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David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

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Why do we allow fear to make us hold onto things we should let go?

By David McElroy · November 28, 2017

I don’t know what I expected to find by coming here tonight.

For days now, I’ve been haunted by an unexpected image from the past — a moment, a night, an argument, a year — and I’ve come looking for it. I really don’t know why.

This was the place, but it was a time long ago. I’m on the campus of Samford University in Birmingham. We sat in my old red Volkswagen in this parking lot and talked about our relationship — our past and whether we had a future.

She was my first serious girlfriend. We dated for three years while we were in college, mostly in Tuscaloosa when we were both students at the University of Alabama. The first year and a half were very happy. We got engaged and happily planned a future together, but something happened.

I realized she wasn’t the right woman for me and this made her very confused. I don’t blame her, because I didn’t make much sense. As I pulled away from her, she tried harder and harder to pull me closer.

By the time we sat in my car that night, we were both miserable.

I woke up a few mornings ago with this night on my mind. I don’t know whether I dreamed about it or if something else dredged it up. I just know that I haven’t been able to get it out of my mind for days. Something in this memory points me to something that still matters. But what?

As I sit here in this very same parking lot many years later, I realize what I want to ask my younger self. It’s a question I’ve asked before but I’ve also avoided.

Why didn’t you just let her go?

I knew by that night — and even before that night — that we shouldn’t have a future together. I was very unhappy. She was very unhappy. But every time we neared the point of splitting, I wouldn’t let it happen. I did the same thing that night.

Why?

I had reasons to stay with her. Well, didn’t I? I guess I did, but I can’t remember now what they might have been.

As I sit here, I know the reason, but I haven’t quite wanted to acknowledge it. I was selfishly holding onto her because I was afraid of what the future would be without her. I didn’t want her. I was certain of that by this night. But without knowing what the future held — and without knowing who else might love me — well, what if this was the best it would get for me?

I held onto something that had become terrible because I was terrified about what came next.

What if no one else loved me?

What if I ended up alone if I let her go?

What if this horrible unhappiness for both of us became even more unhappy for me — all alone?

As I look at that night and at similar things I’ve done since then, I realize I’ve let fear prevent me from letting go of things which no longer made me happy. I realize that in doing so, I’ve delayed my own happiness and I’ve also hurt a few others by holding onto them and giving them false hope.

My fear made me hold onto this woman that night long ago when I should have let her go. My fear of the unknown — and of being alone — also caused me to hold onto another woman years later as a “backup plan” when I knew she was wrong for me.

It was selfish. It was foolish. It was motivated by fear. I was wrong.

But as I sit here on a cold November night — it was cold that night, too — I suddenly realize that maybe I know why I’m here. Maybe I know why I keep thinking about this lately.

Maybe I’m finally ready to let this night — and let that way of living and thinking — go completely, because I’m no longer holding onto things which are wrong for me.

Here’s the thing. Maybe I can finally come back here and look at this so clearly because I’ve finally put that way of thinking behind me. I feel a sudden sense of understanding, but I don’t know how to explain it.

I was afraid of letting that woman go because I was afraid she would move on and not really care. I was afraid no one else would love me. I was afraid of so many things. So I held on.

I recently had to let go of something — someone — who I wanted very much. With her, it wasn’t that I didn’t love her anymore. It wasn’t that I had decided she was wrong for me. It was because she wanted to sit on a fence and not make a choice. If I had still been living in that old frame of mind, I would have let the stalemate continue forever.

I was terrified of letting her go, but I did it anyway.

You know that horrible cliche about letting something go and seeing whether it returns? And if it doesn’t return, it was never really yours anyway? Yeah. That one. It’s trite, but there’s a lot of truth in it.

On that night years ago in this parking lot, I couldn’t let go of someone I no longer loved, much less someone I might have actually loved. I was too afraid. I was too immature. I was too selfish.

Maybe I’m here to realize I’m not that terrified young college student anymore. Maybe I’m finally ready to acknowledge that I can live with the fear — the uncertainty, the darkness, the loneliness — of letting go of one thing in order to make way for something more healthy.

I don’t know what my future holds. Maybe the love I released will return to me. Maybe. It seems terribly unlikely. (Of course I still love her, but my love isn’t enough.) Or maybe there’s someone else who will take her place. I just can’t know.

But as I look back to that night long ago, I know I’m not the scared kid I was. I know I’m not going to hold onto something that doesn’t work. I know I’m going to insist on being treated with love and respect — and I know I’m going to give the same to someone else when she deserves it.

I don’t resent my past self. I’m not angry with him for his poor decisions. I’m grateful for all the pain he endured to bring me to this day — when I know the only reason to hold onto a woman is if she’s going to hold onto me in the same way.

So maybe I can finally leave this place behind for good.

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I just remembered that I shot photos Friday evenin I just remembered that I shot photos Friday evening just before sunset. These two shots were only about a minute apart, just with different lenses. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
As far as I know, there were no nuclear devices se As far as I know, there were no nuclear devices set off anywhere near Birmingham this evening, but this cloud formation looked very much like a mushroom cloud rising in the west as I went through downtown Birmingham on I-65 around 6:30 tonight. #nature #naturephotography #sky #clouds #birmingham #alabama
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Just a minute before the sun slipped beneath the h Just a minute before the sun slipped beneath the horizon, the late-evening light was colorful and magical Thursday. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I didn’t have a lens wide enough to capture this I didn’t have a lens wide enough to capture this with my “real” camera, so this is just an iPhone panorama. It was beautiful to see in person. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
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For “throwback Thursday, let me introduce you to For “throwback Thursday, let me introduce you to Sam. In 2009, I took in a young feral cat who I named for the early American revolutionary Samuel Adams. He was one of the most confident — downright arrogant, in fact — cats I’ve ever been around. He had an amazing personality and I immediately loved him. He was no more than 8 or 9 months old when he suddenly died for reasons that my vet couldn’t explain. Even though I had him only a short time, he was one of my all-time favorites. #tbt #cats #tabby #feral #birmingham #alabama
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Thomas believes that he is the Most Interesting Ca Thomas believes that he is the Most Interesting Cat in the World — and I can’t say he’s wrong tonight. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
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Except when he’s asleep, Thomas always looks as Except when he’s asleep, Thomas always looks as though he’s on high alert and ready to run away from danger. His feral early years still dominate his internal programming. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
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My favorite photos of Merlin tend to be those — My favorite photos of Merlin tend to be those — such as this one — in which he seems to be contemplating difficult issues. Feline philosophy or quantum physics or something else that he figures I wouldn’t understand. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #caturday
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On a live awards show Sunday night, one man made a joke about a female celebrity. The husband of the celebrity was offended and hit the man who made the joke. Or maybe it was staged for entertainment. Who knows? Who cares? Social media is full of discussion — and even arguments — about this idiocy today. This baffles me. Let’s assume for a moment that the event happened as reported. People have been having such idiotic fights ever since there have been humans. Half the bars in the world see such brief dustups regularly. It simply doesn’t matter. The fact that so many people believe they need to talk about this — or even need to have opinions about it — is more evidence of the bizarre media brainwashing that convinces many to care passionately about brain-dead trivia. Your life will be happier and saner if you focus on yourself, your family and your friends, not on whatever scripted (or spontaneous) bilge that the media wants to pipe into your home.

I’m in the middle of migrating this website to new servers this week. This means you might encounter some unexpected behavior until I get all the bugs worked out. Clicking on my links (including this one) might cause your browser to give you the message that it’s a site without a current security certificate. It’s not actually unsafe, but there’s something which isn’t yet set up for the security certificate. I apologize for any such errors you might encounter while the process is going on. If you notice any problems with content which didn’t migrate properly, I would appreciate you letting me know the details at davidmcelroy@mac.com. Thanks for your patience.

I often wonder what animals think when they look at us and consider the society we’ve created. Yes, I know this is fanciful and unrealistic, but what if they could? Would they be astounded at how we treat each other? Would they be disgusted by the ugliness and pettiness which fill so many of our daily interactions? The truth is that I’m feeling pretty disgusted with humanity tonight. I made the mistake of reading some online interactions that I should have avoided — and it sickened me. The people involved appeared to be vile and stupid and arrogant. I wish I could pretend they’re a tiny minority, but I know better. It’s times such as this when I most need to escape much of “civilization” and disconnect from their world. If humans are going to be worthy of “ruling this planet,” we have a lot of growth to do. And I fear that growth is nowhere in sight. So my buddy Thomas, above, and all of his friends would be right to judge us harshly — and to think, “Why do you folks get to be in charge?”

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Have you ever had what you thought was a new idea — and then discovered that “old you” had the same idea years ago? I had that experience tonight. And it’s been wonderful. I came up with an idea tonight for a very short satirical film that would be a promotion for a fictitious college. The point is to make the college promote — as good things — everything which is actually terrible about most modern colleges. Then I remembered a fake college that I invented back when I was in college. I had created student recruitment brochures and various newsletters back then, so I decided to call my “new” college by the same name I’d invented years ago: Ochita College. As I searched my computer for any old material I might still have about Ochita from the past, I discovered an email I sent to someone in 2009 — outlining essentially the same idea which I came up with tonight. Since I didn’t remember writing that, it felt like magic. So my next film project just might be this one instead. If all goes well, you might soon see “Ochita College: Your Future Starts Here.” This should be fun.

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