David McElroy

I doubt you care about this, but I need to talk about it. Will you forgive me?

I’m struggling to launch DavidMcElroy.TV. In the early stages, I was struggling with technical and creative issues, but I’m past enough of those to get started. For the last few weeks, the issues have been more fundamental.

What do I want this channel to be? And what will convince you to watch?

When I worked in politics, I had a simple goal that drove every decision I made. If my client won, that’s all that mattered. I felt that I understood how to manipulate voters, so if you gave me an appropriate budget — in a district where I understood the demographics — I knew how to achieve the goal.

I wasn’t concerned with my personal beliefs. I wasn’t trying to make great art. I didn’t care whether voters liked me. In the words of legendary Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis, “Just win, baby!”

Today, I’m trying to build a commercial audience, so I have to care what the audience thinks. But I want to make something I’m proud of — something that represents my view of the world — so I’m struggling to figure out what will achieve both of those goals.

Am I here to explain complicated philosophical ideas that matter to me — and few others — even if I try to avoid seeming nerdy about it? Am I here to entertain and amuse a passive audience, even if it means dumbing the ideas down?

And can I set aside my ego enough to find a compromise between my intellectual integrity and my need to run a business?

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I’ve paid more attention to Merlin this week than I have in a long time. I hadn’t been ignoring him before. He hasn’t done anything to require more attention. But I’ve been painfully aware that he won’t be with me forever.

I’m sitting in my bedroom floor Thursday night and Merlin is sleeping on the bed just inches from me. Lucy is in the floor next to me on my other side. (Thomas is off doing his own thing in the office.)

Molly’s death last Friday had the same effect on me that all of my cat and dog deaths have had. The pain of losing one of them reminds me to love and appreciate the ones I still have — while I still can.

Merlin has been with me for about 14 years. (I don’t remember for sure.) He was already several years old when I brought him in from the streets. When I put those together, I realize that my wise old man might not be with me too much longer — and it makes me want to appreciate whatever time he has left with me.

If you want to love and appreciate something you love — or someone you love — just remember that you can lose this cherished person or thing. There comes a time when it will be too late.

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Think about the worst decision you’ve ever made — the one thing you know you should have done differently.

“If only someone could’ve warned me,” you might think. “If I had just known, everything would be different today.”

I’ve thought things similar to that. After things end in ways that make me unhappy, I tend to go back and find the one moment — and there usually is one moment — when I made a decision or took an action that caused what I’m unhappy about.

I’m prone to thinking how different things could be if I had a time machine to go back to that moment. But I wonder whether that’s true.

I found out this evening that a young woman who I casually know has gotten engaged. She hasn’t been dating the guy very long — and everyone who knows her seems to have very negative impressions of the way he treats her.

As she stood there this evening showing me her ring, I knew better than to express my misgivings. She wouldn’t listen — just as I suspect I wouldn’t have listened if someone had warned me before my own major mistakes.

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