” college by the same name I’d invented years ago: Ochita College. As I searched my computer for any old material I might still have about Ochita from the past, I discovered an email I sent to someone in 2009 — outlining essentially the same idea which I came up with tonight. Since I didn’t remember writing that, it felt like magic. So my next film project just might be this one instead. If all goes well, you might soon see “Ochita College: Your Future Starts Here.” This should be fun.

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