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David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

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Paradox of choice can leave us longing for certainty of the past

By David McElroy · May 16, 2022

When I was a very small child, my life was easy to understand. I was my father’s son. I adored him and wanted to be like him. And I needed him to be proud of me.

I wanted and needed my mother’s love and attention. I saw myself as a tiny protector for my younger sisters. Nobody actually told me these things about myself. This was simply an acceptable role for a little boy in my culture. It was my identity.

As I grew up, I added bits and pieces to my identity. Without realizing it, I was choosing from a limited menu consisting of what my culture believed was acceptable. Bit by bit, I developed a definite identity.

I knew who I was. I knew where I belonged. A lot of things were wrong in my life as I grew up, but I firmly understood my place in this world.

Eventually, I broadened my view of myself and who I was. I became someone whose identity diverged more and more from what traditional culture considered acceptable. I made choices which would have once seemed unimaginable to me, but which had come to be acceptable by the culture.

And I’m left with a seeming contradiction. I’ve found a wonderful array of choices which previous generations never had. I’ve had freedom to make my life into things which cultural norms would have prevented for my grandfather or great-grandfather.

But those choices I’ve had — the choices I’ve made for myself — have also taken me further and further from the cultural grounding which gave their lives stability and meaning. And I’m not certain whether my life is better or worse than the lives of those who lived before such choices were possible.

We celebrate choice today. We treat it as an obvious good thing that we have the freedom to decide all sorts of things for ourselves. I’ve always assumed that choice was good. I still believe — at least in the abstract — that it’s better than the alternative.

But I’ve been wondering lately if many of us were better off when we had fewer feasible choices. When we knew who we were. When we were more certain of our place in this world. When each of us understood our place in a culture — and felt secure enough to play the role we had inherited.

I’m not suggesting that some authority — government, religion, tribe, whatever — should go back to dictating how everybody lives. I’m merely suggesting that there has been an imperceptible tradeoff. I’m suggesting that as we’ve all rushed to make such wildly individualistic choices, we might have lost a system which gave each of us a sense of grounding and identity.

There was a time when a typical man of my culture would have lived in a pretty defined sort of way. I would have married young and had children quickly. As an upper middle-class American man, I would have educated myself and gotten a job that would provide for my family. Maybe I would have started a business. My wife would have stayed home to raise our children.

We would have been solid citizens who were at church services on Sundays and Wednesdays. We would have done social activities with our neighbors and with people from our own families.

There were roles for different types of people to play. Some men were the outlaws. Others were the “good guys” who stuck to the straight and narrow. And others were rule-breakers at heart — and who did break rules behind closed doors — while they pretended to live a life on the straight and narrow.

But the roles available — to both men and women — were widely understood. Even if someone might chafe in the role he had inherited for himself, he felt grounded. He knew who he was and where he stood.

Today, we have choices about almost everything. Society has become so liberal — not in the political sense but the sense of accepting others’ choices — that we feel free to make choices that defy the boxes which might have constrained us in previous generations.

In a lot of ways, this is liberating. We’re free. Nobody controls us. We do what we want.

But I’m finding that it comes at a price. If leaves us without a defined sense of identity. It leaves us without a firm grasp on where we stand in the world. And it often leaves us without the community and family bonds which used to make us feel grounded.

We used to know what a marriage was supposed to be. There were understood cultural norms (which varied between cultures), and most people conformed to some version of what was expected.

Today, we’re not sure whether we’re marrying a best friend or a sex partner or a parent for ourselves. We can ignore all of the previous norms and make up our own rules. We can even decide that marriage means we’re going to sleep around with others without guilt. We might even bring in additional partners and call it “polyamory.”

I want people to have the civil and political freedom to make choices which are completely different from what their culture tells them. I don’t want to go back to a day when we literally had no practical choice. There were many, many terrible things about such a system.

But gaining this freedom of choice has come at a terrible price. The longer I live, the more I want to make choices which are more traditional — choices which will give me a more firm identity and a more firm sense of my place in this world.

Maybe part of me wants it both ways. I’m not sure.

The only thing I know for certain is that the cultural freedom which I love and celebrate has come at a tremendous cost. And I’m starting to think that many of us would be happier if we were more traditional and more conservative in our cultural choices.

Choice is a good thing. The result of choice can be a miserable thing. And that’s the uncomfortable paradox of choice. We deserve freedom of choice, but we would sometimes be far better off without it.

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This was the Monday evening sunset. While I was wa This was the Monday evening sunset. While I was waiting for the right color and light, a swarm of gnats descended on my car. It was like the Hitchcock film “The Birds,” except they were gnats. So I got out of there before things could get ugly. 😺 #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I normally get home by the quickest path that will I normally get home by the quickest path that will take me there, but I wasn’t in the mood today to deal with lots of other drivers. So I skipped I-459 and went across the slower two-lane route of Alabama 119. The drive didn’t cure me of all that ails me, but it was a more pleasant and humane experience, at least for me. #nature #naturephotography #trees #countryroad #birmingham #alabama
The skies are a chaotic mix of blue and dark gray The skies are a chaotic mix of blue and dark gray in Birmingham this afternoon. It was mostly blue earlier, but at times it’s turned almost dark as night — before going back to this mixture of heavy clouds and clear skies. It’s beautiful, but it’s hard to guess what’s about to happen. (The National Weather Service issued a thunderstorm warning, so that’s what those folks think is going to happen.) #nature #naturephotography #sky #clouds #birmingham #alabama
This was the sunset behind the restaurant where I This was the sunset behind the restaurant where I hung out to work for awhile this evening. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
There was just an orange glow for sunset tonight. There was just an orange glow for sunset tonight. Nothing fancy. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
This is what the sky looked like just after sunset This is what the sky looked like just after sunset earlier this evening. I couldn’t decide whether to show you the wider view or the closer view, so you got both. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I caught the last little bit of light Saturday eve I caught the last little bit of light Saturday even just after the sun had gone beneath the horizon. When you watch something such as this, it’s easy to understand why early humans assumed that the sun revolved around us instead of the other way around. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I missed most of the sunset Friday evening, but I I missed most of the sunset Friday evening, but I came along just in time to see this color before the light was completely gone. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
As I was almost home — from a very long work day As I was almost home — from a very long work day — I saw this gorgeous sunset over Cedar Grove Baptist Church in Leeds, just a mile or so from my house. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
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For “throwback Thursday, let me introduce you to For “throwback Thursday, let me introduce you to Sam. In 2009, I took in a young feral cat who I named for the early American revolutionary Samuel Adams. He was one of the most confident — downright arrogant, in fact — cats I’ve ever been around. He had an amazing personality and I immediately loved him. He was no more than 8 or 9 months old when he suddenly died for reasons that my vet couldn’t explain. Even though I had him only a short time, he was one of my all-time favorites. #tbt #cats #tabby #feral #birmingham #alabama
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Lucy has been happily rolling around in the freshl Lucy has been happily rolling around in the freshly cut grass of the back yard Wednesday evening. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
Thomas believes that he is the Most Interesting Ca Thomas believes that he is the Most Interesting Cat in the World — and I can’t say he’s wrong tonight. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Merlin is ready for me to turn the last of the off Merlin is ready for me to turn the last of the office lights off so he and Thomas can sleep peacefully without me muttering to myself as I write. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Lucy just finished a Neighborhood Watch patrol and Lucy just finished a Neighborhood Watch patrol and now she’s cooling off in the back yard before heading inside for dinner. Her work is never done. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
Except when he’s asleep, Thomas always looks as Except when he’s asleep, Thomas always looks as though he’s on high alert and ready to run away from danger. His feral early years still dominate his internal programming. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
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My favorite photos of Merlin tend to be those — My favorite photos of Merlin tend to be those — such as this one — in which he seems to be contemplating difficult issues. Feline philosophy or quantum physics or something else that he figures I wouldn’t understand. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #caturday
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On a live awards show Sunday night, one man made a joke about a female celebrity. The husband of the celebrity was offended and hit the man who made the joke. Or maybe it was staged for entertainment. Who knows? Who cares? Social media is full of discussion — and even arguments — about this idiocy today. This baffles me. Let’s assume for a moment that the event happened as reported. People have been having such idiotic fights ever since there have been humans. Half the bars in the world see such brief dustups regularly. It simply doesn’t matter. The fact that so many people believe they need to talk about this — or even need to have opinions about it — is more evidence of the bizarre media brainwashing that convinces many to care passionately about brain-dead trivia. Your life will be happier and saner if you focus on yourself, your family and your friends, not on whatever scripted (or spontaneous) bilge that the media wants to pipe into your home.

I’m in the middle of migrating this website to new servers this week. This means you might encounter some unexpected behavior until I get all the bugs worked out. Clicking on my links (including this one) might cause your browser to give you the message that it’s a site without a current security certificate. It’s not actually unsafe, but there’s something which isn’t yet set up for the security certificate. I apologize for any such errors you might encounter while the process is going on. If you notice any problems with content which didn’t migrate properly, I would appreciate you letting me know the details at davidmcelroy@mac.com. Thanks for your patience.

I often wonder what animals think when they look at us and consider the society we’ve created. Yes, I know this is fanciful and unrealistic, but what if they could? Would they be astounded at how we treat each other? Would they be disgusted by the ugliness and pettiness which fill so many of our daily interactions? The truth is that I’m feeling pretty disgusted with humanity tonight. I made the mistake of reading some online interactions that I should have avoided — and it sickened me. The people involved appeared to be vile and stupid and arrogant. I wish I could pretend they’re a tiny minority, but I know better. It’s times such as this when I most need to escape much of “civilization” and disconnect from their world. If humans are going to be worthy of “ruling this planet,” we have a lot of growth to do. And I fear that growth is nowhere in sight. So my buddy Thomas, above, and all of his friends would be right to judge us harshly — and to think, “Why do you folks get to be in charge?”

I should have expected this, but I honestly didn’t. The article I wrote last week about disagreements over treatment for autistic children brought me angry emails. You could almost call it “hate mail.” Of the five emails about it so far, two have been to tell me that I’m wrong to even listen to critics of the most popular therapy for autistic children — and the other three tell me I’m wrong for not condemning the treatment as the “obvious” abuse it is. If you read the article, you know I didn’t take a position on the issue, because I simply don’t know enough to have an opinion. But by talking about the issue, I stepped into a heated controversy. The emails from the two sides convinced me of nothing. But they did give me even more empathy for the unfortunate parents who have to figure out for themselves where the truth lies for their children.

Have you ever had what you thought was a new idea — and then discovered that “old you” had the same idea years ago? I had that experience tonight. And it’s been wonderful. I came up with an idea tonight for a very short satirical film that would be a promotion for a fictitious college. The point is to make the college promote — as good things — everything which is actually terrible about most modern colleges. Then I remembered a fake college that I invented back when I was in college. I had created student recruitment brochures and various newsletters back then, so I decided to call my “new” college by the same name I’d invented years ago: Ochita College. As I searched my computer for any old material I might still have about Ochita from the past, I discovered an email I sent to someone in 2009 — outlining essentially the same idea which I came up with tonight. Since I didn’t remember writing that, it felt like magic. So my next film project just might be this one instead. If all goes well, you might soon see “Ochita College: Your Future Starts Here.” This should be fun.

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