Healthy romance features mutual growth, not just ‘take me as I am’

By David McElroy · March 24, 2018

They didn’t seem like people I would like. I was walking down a long aisle at Walmart behind a couple and a boy who I assume was their son. They were snapping at each other about some disagreement.

He called her a “bitch” several times. She had a choice word she called him, but I won’t even repeat that one. They didn’t seem to care that anyone else was around. The young boy just walked in silence.

Then I noticed the back of the woman’s t-shirt. I had trouble reading the typeface at a distance at first, but then I realized what it said.

“Take me as I am or watch me as I go.”

My first thought was to laughingly think a man would be lucky to watch her leave, but then I thought more seriously that the slogan sounded like an attitude they might both share. And then it occurred to me that this is a common attitude among modern people who don’t want to see their own flaws and their own responsibility to improve themselves.

I think I know where this attitude came from. It’s a backlash against manipulative and controlling people who try to turn a relationship into a “Pygmalion project,” to use psychologist David Keirsey’s phrase. Some people come into a relationship or marriage with the attitude that the other person should be molded like clay to become whatever the manipulator wants the person to be.

Such relationships are one-sided. One person decides what’s right and what the other person is supposed to be. One person is in control and the other person is the flawed one who has to change. This is very common — and I’ve seen both men and women be the manipulators. (In many cases, manipulating is combined with rescuing.)

This idea of “take me as I am” seems to be a backlash against that sort of manipulation, but it’s a very shallow reaction — and it’s one guaranteed to create something equally bad, similar to what I saw this afternoon.

When people are allowed to feel that it’s reasonable for them to be whatever they already happen to be, this grants a license to each person to continue being the worst of whatever they are. This isn’t really any better than the different sort of dysfunction in which one person is controlling the other.

The “take me as I am” attitude is selfish. It sees a relationship as a place where two people are fighting for control and self-identity. It misses the whole point of a healthy relationship.

In a healthy relationship, there is agreement on goals and shared values. The relationship itself is a union with its own goals and needs — and the individuals agree to certain things for the benefit of both themselves and the union.

One of those agreements people share in a healthy relationship is a dedication to mutual self-improvement.

This requires honesty and vulnerability and trust. It requires two people to be honest with themselves and each other about their own flaws and shortcomings. It requires trusting that the other person isn’t going to use your honesty about your flaws as a weapon. And it requires trusting that the other person will be just as committed to mutual self-improvement as you are.

I know my flaws and I’m willing to be open with my partner about them. I want her help in making myself a better person. In return, I expect the same commitment to self-knowledge and self-improvement. And I will be there with her helping her do the things she needs to do to be a better person.

This kind of a relationship creates stronger marriages and it makes individuals happier. Just as important, though, it teaches children what a family — and what a marriage — should be. Remember that your child is going to grow up and emulate your relationship decisions. He or she is likely to end up with something very similar to what you have. It’s very difficult to break such generational programming.

If you come from a dysfunctional family where the marriage didn’t work in this healthy way, you’re probably going to be drawn to making unhealthy choices and sticking with dysfunctional relationships. But if you want the programming to change — for yourself and for your children — you’re the one who has to make the difficult choices to change things.

Insist on a relationship (and marriage) based on mutual growth. Not a single one of us is perfect. Insisting on our right to remain the people we are merely guarantees that things will get worse over time. A relationship based on love and understanding and trust can lead to growth — for the relationship itself and for each individual.

The way I am right now is all I have to offer to a woman, but I can assure her that I want her help in becoming a better man. I want her to be just as committed to becoming a better woman.

Two people with that commitment can have a healthy marriage that’s very different from that of the selfish man and woman throwing profanity at each other in the store today.

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Meet my new girlfriend. Her name is Meg. And she’s my little sweetheart. A couple of months ago, a neighbor across the street told me about a new stray in the neighborhood that she and I were both soon feeding. The cat had been very skittish about contact and she had a lot of scabs and parasites in her fur, but a trip to the vet last week revealed that she was otherwise in good health. The vet estimates her to be 1 to 2 years old. I named her for Meg Murry, the 13-year-old protagonist of Madeleine L’Engle’s wonderful book, “A Wrinkle in Time.” (Please read the book. Don’t watch the horrible movie.) Since we lost Lucy almost a year ago, it seems appropriate that we finally have a new little girl to join the household. She’s already captured my heart, but Alex, Oliver and Sam aren’t there quite yet.

There’s nothing socially acceptable that’s as dangerous as drinking alcohol. Most people grow up being told to “drink responsibly” — and all of us see people abusing this drug in one way or another — but the truth is that drinking alcohol is always a terrible risk. The alcohol in these drinks is toxic and the human liver has to work hard to filter the toxins out. What most people don’t realize is that alcohol is classified as a known carcinogen by the World Health Organization — because of the well-established connection between imbibing and various cancers. Many people have taken refuge behind the idea that light or moderate drinking might be safe, but a new study shows that drinking even one drink a day increases the risks of 10 types of cancer. When I was a teen-ager, I looked around and saw the negative effects that this behavior had on a lot of people and decided not to start drinking, so I’ve never even tried this poison. The evidence keeps piling up that I was lucky to have come to that conclusion early.

It hasn’t happened yet, but there’s a possibility that I might be taking in a fourth feline. A couple of months ago, a cat-loving neighbor asked whether I’d seen a “tuxedo cat” hanging out in the neighborhood. I hadn’t, but this guy eventually wandered past my house a few weeks later — and we haven’t been able to find evidence that he has a home. I’ve been giving him water and food for the last week and he finally let me pet him two nights ago. He’s purred for me two nights in a row and he let me take a low-quality selfie with him Thursday night. Tonight, though, he let me pick him up and bring him inside to look around. This went surprisingly well, as you can see from this photo. I don’t know whether he’ll be joining the family, but I’m certain that Alex, Oliver and Sam would vote no, at least until they get to know him. I’m trying to make certain he doesn’t have a home, but if he does join us, what do you suppose his name will be?

It turns out that the radical far left has been training “Antifa cats” to sabotage anything important to Donald Trump. Everything he did was perfect. Honest. It was all the cats’ fault. Arrest all the cats! This is the latest of my ridiculous satirical shorts. Please go watch it. Then “like” it and subscribe. Please. I’m begging you. (Too much?) Although a couple of the previous videos have had views in the hundreds, most have still been seen by fewer than 20 people. So I seem to be having trouble letting people know that page exists.

Here’s the latest of my ridiculous parody shorts. It crossed my mind Tuesday to wonder what a slick and fast-talking car dealer might do right now to try to turn the high price of gasoline to his advantage. So I conceived of a fat and lovable character who tried to sell cars that don’t use any fuel — and then I started wondering if it would be funnier if all the characters were felines. Designing the King Cashpaw character took about four hours, but the rest took only another four hours, so this was a relatively quick piece that virtually wrote itself. I know it’s almost impossible for these parody videos to find a larger audience, but at least they amuse me — and there are 19 of them on my YouTube page now. The first few were very limited, but they’re getting more complex.

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