Simon Cowell teams with GOP to bring you ‘Republican Idol’ show

By David McElroy · December 5, 2011

LOS ANGELES — In an effort to spice up a Republican presidential campaign that’s not attracting the ratings it once did, the GOP is teaming with former “American Idol” star Simon Cowell for a series of “Republican Idol” debates starting in two weeks.

“When some Republican Party poobah first called me in London to discuss the idea, I was really skeptical,” Cowell said Monday. “Then I watched some of the video of the previous debates and realized we could turn this into quite a show if we just produce it right. It already has a fantastic cast of nutty characters just waiting for someone to mine their comic potential. This is going to be a blast. I expect ratings will shoot through the roof.”

Republican national chairman Reince Priebus said his staff was similarly skeptical of the changes Cowell will be bringing to the show, but said his party’s need to appeal to mainstream voters made it worth working through the initial creative differences.

“I wasn’t initially comfortable with the opening act that will require all the candidates to perform together,” Priebus said. “But Simon tells me that audiences love that sort of goofy camaraderie. The candidates were mostly OK with at after we said their parts could be lip-synched, but all of the dancing will be legitimate and they’ll all be wearing the same flag-covered Spandex costumes. If we can get the act together in time, there’s even going to be a Christmas special with lots of singing and dancing.”

The plan was almost killed at the last second when the only black member of the cast was voted off the island over the weekend. Cowell and other producers huddled over this issue late Sunday night and decided that having one female candidate was good enough to go on with the show.

“The Republicans don’t really get any black votes anyway, so it didn’t really matter, but it looks good if you can show you’re not racist,” Cowell said. “There are rumors that Ricky Perry is one-eighth Native American, so that will help. Plus, we have Mormons covered with that Romney guy, and we have a strong appeal to the narcissist audience by giving Newt Gingrich a featured role.”

Priebus said both GOP leadership and Cowell unanimously agreed to kill off the Ron Paul character, simply because he’s seen as too serious and focused on issues no one cares about, but he said party bosses were shocked to discover there wasn’t a legal mechanism to force Paul out.

“At first we were bummed about that, but we decided to make something good out of it,” he said. “We’ll keep him around and let him be his normal self, but we’ll just treat him like the ‘crazy uncle’ guy who we can all identify with. The talk about the gold standard always gets a big laugh since nobody knows what it means.”

In addition to the opening production number, there will be a number of other changes to the format. The new swimsuit competition should offer great comic potential, according to Cowell, and the addition of Sybil the Soothsayer to read tarot cards for each candidate will appeal to those with more mystical interests. (Here’s Paul getting his tan ready for the swimsuit competition.)

“We had some thoughts about keeping some of the issue-oriented questions in the show, but Simon nixed that,” Priebus said. “We’re still going to ask them questions in two different segments, but audience tests showed that discussion of political issues bored the viewers, so we’re going to ask trivia about current television programming. Each campaign has been sent a briefing book about various shows and the candidates are studying that. Then there will be a segment asking each candidate embarrassing questions about his sex life. That tested well with the research audience.”

Although it’s not yet legal to substitute phone voting in place of actually going to polling places, Priebus said he’s open to the idea for the future.

“We’re really getting into this pop culture thing,” he said. “It shows me how little people care about the things we’ve been trying to talk to voters about.”

Cowell said the show should produce the same results as the old debate and primary format produced, but with far higher ratings.

“Let’s be honest,” Cowell said. “Nobody votes for candidates because they agree with them. Nobody even knows what these clowns stand for anyway. It’s all about popularity. We’re just going to open the process up and make it much more intimate and personal to help audiences decide who they really like best.”

There’s discussion of a more involved reality-style show starting in four years, but producers didn’t have time to put that together quickly enough for this campaign, Cowell said.

“We already have some interesting ideas for 2016,” he said. “We could send the candidates on a round-the-world trip with no money and see who can get back first. Or we could put them on an island together and force them to co-operate on some impossible task like balancing a budget — and then they can kill and eat one candidate a week until there’s only one left. There are all sorts of possibilities.”

Priebus said a few old-timers had objected to the lack of policy content in the new format of the show, but he put his foot down.

“The object of the game is to beat the Democrats next fall,” he said. “People are going to vote for whoever they like. It doesn’t matter what they really know. Once we’ve elected someone, there will be advisors to tell them what to do. This is really the best way.”

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I’m seeing a lot of simplistic and dishonest explanations right now for the current rioting in France. Those on the populist far right claim it’s all about Muslim immigrants to France disrupting the culture. Their message is that this sort of thing is going to happen in the U.S. unless “we defend the border.” On the far left, socialists and their fellow travelers claim the riots are all about wealthy people in France not paying enough taxes, resulting in cuts to government services. The truth is far more complicated, but it’s rooted in the decline of population growth in Europe. There simply aren’t enough young workers paying into the tax system anymore, so cuts in social services were inevitable. There is genuine cultural tension as more and more people immigrate from other countries, but government cuts to education and other services are even more important to what’s happening. The situation is complicated, so don’t let dishonest people with U.S. political agendas tell you that it happens to support whatever they were already promoting for partisan reasons.

Here’s another reason to appreciate the cats in your life: New research involving 93 countries found that places with more cats per person also tended to have happier people. The researchers say the finding fits with previous evidence that living with pets can reduce loneliness and stress while providing companionship, emotional attachment and social support. The study doesn’t prove that cats cause greater happiness, but it certainly adds to the evidence that sharing your home — and your life — with a cat might be good for you.

The company that owns Facebook and Instagram is heavily promoting its new AI-based software assistant called Muse, but people who are using it as it was designed are incredibly foolish. An early adopter of the software discovered that a few days ago when he advertised an item for sale on Facebook Marketplace — and he inadvertently gave Muse full authority to act on his behalf. The software agreed to a lowball offer made by another Facebook user and then gave that man the home address of the man for whom he was an agent. The software told the buyer that the seller was home and waiting for him. When the buyer showed up and waited angrily, the would-be buyer left an angry review for the man. And this angry man had the seller’s home address. It was only well after that that the software reported what it had done and admitted it had made a mistake. I won’t be putting that much power into the hands of any software. I think anyone who agrees to such terms is a fool. And the software’s user agreement says you’re responsible for purchases the software makes in your name. Nope.

Meet my new girlfriend. Her name is Meg. And she’s my little sweetheart. A couple of months ago, a neighbor across the street told me about a new stray in the neighborhood that she and I were both soon feeding. The cat had been very skittish about contact and she had a lot of scabs and parasites in her fur, but a trip to the vet last week revealed that she was otherwise in good health. The vet estimates her to be 1 to 2 years old. I named her for Meg Murry, the 13-year-old protagonist of Madeleine L’Engle’s wonderful book, “A Wrinkle in Time.” (Please read the book. Don’t watch the horrible movie.) Since we lost Lucy almost a year ago, it seems appropriate that we finally have a new little girl to join the household. She’s already captured my heart, but Alex, Oliver and Sam aren’t there quite yet.

There’s nothing socially acceptable that’s as dangerous as drinking alcohol. Most people grow up being told to “drink responsibly” — and all of us see people abusing this drug in one way or another — but the truth is that drinking alcohol is always a terrible risk. The alcohol in these drinks is toxic and the human liver has to work hard to filter the toxins out. What most people don’t realize is that alcohol is classified as a known carcinogen by the World Health Organization — because of the well-established connection between imbibing and various cancers. Many people have taken refuge behind the idea that light or moderate drinking might be safe, but a new study shows that drinking even one drink a day increases the risks of 10 types of cancer. When I was a teen-ager, I looked around and saw the negative effects that this behavior had on a lot of people and decided not to start drinking, so I’ve never even tried this poison. The evidence keeps piling up that I was lucky to have come to that conclusion early.

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