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David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

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Biases teach us what to expect, but we often turn out to be wrong

By David McElroy · June 9, 2018

Do you ever judge people by their outward appearance? Of course you do. You’re human. That’s the way we’re wired. Despite our best efforts, we do it every day.

Black writer and actor Quancy Clayborne told a story on Twitter about an experience he had Friday at a coffee shop near his house in Seattle that illustrates how this works.

“I’m in line behind a guy who looked like a skinhead this morning,” Clayborne wrote. “He turned around and looked at me, so I’m thinking, ‘This isn’t going to end well.’ Then he says, ‘Hey brother, I will never understand what it’s like to be you, but I appreciate who you are.’ Then he shakes my hand.”

Clayborne was honest enough to admit that he assumed this skinhead type would be a racist and might even cause trouble for a black man. But there’s a lesson here for all of us. People aren’t always what we assume they are.

There’s a reason that stereotypes exist. Throughout history, the most cautious humans survived to pass their genes along. The most cautious and paranoid people learned to look for patterns in what others looked like and how they acted — even what tribes they were from — to make quick judgments about whether to trust them or not.

That sort of prejudice is hardwired into us by now, both genetically and in our cultures. But we live in a safer and more rational age. The person you meet on the street isn’t as likely to kill you on sight because you’re from the wrong tribe, but that long human history teaches us to judge by appearances.

When I see a well-groomed man dressed in a business suit, something in me assumes he’s unlikely to pull out a gun or knife to kill me. If his clothing, speech and attitudes remind me of what my biases tell me is a “thug,” I’m on guard and want to escape before something bad can happen to me.

I know those are prejudices, but they feel true. There’s even some truth to them. Someone who’s planning to rob me probably isn’t wearing a suit — unless he’s a politician, but then he just calls the robbery “taxes.” That’s another matter entirely.

When Quancy Clayborne saw the skinhead Friday morning, his mind made assumptions based on his experiences and his prejudices. He wasn’t necessarily wrong. There’s a very good chance that most of the skinheads he might encounter would be racists.

But this one individual wasn’t a racist. He was kind and loving.

I can’t personally evaluate every single person who I see in public. I can’t know what that person is like and whether he has love or hatred in his heart. There are times when I’m going to perceive danger and I’m going to get out of a situation as quickly as possible, because that’s the prudent thing.

But we can teach our inner bigot that he’s not always right. We can consciously decide to treat people as individuals. We can consciously decide to try not to assume our built-in prejudices are right. And we can consciously look for ways of connecting with people who aren’t like us — so we can learn more about who they really are as individuals and so they can learn who we are.

I’m happy that the skinhead in Seattle didn’t fit the stereotype which Clayborne had unconsciously — and reasonably — feared. I’m also glad that Clayborne had the wisdom and insight to realize what the incident says about all of us.

We’re never going to be perfect at judging each other as individuals, but we owe it to the future of the human race to try. We have to do a better job of loving each other if we’re ever going to live together in peace.

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Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: culture, love, race, racism, society

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On a live awards show Sunday night, one man made a joke about a female celebrity. The husband of the celebrity was offended and hit the man who made the joke. Or maybe it was staged for entertainment. Who knows? Who cares? Social media is full of discussion — and even arguments — about this idiocy today. This baffles me. Let’s assume for a moment that the event happened as reported. People have been having such idiotic fights ever since there have been humans. Half the bars in the world see such brief dustups regularly. It simply doesn’t matter. The fact that so many people believe they need to talk about this — or even need to have opinions about it — is more evidence of the bizarre media brainwashing that convinces many to care passionately about brain-dead trivia. Your life will be happier and saner if you focus on yourself, your family and your friends, not on whatever scripted (or spontaneous) bilge that the media wants to pipe into your home.

I’m in the middle of migrating this website to new servers this week. This means you might encounter some unexpected behavior until I get all the bugs worked out. Clicking on my links (including this one) might cause your browser to give you the message that it’s a site without a current security certificate. It’s not actually unsafe, but there’s something which isn’t yet set up for the security certificate. I apologize for any such errors you might encounter while the process is going on. If you notice any problems with content which didn’t migrate properly, I would appreciate you letting me know the details at davidmcelroy@mac.com. Thanks for your patience.

I often wonder what animals think when they look at us and consider the society we’ve created. Yes, I know this is fanciful and unrealistic, but what if they could? Would they be astounded at how we treat each other? Would they be disgusted by the ugliness and pettiness which fill so many of our daily interactions? The truth is that I’m feeling pretty disgusted with humanity tonight. I made the mistake of reading some online interactions that I should have avoided — and it sickened me. The people involved appeared to be vile and stupid and arrogant. I wish I could pretend they’re a tiny minority, but I know better. It’s times such as this when I most need to escape much of “civilization” and disconnect from their world. If humans are going to be worthy of “ruling this planet,” we have a lot of growth to do. And I fear that growth is nowhere in sight. So my buddy Thomas, above, and all of his friends would be right to judge us harshly — and to think, “Why do you folks get to be in charge?”

I should have expected this, but I honestly didn’t. The article I wrote last week about disagreements over treatment for autistic children brought me angry emails. You could almost call it “hate mail.” Of the five emails about it so far, two have been to tell me that I’m wrong to even listen to critics of the most popular therapy for autistic children — and the other three tell me I’m wrong for not condemning the treatment as the “obvious” abuse it is. If you read the article, you know I didn’t take a position on the issue, because I simply don’t know enough to have an opinion. But by talking about the issue, I stepped into a heated controversy. The emails from the two sides convinced me of nothing. But they did give me even more empathy for the unfortunate parents who have to figure out for themselves where the truth lies for their children.

Have you ever had what you thought was a new idea — and then discovered that “old you” had the same idea years ago? I had that experience tonight. And it’s been wonderful. I came up with an idea tonight for a very short satirical film that would be a promotion for a fictitious college. The point is to make the college promote — as good things — everything which is actually terrible about most modern colleges. Then I remembered a fake college that I invented back when I was in college. I had created student recruitment brochures and various newsletters back then, so I decided to call my “new” college by the same name I’d invented years ago: Ochita College. As I searched my computer for any old material I might still have about Ochita from the past, I discovered an email I sent to someone in 2009 — outlining essentially the same idea which I came up with tonight. Since I didn’t remember writing that, it felt like magic. So my next film project just might be this one instead. If all goes well, you might soon see “Ochita College: Your Future Starts Here.” This should be fun.

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