Genuine love is always extreme — and it rarely makes any sense

By David McElroy · May 28, 2022

Most of us are better at talking about love than we are at actually loving. In this respect, I am chief among sinners.

Loving other people is a struggle. If it were easy, the world would be a very different place. But it’s not easy. And it’s even more difficult because our culture seems so eager to narrow the meaning of the word. A lot of people want it to apply to nothing more substantive than the shallow Hollywood version of love, which is little more than lust with some shiny new clothes.

Real love is much deeper than that, but I struggle to find words for it. I saw glimpses of the idea in many of the words attributed to Jesus in the Gospels, but I didn’t take them seriously when I was young — because I didn’t see the Christians around me living out what the words meant.

For years, I unconsciously internalized the notion that God’s love — and especially this notion of us loving our enemies — was hokum that we talked about in Sunday school, but ignored for the rest of the week. Talking about love seemed like an empty ritual for “good people” — but it meant nothing to me in “real life.”

But something eventually changed me. You can call it love. You can call it God. Or Spirit. Or even “the Universe,” if you prefer. You can use whatever word you’re comfortable with. But this powerful spiritual love changed me.

And that change left me a stranger in this world. It left me with one foot in the earthly world of hatred and misery and one foot in a spiritual world where we were all united in profound and genuine love.

I still live on this Earth. I still live among humans, almost all of whom believe that the sort of love I’m talking about is for suckers. Even most of those who call themselves Christians live as I once lived — giving lip service to the notion of loving others, but feeling free to hate others pretty openly.

You see, I want to hate others. I really do. I can find a thousand different reasons to hate them.

Some of them hurt me. Others seem incredibly stupid and get in my way. Still others are willing to use force (and threat of force) to control me. My list of reasons for wanting to hate others is very long.

Every now and then, I openly voice the notion that it’s better for us to love our enemies. For the most part, such “ridiculous” words are ignored at best or ridiculed as naive at worst. I understand, because I once felt the same way. I would have once rolled my eyes if a 21st century American had seriously suggested that we were better off if we had love for the “idiots” who opposed us (and “our side”) on social media, for instance.

On Facebook Thursday evening, I actually made such a suggestion. I suggested that it was better for our own emotional and spiritual health if we could be civil and loving toward the people who became our online enemies.

One of my friends responded that she thought it was “extreme” to suggest that we love them. She thought it was good enough to simply accept that they have the right to different opinions or beliefs.

I completely understand what this woman was saying. It’s completely reasonable. It’s more emotionally palatable when I’m angry with certain people. But for me, it’s simply wrong.

I know that I need to love other people. All of them. Including the ones who make me angriest. The ones who ridicule me most. Those who attack me and cause me to want to strike out in return. I believe with all my heart that I need to love these people — for my own good, at the very least.

On Friday, I experienced an attack of trolls who disagreed with something I posted Thursday. There was a coordinated attack involving at least 50 people who showed up to choose the “laugh” reaction to my post — and then to add comments calling me names and making it clear that they didn’t understand what I’d said.

And I hated them. I really did.

Their attacks hurt me. They frustrated me, because they misunderstood me and didn’t care to understand me. They were eager to misunderstand what I’d written so they could advance a political agenda. They seemed to hate me, simply because I disagreed with them.

There was a time when I would have lashed out at them. I would have tried to be rational with some. I would have been insulting and angry with others. It would have degenerated into nothing but anger and hatred.

I’d like to say that it was easy for me to “turn the other cheek” and love them anyway. But that would be a lie.

I live with one foot in love and another in a fallen world of anger and hatred. This is a burden for everyone who has found the spiritual love I’m talking about. Even though we want to live in complete love, we can’t. And we struggle to reconcile two worlds which couldn’t possibly be more different.

I struggle between my competing desires — to hate those who hurt me and to love those who are like me in their spirits. It would be easier to hate. I really want to hate them at times. But my heart knows that there’s a deeper love that connects me to them anyway — and so I calm my heart and try to find the part of myself that knows how to love my enemies.

I don’t want to be around such people. I have to block the sort of people online who trigger this reaction in me. If I were a stronger person, I might be loving enough to face their insults and hatred while presenting them with peace and love. But I’m not. So I stay away from them — and I try to find peace in my own heart through loving them.

My friend was right when she said my suggestion to love such people is extreme. I can’t argue with that. But my experience is that real love is always extreme. Real love almost never makes sense. It’s easy to love those who love you and praise you. We all love being adored.

But it takes something far different to love enemies — to love those who hurt us.

I will continue to struggle with this. Because I’m human, I will continue to want to hate the people who hurt me. But because I have been changed by a kind of love which I didn’t seek or deserve, I will continue to try to love as well, because I have seen a small sample of what that love means.

Real love is very difficult. Loving enemies is extreme. But once you have experienced the sort of love that is still transforming me, you understand that giving in to hatred is no longer acceptable.

I want to hate. At times, I feel the need to hate. I really do. But something has gotten hold of me which won’t allow me to remain mired in hatred. And this leaves me fighting a difficult battle — with one foot in each of two very different worlds.

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