• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to secondary sidebar
  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Twitter
  • YouTube

David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

  • About
  • Podcasts

Into the light: Is it scarier to face death or to learn how to live?

By David McElroy · May 5, 2014

Walk into the light

I’m afraid of dying. I suspect most people are, but it’s not something we talk about much. I find that every time I’m forced to think about death, it makes me more eager to think more intentionally about life.

There’s nothing in this world more certain than death, but there are few things that most of us would more strongly prefer to avoid even thinking about, at least for ourselves. I presume it comes from the unspoken fantasy or delusion that we’re going to live forever. Nobody really believes that, but we sometimes act as though death doesn’t exist if we don’t acknowledge it for ourselves.

Two things made me think strongly about death over the weekend.

First, I saw a movie over the weekend that deals with death and the afterlife, and it left me thinking a lot about the subject. The movie was “Heaven is for Real.” If you believe in an afterlife, you might enjoy the film. If you only believe in a material world and that consciousness ends with death, you would have no interest.

Second, I finally listened to last week’s episode of the public radio show, This American Life, which was about death and taxes. The segment about death dealt with what it’s like to be around those in hospice care — what’s it like to be the dying person, what’s it like to be family of those people and what’s it like to work with them. The stories were sobering. (I encourage you to listen to the segment.)

As a Christian, it’s easy for me to say, “Yeah, I believe I’m going to heaven and there’s nothing scary about death,” but that’s far too simplistic. It is for me, anyway.

There’s nothing that could be more terrifying to me than the idea of ceasing to exist. If I believed that I would cease to exist — my consciousness would be no more — I would find life and morality to be pretty empty in whatever time I had left. Other people believe in a purely material world and accept the idea of the end of their own existence and find ways to say life and morality have meaning. I don’t understand their way of thinking — as they don’t understand mine — but I only point it out to say that we all find beliefs that give us whatever we need to continue to exist where we are.

Materialists would say that those who believe in life after death have fooled themselves in order to give our lives meaning so can live today. Those of us who believe in the spiritual world see the materialists as contradicting themselves, because if there’s no ultimate meaning and no life after the human body dies, everything here is meaningless, in our view.

I’ve always found it interesting that in Paul’s letters to churches in the New Testament, he referred to us as having “hope” of a life in heaven after death. Although I’ve heard it interpreted in various ways, it always struck me that maybe Paul wasn’t so certain about exactly what happened after we died. If that were the case in some way, I’m with Paul. I don’t know what happens.

Over the years, Christians — and various others of spiritual faith — have filled in the gaps and invented stories. Our mythology and even popular religious imagery are filled with ideas from literature about what heaven and hell will be life — Peter at the gates of heaven, for instance, checking a book to see whether a person gets in or not.

Near-death experiences have given us different images, but since those people have all “come back,” it’s hard to know whether to trust their experiences, especially when neuroscientists work so hard to explain such things away — to say, “We think we can replicate this, so this must be what happened.”

So we’re filled with images and hints — from religious scriptures, literature and subjective experiences. What do we choose to believe?

I don’t know for sure, and that terrifies me. Although I still plan to live many, many more years, I’m old enough to start wondering. And as I wonder more about what happens, I can’t help but think about what I’ve done with the years I’ve had — and worry about not having used them as I wish I had.

About 15 years ago, I took a personality test that was the most accurate I’ve ever taken. In about 10 pages, the ANSIR profile described me in ways that left me amazed that a series of questions could have produced these insights. (The name was an acronym for “a new style in relating.”) The test is no longer available, because the author died and the site seems to have died with her, but there are still copies of a related book available, although I don’t know how useful the book is without the test.

The ANSIR profile gave you a type in each of three areas: thinking, working and emoting. For me, it was “visionary” in all three. For each type, there’s a “life purpose” listed. (Mine was, “To be the practical humanitarian dreamer, who sees what others cannot and does what is said cannot be done.”) But it also listed the Achilles’ heel of each type.

According to the test, my Achilles heel is “the fear of not doing something meaningful in your lifetime.” The first page of the profile says, “Visionary is born with a burning need to do something significant with their life; something meaningful and people-bettering. Others can imagine what ringing in the ears is like, but only Visionary knows what an internal clock sounds and feels like. From birth to death, tick-tock is their pulse-close, persistent companion. It won’t be ignored, can’t be drowned out by noise, and through thick and thin, it beats strong and steady. For Visionary, time is always running, always winding down.”

The author was right about this in my case. I constantly hear a ticking in my mind and I constantly fear that I’m not doing something meaningful. And as I contemplate my own death, I hear that tick-tock even more strongly. What am I doing that matters? Am I loving anyone? Am I helping anyone? Am I doing anything that will matter and make the world better?

I’ve lost a lot of time in my life — where did it go? — but I have a lot more time left if I use it properly. As I look at what’s left, I feel fear. I think it’s a fear of death — and a fear of exactly what happens when we die and whether I’m even right about what I believe — but maybe more of the fear is about life. Maybe I’m less afraid of actual death than I am of not doing enough that’s meaningful.

I can’t decide for sure, but I know I don’t like being afraid.

I don’t suppose there’s anything I can do to be more certain about what happens at death. Anyone who says he’s sure about that is speaking from some form of faith, not from experience or certainty.

But I can do something about life. I’ve talked before about the need to reclaim someone who I once was — someone I somehow lost along the way. I started making some changes last year and I’ve made another huge one just in the last month. But I’m moving too slowly. The tick-tock is getting louder in my ears. I need to change more quickly and face my fears more rapidly.

My priorities have strongly shifted in the last few years, but I still don’t know exactly where it’s all leading. I only know for certain that I’ll be less afraid to die if I can be less afraid of doing some of the things that can ultimately give my life meaning.

I don’t want to be afraid to die, but I’m going to keep being afraid to die if I continue to be afraid to live in the ways I need to.

It’s no fun to face fears — for me, anyway — but I feel as though I don’t have a lot of choice. The only way to become less afraid of dying is to stop being so afraid to learn how to live in ways that are consistent with the constant tick-tock of a clock winding down in my head.

Share on Social Networks

Related Posts

  • In dysfunctional modern culture, porn defines ‘normal’ for millions
  • My Twitter suspension is reminder that free speech is under assault
  • How much can human heart take when inner winter lasts forever?

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Primary Sidebar

My Instagram

This was the Monday evening sunset. While I was wa This was the Monday evening sunset. While I was waiting for the right color and light, a swarm of gnats descended on my car. It was like the Hitchcock film “The Birds,” except they were gnats. So I got out of there before things could get ugly. 😺 #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I normally get home by the quickest path that will I normally get home by the quickest path that will take me there, but I wasn’t in the mood today to deal with lots of other drivers. So I skipped I-459 and went across the slower two-lane route of Alabama 119. The drive didn’t cure me of all that ails me, but it was a more pleasant and humane experience, at least for me. #nature #naturephotography #trees #countryroad #birmingham #alabama
The skies are a chaotic mix of blue and dark gray The skies are a chaotic mix of blue and dark gray in Birmingham this afternoon. It was mostly blue earlier, but at times it’s turned almost dark as night — before going back to this mixture of heavy clouds and clear skies. It’s beautiful, but it’s hard to guess what’s about to happen. (The National Weather Service issued a thunderstorm warning, so that’s what those folks think is going to happen.) #nature #naturephotography #sky #clouds #birmingham #alabama
This was the sunset behind the restaurant where I This was the sunset behind the restaurant where I hung out to work for awhile this evening. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
There was just an orange glow for sunset tonight. There was just an orange glow for sunset tonight. Nothing fancy. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
This is what the sky looked like just after sunset This is what the sky looked like just after sunset earlier this evening. I couldn’t decide whether to show you the wider view or the closer view, so you got both. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I caught the last little bit of light Saturday eve I caught the last little bit of light Saturday even just after the sun had gone beneath the horizon. When you watch something such as this, it’s easy to understand why early humans assumed that the sun revolved around us instead of the other way around. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I missed most of the sunset Friday evening, but I I missed most of the sunset Friday evening, but I came along just in time to see this color before the light was completely gone. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
As I was almost home — from a very long work day As I was almost home — from a very long work day — I saw this gorgeous sunset over Cedar Grove Baptist Church in Leeds, just a mile or so from my house. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
Follow on Instagram

Critter Instagram

For “throwback Thursday, let me introduce you to For “throwback Thursday, let me introduce you to Sam. In 2009, I took in a young feral cat who I named for the early American revolutionary Samuel Adams. He was one of the most confident — downright arrogant, in fact — cats I’ve ever been around. He had an amazing personality and I immediately loved him. He was no more than 8 or 9 months old when he suddenly died for reasons that my vet couldn’t explain. Even though I had him only a short time, he was one of my all-time favorites. #tbt #cats #tabby #feral #birmingham #alabama
I’ve never been as curious about what a cat migh I’ve never been as curious about what a cat might be thinking as I constantly am about Merlin. As I watch him sitting here on the edge of my desk late Wednesday night, I can’t help but conclude he’s a very deep thinker. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Lucy has been happily rolling around in the freshl Lucy has been happily rolling around in the freshly cut grass of the back yard Wednesday evening. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
Thomas believes that he is the Most Interesting Ca Thomas believes that he is the Most Interesting Cat in the World — and I can’t say he’s wrong tonight. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Merlin is ready for me to turn the last of the off Merlin is ready for me to turn the last of the office lights off so he and Thomas can sleep peacefully without me muttering to myself as I write. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Lucy just finished a Neighborhood Watch patrol and Lucy just finished a Neighborhood Watch patrol and now she’s cooling off in the back yard before heading inside for dinner. Her work is never done. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
Except when he’s asleep, Thomas always looks as Except when he’s asleep, Thomas always looks as though he’s on high alert and ready to run away from danger. His feral early years still dominate his internal programming. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Lucy just finished her last walk of the day, but s Lucy just finished her last walk of the day, but she still wants more attention. She’s sitting in front of me looking expectantly. She seems certain that we will go outside for one more adventure if she’s persistent enough. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
My favorite photos of Merlin tend to be those — My favorite photos of Merlin tend to be those — such as this one — in which he seems to be contemplating difficult issues. Feline philosophy or quantum physics or something else that he figures I wouldn’t understand. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #caturday
Follow on Instagram

Contact David

David likes email, but can’t reply to every message. I get a surprisingly large number of requests for relationship advice — seriously — but time doesn’t permit a response to all of them. (Sorry.)

Subscribe

Enter your address to receive notifications by email every time new articles are posted. Then click “Subscribe.”

Donations

If you enjoy this site and want to help, click here. All donations are appreciated, no matter how large or small. (PayPal often doesn’t identify donors, so I might not be able to thank you directly.)




Search

Archives

Secondary Sidebar

Briefly

On a live awards show Sunday night, one man made a joke about a female celebrity. The husband of the celebrity was offended and hit the man who made the joke. Or maybe it was staged for entertainment. Who knows? Who cares? Social media is full of discussion — and even arguments — about this idiocy today. This baffles me. Let’s assume for a moment that the event happened as reported. People have been having such idiotic fights ever since there have been humans. Half the bars in the world see such brief dustups regularly. It simply doesn’t matter. The fact that so many people believe they need to talk about this — or even need to have opinions about it — is more evidence of the bizarre media brainwashing that convinces many to care passionately about brain-dead trivia. Your life will be happier and saner if you focus on yourself, your family and your friends, not on whatever scripted (or spontaneous) bilge that the media wants to pipe into your home.

I’m in the middle of migrating this website to new servers this week. This means you might encounter some unexpected behavior until I get all the bugs worked out. Clicking on my links (including this one) might cause your browser to give you the message that it’s a site without a current security certificate. It’s not actually unsafe, but there’s something which isn’t yet set up for the security certificate. I apologize for any such errors you might encounter while the process is going on. If you notice any problems with content which didn’t migrate properly, I would appreciate you letting me know the details at davidmcelroy@mac.com. Thanks for your patience.

I often wonder what animals think when they look at us and consider the society we’ve created. Yes, I know this is fanciful and unrealistic, but what if they could? Would they be astounded at how we treat each other? Would they be disgusted by the ugliness and pettiness which fill so many of our daily interactions? The truth is that I’m feeling pretty disgusted with humanity tonight. I made the mistake of reading some online interactions that I should have avoided — and it sickened me. The people involved appeared to be vile and stupid and arrogant. I wish I could pretend they’re a tiny minority, but I know better. It’s times such as this when I most need to escape much of “civilization” and disconnect from their world. If humans are going to be worthy of “ruling this planet,” we have a lot of growth to do. And I fear that growth is nowhere in sight. So my buddy Thomas, above, and all of his friends would be right to judge us harshly — and to think, “Why do you folks get to be in charge?”

I should have expected this, but I honestly didn’t. The article I wrote last week about disagreements over treatment for autistic children brought me angry emails. You could almost call it “hate mail.” Of the five emails about it so far, two have been to tell me that I’m wrong to even listen to critics of the most popular therapy for autistic children — and the other three tell me I’m wrong for not condemning the treatment as the “obvious” abuse it is. If you read the article, you know I didn’t take a position on the issue, because I simply don’t know enough to have an opinion. But by talking about the issue, I stepped into a heated controversy. The emails from the two sides convinced me of nothing. But they did give me even more empathy for the unfortunate parents who have to figure out for themselves where the truth lies for their children.

Have you ever had what you thought was a new idea — and then discovered that “old you” had the same idea years ago? I had that experience tonight. And it’s been wonderful. I came up with an idea tonight for a very short satirical film that would be a promotion for a fictitious college. The point is to make the college promote — as good things — everything which is actually terrible about most modern colleges. Then I remembered a fake college that I invented back when I was in college. I had created student recruitment brochures and various newsletters back then, so I decided to call my “new” college by the same name I’d invented years ago: Ochita College. As I searched my computer for any old material I might still have about Ochita from the past, I discovered an email I sent to someone in 2009 — outlining essentially the same idea which I came up with tonight. Since I didn’t remember writing that, it felt like magic. So my next film project just might be this one instead. If all goes well, you might soon see “Ochita College: Your Future Starts Here.” This should be fun.

Read More

Crass Capitalism

Before you buy anything from Amazon, please click on this ad. I’ll get a tiny commission, but it won’t cost you a nickel extra. The cats and I thank you. (If you’re using an ad-blocker and can’t see the ad, you can click here instead.)

© 2011–2022 · All Rights Reserved
Built by: 1955 DESIGN