• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to secondary sidebar
  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Twitter
  • YouTube

David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

  • About
  • Podcasts

Was I ‘fat’? ‘Lazy’? My father’s ugly words made me feel shame

By David McElroy · April 1, 2018

I still remember the first time my father called me “fat.”

I was 9 years old. He and I were standing in the driveway of our home in Meridian, Miss. In just a couple of months, we would move yet again — to Anniston, Ala., this time.

He poked his finger into my little chest as we stood there. I don’t remember his exact words, but I remember being very confused at his anger. Nobody had ever said a word about my weight before. I seemed to be about the same proportions as all my friends, although I was slightly taller and was built bigger than they were. But my father angrily told me I had to start running — so I wouldn’t be fat.

I felt very ashamed of myself.

Not only did this mean I must look terribly ugly to everybody, but I had obviously disappointed my father. More than anything else, I wanted his approval — and I couldn’t ever seem to do enough. Or be enough.

As soon as we moved to Anniston — actually a rural hamlet outside of town called Choccolocco — I had to start running. Our new house was far off the main road and the last quarter mile or so was unpaved. I was assigned to run up and down that dirt road — and keep doing it until he said I could stop.

Even though I was terrified of being caught slacking, I simply couldn’t keep going as long as he demanded. After awhile, I would get out of his sight and then stop to catch my breath, waiting long enough that I should have been able to make it to the other end and come back.

This sort of thing happened off and on. It seemed to depend on his mood. If he happened to be in a bad mood, he would start lecturing me about being fat and tell me to go start running. I never knew what to expect.

After we moved into town, the running stopped. I don’t remember him talking about my weight much after that — but I never lost the fear that I was fat, even though I can look at pictures of myself from middle school and high school and realize my size was perfectly normal.

As an adult, I finally figured out what caused my father’s behavior. My mother had started gaining weight — and I think he was afraid his children would gain weight as she did. It was very important to him to look good. He was obsessed with looking good in public — with us looking perfect for other people — and I think his fear of his son not looking like him pushed him to plant this seed of shame in me.

He used many other words that had negative effects — and maybe I’ll talk about others in time — but the two that seem to have stuck with me the most were “fat” and “lazy.”

If I slept late on a Saturday, for instance, he might come storming into my room and start yelling about how lazy I was not to be up and working. Especially if I had something to get done that day which he had told me to do — cut the grass, for instance — he would call me lazy if I didn’t get up early and do his work first.

He liked going to bed early and getting up early. I’ve always been a night owl and do my best work at night. But he insisted that I should be like him in every way. Whatever choices I might make — based on my own personality and preferences — were wrong if they weren’t like what he would do.

He would deny this today — and he’s never been willing to talk about it when I’ve brought it up — but he wanted his son to be a clone of him. I’m nothing like him — and he constantly used his angry words to try to bully me into being like him. (His calling me fat back then also created a struggle with this self-fulfilling prophecy that I’ve struggled with for years.)

All it did was make me feel I could never be good enough for him. Even when I did something that others were honoring me for — at school or church, for instance — he would tell me I could have done even better if I had done things his way. Even in my moments of child and teen glory, he made me feel like a failure.

I’m thinking about all this today because of a message that a friend sent me last night. She was telling me about the circumstances of her own childhood — and her feelings when her abuser was dying — and I haven’t been able to get her story out of my mind.

“I was told I was worthless, an idiot, a waste of space, a mistake,” she wrote. And she told me she still has some scars on her skin from places where he put out his cigarettes on her body.

What I experienced wasn’t as physically abusive as what she went through, but we each have emotional scars. And despite our best efforts to reason with our adult selves and let ourselves know those words can’t hurt us now, the words are still running on some endless-loop tape from the past — taunting us when we least expect it.

The things we tell our children stick with them longer than we think. Many of them remain lodged in their brains — like little pieces of programming — for the rest of their lives.

Let your children be who they are. Don’t try to force them to be clones of you. And remember that the words you’re using with them — and the words you’re allowing other people to use with them — are going to be with them for many years. Maybe for life.

Raising emotionally healthy children is the most important job we have. Your children deserve your love and respect — and they deserve your protection from those whose angry words might leave them wounded for life.

Share on Social Networks

Related Posts

  • If you start at love, it’s far easier to get to hate than to indifference
  • If Ron Paul was ‘our last hope,’ what’s your backup plan now?If Ron Paul was ‘our last hope,’ what’s your backup plan now?
  • Attaining excellence may require some time in painful mediocrity

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Primary Sidebar

My Instagram

As far as I know, there were no nuclear devices se As far as I know, there were no nuclear devices set off anywhere near Birmingham this evening, but this cloud formation looked very much like a mushroom cloud rising in the west as I went through downtown Birmingham on I-65 around 6:30 tonight. #nature #naturephotography #sky #clouds #birmingham #alabama
For many years, I’ve believed that I could deliv For many years, I’ve believed that I could deliver some message worth sharing through audio or video if I just had the right platform. It’s always been an intuitive feeling, not a specific plan. And now that I have the technology in place to do a wide variety of media, that nasty old inner critic rears its head, asking whether I really have anything worthwhile to say. And as I sit here practicing, I still have no idea who’s right — my long-term intuition or my harsh inner critic.
Just after sunset Friday evening, there was quite Just after sunset Friday evening, there was quite a pastel light show in the sky to the west of me. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
This is the Thursday evening sunset that I just wa This is the Thursday evening sunset that I just watched behind a restaurant in Moody. It’s been raining all evening, but it cleared just enough for some colorful light to poke through the clouds. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I just realized that I had some other photos from I just realized that I had some other photos from Wednesday night’s sunset which I could have posted. I ended up posting an iPhone panorama, but this is what a section of that looked like with the Sony A7 IV instead. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
Just a minute before the sun slipped beneath the h Just a minute before the sun slipped beneath the horizon, the late-evening light was colorful and magical Thursday. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I didn’t have a lens wide enough to capture this I didn’t have a lens wide enough to capture this with my “real” camera, so this is just an iPhone panorama. It was beautiful to see in person. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I just heard that tonight’s moon is something ca I just heard that tonight’s moon is something called a “supermoon,” so I photographed it to see if I could see anything unusual, but it looked pretty much the same to me. What exactly is different about this one? Does anyone know? #nature #naturephotography #sky #moon #birmingham #alabama
Today was a day when human beings seemed even more Today was a day when human beings seemed even more inexplicable than usual. On days such as this one, I appreciate the beauty and majesty of nature even more than usual. Beauty always makes sense, whether I can put that into words or not. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
Follow on Instagram

Critter Instagram

For “throwback Thursday, let me introduce you to For “throwback Thursday, let me introduce you to Sam. In 2009, I took in a young feral cat who I named for the early American revolutionary Samuel Adams. He was one of the most confident — downright arrogant, in fact — cats I’ve ever been around. He had an amazing personality and I immediately loved him. He was no more than 8 or 9 months old when he suddenly died for reasons that my vet couldn’t explain. Even though I had him only a short time, he was one of my all-time favorites. #tbt #cats #tabby #feral #birmingham #alabama
I’ve never been as curious about what a cat migh I’ve never been as curious about what a cat might be thinking as I constantly am about Merlin. As I watch him sitting here on the edge of my desk late Wednesday night, I can’t help but conclude he’s a very deep thinker. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Lucy has been happily rolling around in the freshl Lucy has been happily rolling around in the freshly cut grass of the back yard Wednesday evening. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
Thomas believes that he is the Most Interesting Ca Thomas believes that he is the Most Interesting Cat in the World — and I can’t say he’s wrong tonight. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Merlin is ready for me to turn the last of the off Merlin is ready for me to turn the last of the office lights off so he and Thomas can sleep peacefully without me muttering to myself as I write. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Lucy just finished a Neighborhood Watch patrol and Lucy just finished a Neighborhood Watch patrol and now she’s cooling off in the back yard before heading inside for dinner. Her work is never done. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
Except when he’s asleep, Thomas always looks as Except when he’s asleep, Thomas always looks as though he’s on high alert and ready to run away from danger. His feral early years still dominate his internal programming. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Lucy just finished her last walk of the day, but s Lucy just finished her last walk of the day, but she still wants more attention. She’s sitting in front of me looking expectantly. She seems certain that we will go outside for one more adventure if she’s persistent enough. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
My favorite photos of Merlin tend to be those — My favorite photos of Merlin tend to be those — such as this one — in which he seems to be contemplating difficult issues. Feline philosophy or quantum physics or something else that he figures I wouldn’t understand. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #caturday
Follow on Instagram

Contact David

David likes email, but can’t reply to every message. I get a surprisingly large number of requests for relationship advice — seriously — but time doesn’t permit a response to all of them. (Sorry.)

Subscribe

Enter your address to receive notifications by email every time new articles are posted. Then click “Subscribe.”

Donations

If you enjoy this site and want to help, click here. All donations are appreciated, no matter how large or small. (PayPal often doesn’t identify donors, so I might not be able to thank you directly.)




Search

Archives

Secondary Sidebar

Briefly

On a live awards show Sunday night, one man made a joke about a female celebrity. The husband of the celebrity was offended and hit the man who made the joke. Or maybe it was staged for entertainment. Who knows? Who cares? Social media is full of discussion — and even arguments — about this idiocy today. This baffles me. Let’s assume for a moment that the event happened as reported. People have been having such idiotic fights ever since there have been humans. Half the bars in the world see such brief dustups regularly. It simply doesn’t matter. The fact that so many people believe they need to talk about this — or even need to have opinions about it — is more evidence of the bizarre media brainwashing that convinces many to care passionately about brain-dead trivia. Your life will be happier and saner if you focus on yourself, your family and your friends, not on whatever scripted (or spontaneous) bilge that the media wants to pipe into your home.

I’m in the middle of migrating this website to new servers this week. This means you might encounter some unexpected behavior until I get all the bugs worked out. Clicking on my links (including this one) might cause your browser to give you the message that it’s a site without a current security certificate. It’s not actually unsafe, but there’s something which isn’t yet set up for the security certificate. I apologize for any such errors you might encounter while the process is going on. If you notice any problems with content which didn’t migrate properly, I would appreciate you letting me know the details at davidmcelroy@mac.com. Thanks for your patience.

I often wonder what animals think when they look at us and consider the society we’ve created. Yes, I know this is fanciful and unrealistic, but what if they could? Would they be astounded at how we treat each other? Would they be disgusted by the ugliness and pettiness which fill so many of our daily interactions? The truth is that I’m feeling pretty disgusted with humanity tonight. I made the mistake of reading some online interactions that I should have avoided — and it sickened me. The people involved appeared to be vile and stupid and arrogant. I wish I could pretend they’re a tiny minority, but I know better. It’s times such as this when I most need to escape much of “civilization” and disconnect from their world. If humans are going to be worthy of “ruling this planet,” we have a lot of growth to do. And I fear that growth is nowhere in sight. So my buddy Thomas, above, and all of his friends would be right to judge us harshly — and to think, “Why do you folks get to be in charge?”

I should have expected this, but I honestly didn’t. The article I wrote last week about disagreements over treatment for autistic children brought me angry emails. You could almost call it “hate mail.” Of the five emails about it so far, two have been to tell me that I’m wrong to even listen to critics of the most popular therapy for autistic children — and the other three tell me I’m wrong for not condemning the treatment as the “obvious” abuse it is. If you read the article, you know I didn’t take a position on the issue, because I simply don’t know enough to have an opinion. But by talking about the issue, I stepped into a heated controversy. The emails from the two sides convinced me of nothing. But they did give me even more empathy for the unfortunate parents who have to figure out for themselves where the truth lies for their children.

Have you ever had what you thought was a new idea — and then discovered that “old you” had the same idea years ago? I had that experience tonight. And it’s been wonderful. I came up with an idea tonight for a very short satirical film that would be a promotion for a fictitious college. The point is to make the college promote — as good things — everything which is actually terrible about most modern colleges. Then I remembered a fake college that I invented back when I was in college. I had created student recruitment brochures and various newsletters back then, so I decided to call my “new” college by the same name I’d invented years ago: Ochita College. As I searched my computer for any old material I might still have about Ochita from the past, I discovered an email I sent to someone in 2009 — outlining essentially the same idea which I came up with tonight. Since I didn’t remember writing that, it felt like magic. So my next film project just might be this one instead. If all goes well, you might soon see “Ochita College: Your Future Starts Here.” This should be fun.

Read More

Crass Capitalism

Before you buy anything from Amazon, please click on this ad. I’ll get a tiny commission, but it won’t cost you a nickel extra. The cats and I thank you. (If you’re using an ad-blocker and can’t see the ad, you can click here instead.)

© 2011–2022 · All Rights Reserved
Built by: 1955 DESIGN