It’s a very old cliche, but it’s true: Denial isn’t just a river in Egypt

By David McElroy · December 3, 2011

No matter what evidence you show some people about where things are headed in this country, they’ll tell you that everything’s going to be OK and then change the subject. In other words, they’re in denial.

I’ve really been thinking about this a lot lately, because I seem to be seeing lots of examples of people with their heads in the sand to avoid painful realities. I used to be confused about why people did it. It seems insane to deny a painful reality that’s obvious to others, so why do people do it?

I’ve come to a simple conclusion. People stick their heads in the sand and ignore painful truths because they don’t know what to do about the issues. If they admitted to themselves just how bad things were, they would have to seek solutions. But since they don’t see any potential solutions, it’s easier to pretend that reality isn’t what it really is.

Whether it’s about political reality or financial reality or the reality of your personal life, it’s easy to slip into this way of living. It’s not about intelligence or honesty or anything else. I think it’s purely a question of whether someone sees any possibility of change. If change seems possible, it’s psychologically safe to accept reality and deal with it. If change doesn’t seem possible — for whatever reason — into the sand the head goes.

I started thinking about this seriously Thursday night when a friend was telling me about the people in his life — including his mother — who are in denial about political and economic reality in this country. As I thought it about it all day Friday, though, it occurred to me that I know plenty of people in denial about a range of things. I’m sure it even applies to me at times.

If you pretend that very real problems aren’t real, you can keep living your current comfortable life and not worry about where it’s leading. You can pretend your country is stable. You can pretend that prosperity is just around the corner. You can even pretend that you’re happy with your own life (when problems are of a personal nature). I think it’s a result of cognitive dissonance. If you believe that change isn’t possible — or that the change that might fix something is too painful to contemplate — it creates cognitive dissonance from trying to hold two incompatible ideas in your head. So the brain lies to itself and finds ways to ignore reality. It’s a coping mechanism that allows us to survive without going crazy and staying suicidally depressed all the time. But it’s a coping mechanism that can’t last forever.

If you’re under the delusion that you’re not going to be affected when the U.S. economy collapses, you’re in denial. If you’re under the delusion that you’re happy with a life you’ve built for yourself that can’t ever bring you fulfillment, you’re in denial. If you’re under the delusion that you and your family are going to be spared when things start falling apart around you, you’re in denial.

We need to pull our heads out of the sand and force ourselves to face serious questions. If the idea of the collapse of the U.S. economy frightens you, you have to get serious about searching for ways that you can prepare yourself — whether your conclusion is to stay here or go somewhere else. Whatever it is that you’re in denial about — whether it’s political, economic or personal — it’s time to quit living on autopilot and face harsh realities — and make hard choices.

You still have time to confront reality and make a conscious choice about how to change your life — about how to untangle the contradictions that scare you. There will come a time when the choice is no longer yours. I strongly encourage you to take a chance while you still can.

I’m going to start talking more about this in the coming weeks. I’d like to focus less on the ugly realities and more on potential solutions. I hope you’re ready to step in that direction with me.

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After I wrote last night about being happy, I thought of an old song that mirrored what I was feeling. After listening to the entire album, I found it remarkable how well the emotions of that music match my own heart at this point in my life. Bob Bennett’s “Matters of the Heart” came out while I was in college. Even after all these years, it holds up really well, and you can listen to the entire album on YouTube. The specific song which matched my feelings last night was “Madness Dancing,” but I still find every song on the album to be strong with the exception of the eighth and ninth. (The song about his parents, called “1951,” is especially poignant.) In fact, the opening and closing songs paint a picture of my heart at its best now in these lines: “A light shining in this heart of darkness, A new beginning and a miracle, Day by day the integration of the concrete and the spiritual.” It’s old music that you’ve probably never heard, but it means a lot to me.

Narcissists tend to turn their children into narcissists — and since a narcissist doesn’t realize he or she is a narcissist, there’s no bad intent. How does this happen? I watched a YouTube video over the weekend from an Australian psychologist who does a nice job of summarizing how it works. None of this is new to me, but I thought it was useful for those who haven’t spent years digging through books and articles about it. The same psychologist has an excellent summary of something which confuses a lot of people about narcissism. You’ve all seen examples of the loud, boisterous and overbearing narcissist, but what about the ones who are more introverted and vulnerable? This type is called a covert narcissist (or a vulnerable narcissist), and this is what my father was. In the first video, I strongly see myself in the ways my father treated me and in the second video, I see what my father was almost successful in making me become.

It’s National Dog Day in the U.S. and Lucy is here to remind you to go express love and appreciation to your favorite canine. Not only does your doggie friend give you love and affection, but he or she also protects your home from intruders — such as birds, squirrels, mail carriers and other undesirables who deserve to be barked at vigorously. Where would we be without that? And if you think this service is actually unnecessary, ask yourself how long it’s been since your home was the victim of a vicious squirrel attack. See? The doggie defense works. Keep barking at ’em, Lucy.

I’ve spent a tremendous amount of time over the last couple of years thinking and writing about love and connection. I’ve come to understand that this lack of love and connection is at the root of a lot of human tragedy and unhappiness, including addictions and depression. As I talked with others and researched the psychology behind the issues, I ran into the surprising fact that researchers are increasingly using psychedelic drugs to allow volunteers to have experiences which are giving them a sense of connection which they’ve lost — something that allows them to feel connected to love and God in a way they didn’t understand before — which is having dramatic effects in combating things such as depression and addictions. In this 15-minute TED talk — without an audience in the age of COVID-19 — Johns Hopkins researcher Mary Cosimano shares her experiences with guided psilocybin sessions being used to treat addiction, depression and end-of-life issues. One of her key observations is the importance of love and connection. She said that it seems love is literally part of the answer. In her role as director of guide/facilitator services for the program, Cosimano is responsible for training and supervising session facilitators.

It’s something I wrote four and a half years ago — in the desperation of loneliness — and it’s become my most popular article. It’s not my best writing. It’s raw and unpolished. But it seems as though a lot of people can identify with it. It’s called Missing someone creates intense physical sensations in my heart. Just to give you an idea how many people still read it, I had 11,586 people visit the page last month — from 2,907 cities and towns around the world. London sent the most readers for it, followed by New York, Westminster, Los Angeles, Chicago, Kuala Lumpur, Melbourne, Sydney, Toronto and almost 3,000 more. I’ve noticed something interesting. It always gets the most hits from an area of the world in the late hours, right after midnight, and that breaks my heart — because I understand why. All these people are so lonely and are missing someone so much that they turn to a search engine looking for answers, so they stumble upon this piece. I wrote this late at night on the day after Christmas because my heart was breaking. I needed to express how much I missed someone, and a lot of people seem to identify with it. If you’re one of those people, I have no way of knowing who you are, but I empathize with you. I know why you hurt. I wish I could do more to help. I hurt with you, because after all this time, I still feel the same way.

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