For the first time in my life, I’m happy. At least some of the time.
That’s not exactly the right word — when I say “happy” — but it’s the best way I know to describe it. Have I ever experienced happiness before? Yes, of course. But when I’ve been happy in the past, it’s always been that I’ve felt happy about something in particular.
I was happy that a woman loved me. I was happy that I’d solved a major problem. Or gotten something new. Achieved something that made me feel good for a moment.
But there was always an expiration date on those things, even if I often didn’t understand that. If I felt happy that a particular woman loved me — someone who I had wanted, for instance — I typically felt as though this was the one thing that would make me happy for life.
But there was always something missing. Something was wrong.
Once the relationship died — or the shiny new object lost its shine — I always grew restless. Something inside me was always looking for the next big thing that would make me happy.
Slowly — without me consciously noticing it — something changed. A miracle happened.

When governments keep secrets, you’re probably being lied to
It’s great to visit Memory Lane, but it’s fatal to try to live there
Epiphany: Was it so bad that I used to work toward perfection?
Having a bad day? Meg gives you free smiles at the Rainbow Shop
Six months after her death, I like to believe Lucy is waiting for me
For a culture where God is dead, spiritual emergence is madness
Grief keeps reopening the door my loving mother walked out of
Left’s refusal to criticize Obama because he’s black is simply racist
My need to rescue my child self fuels my urge to rescue animals