I’m the common denominator in all of my failed relationships

I was in a small social group Friday night and noticed a beautiful woman who I didn’t know. I listened to her and found her intelligent and interesting. I was intrigued enough to ask a friend who she was.

“Oh, that’s [Woman’s Name],” my friend said. “She’s beautiful and brilliant, but she’s also mentally unstable. She’s definitely your kind of woman.”

I laughed, but I couldn’t argue with that. Brilliant, beautiful and mentally unstable seem to be my kryptonite in women.

It’s funny to joke about, but there’s some truth to it. I’ve somehow been in multiple romantic relationships over the last 20 years that could be considered deeply dysfunctional in one way or another. That didn’t mean they weren’t wonderful women. It also doesn’t mean I regret loving them.

Can I conclude from this that “women are crazy”? That’s what a lot of people see when they find themselves in such situations, but that misses the brutal truth. Yes, I’ve gone through a line of women who I believe need some psychological help.

But I’m the one who’s been the common denominator in all the relationships.

I was attracted to whatever might be crazy in them. Their crazy was attracted to something about my crazy. Even if we didn’t realize it at the time, we were attracted to people who were at our own level of psychological and emotional health. They had issues. I had issues. We needed one another because we could understand each other, even if we weren’t conscious of it at the time.

Whatever I’ve consistently attracted into my life doesn’t say anything about women in general. It says something about me. And whatever you’ve consistently attracted into your life says something about you, too.

Your bad choices in romantic relationships don’t mean that “all men are cheating liars” or “all women are psychotic gold-diggers.” Or whatever you might believe by now.

Every day, I see men and women ranting on social media about how all men are this or all women are that. They don’t seem to realize that their experiences aren’t necessarily a reflection of men or of women in general.

Whatever you believe — about either men or women — in this sort of blanket way is a reflection of what you have chosen for yourself.

There are plenty of good men. There are plenty of good women. It’s incredibly short-sighted when you label half the world based on your own experiences — because those experiences have come from your own choices, whether intentional or not.

I used to have a female friend who had a child with a man. Even before the child came along, the man was physically and emotionally abusive. I wasn’t there, but the stories she told me sounded awful. She stuck with him for awhile, though, long after it was obvious she should have left.

As she battled with him over their child — both wanted control — she became bitter about men. She found other women who had experiences with similar men — and she was soon spewing all sorts of anti-man rhetoric. She had let her own poor choices become the filter through which she saw all men.

She didn’t see that her own choices had led her to where she was. Everything was the fault of men. I eventually drifted away from her, because she had become a hateful bore who was bitter at the world.

Many men do the same things, of course.

One of the most common beliefs among ignorant men is that “all women are crazy. It’s just the way they are.” My observation is that the men who think this way tend to be out of touch with their feelings and have made their relationship decisions based on physical attraction, not deeper compatibility.

If you don’t care much about emotions and you don’t pay attention to how you’re treating someone — in the emotional sense — you’re eventually going to elicit an emotional response. A woman is either going to angrily dump you or else explode with anger about why you won’t understand anything beyond good times.

That kind of man doesn’t tend to learn anything, though. He just decides — after going through the cycle a few times — that all woman are crazy. So he eventually learns to put up with “crazy” in order to get what he wants. But he’s disdainful and disrespectful whenever it’s just his buddies around. They tend to have the same personalities, so they all agree. Women are crazy. So they never learn that they need to make different choices in their relationships. Or that they need to show some emotional growth. Or both.

There was a time when I thought I was going to find the perfect woman. Deep down, I probably believed I was the perfect man. Now, I know better — for both of us.

The kind of woman who I’m attracted to is going to have some issues. If she’s attracted to me, it’s certain that she has issues, too, whether she knows it or not.

But one of the things I learned years ago is that no partner is perfect — and no relationship is perfect.

For me, the trick is simply understanding where I’ve come from and what has made me what I am today — and to realize that I require a woman who’s gone through the same sort of emotional trauma and growth.

There will always be something damaged for me at my core, even though I don’t normally show it. The sort of woman who matches me has serious internal damage as well, even if she hasn’t figured that out yet. If either of us expects perfection, nothing’s going to work. But if we’re both honest about who we are — and why we’re attracted to the other — two people with a dysfunctional past can have a very functional relationship with one another.

Take a long look at your relationships over the years. If they’re healthy and functional — as many are — that’s great. You probably have a healthy view of those of that sex. But if you’ve been through a series of wrong men or crazy women, there’s a good chance you have some sort of issue that makes you oddly compatible with them.

When you take responsibility for the choices you’ve made — and get honest with a partner about what needs to be different for each of you — you can create something good and healthy.

But as long as you think the problem is all the men out there — or all the women out there — you’re doomed to keep making the same bad choices.