Nobody can ever be good enough when perfection is the standard

I don’t know why the image came to my mind while I slept. I hadn’t seen the photo for years, but I immediately knew what it was.

We were somewhere in the Caribbean on a cruise. At sunset one evening, we were on an upper deck enjoying the colors and the wind and the waves. Someone offered to take a photo of us and snapped this impromptu image. And for some reason, my mind brought this old photo to my consciousness while I slept.

As I awakened — with this image burned brightly into my mind — I heard some words very clearly. In my sleepy state, I made a quick note on my iPhone:

“Nobody’s ever good enough if perfection is the standard.”

I knew what it meant. I also knew I would think about it a lot more later. But I felt a sense of peace about it as I went back to sleep. Something in my unconscious was trying — once again — to teach me a lesson. It wasn’t really about her, though. It was about me.

It was about my terror of not being perfect — and about how my fears have affected women who’ve tried to love me.

Gina was smart and beautiful. She was immensely talented — as a singer and actress — and she had a powerful personality that could light up a room.  She was a very impressive woman. And she loved me very much. More than I deserved.

But I found reasons not to want her. The story is complicated — with a lot of twists and turns — but I never would really commit to her. And as I woke up last night with this image on my mind, I finally understood why. What’s more, I understood why I had seen this pattern multiple times with women who have loved me and wanted to build a future with me.

I found something wrong with each one of these women. I’m not saying I made things up which weren’t true. Each time it happened, I found the worst of each woman — and I used that accurate imperfection as an excuse about why I couldn’t commit to the woman who was trying to love me.

Each time I’ve done this, I’ve had moments when I realized the folly of what I’d done, but those moments never happened until it was too late for me to change things. I’ve sabotaged my relationships — for the most trivial of reasons at times — and I’ve hurt women who didn’t deserve to have their love rewarded with rejection.

For years, I’ve gone over and over the facts of my various relationships and tried to find a narrative which explained my feelings and my actions. I’ve understood bits and pieces of it, but I’m not entirely sure I was seeing the full truth — until last night when heard these words in my head:

“Nobody’s ever good enough if perfection is the standard.”

It all makes sense. I had to reject these women for their imperfections. Why? Because if I accepted the love of an imperfect woman, I would have to consciously accept how imperfect I am. And accepting myself as an imperfect man is intolerable to a deep part of me which is still terrified of being punished.

Does that mean all these women have been great matches for me when I’ve pushed them away? Not necessarily. Some of them would have been good matches. Others wouldn’t have been. It’s a mixed bag. But the truth is that I couldn’t allow myself to make an emotionally healthy decision about each one on her merits — because I was unconsciously hung up on facing my own imperfections.

I’ve known bits and pieces of this story, but it somehow made sense in a more powerful way last night. When I saw that old snapshot of Gina and me, I realized that I wasn’t fair to her — which I figured out long ago — but I also realized that I wasn’t fair to myself.

On a conscious level, I’ve always accepted that I’m not perfect. I know that nobody can be perfect. But my old programming — driven by a narcissistic father who never intended to damage me — leaves me struggling with those old fears of being punished for making mistakes.

My realization last night certainly wasn’t about any desire to reconnect with Gina. It’s more about understanding why I made the mistakes I made — with her and with others — and it’s about continuing to grow and change in ways that can allow me to make healthier decisions next time.

I’m never going to be perfect. Whoever is “the right partner” for me won’t be perfect, either. But I can’t accept her as imperfect without fully embracing my own imperfection.

I can’t do anything about the mistakes I’ve made, but I hope I’m constantly becoming a little wiser and a little smarter about how to make better decisions next time.

Life is complicated — and we all appear to be our own worst enemies at times.