blame

My programming from childhood still equates blame with shame

By David McElroy · June 12, 2019

I try to be blameless as much as I can. I struggle to do everything perfectly. I work hard to make others happy with me. It’s because I’m still running an old childhood script — one that makes me feel deep shame when anyone blames me for anything. So I’m constantly in fear of anyone thinking I’ve done something wrong.

It happened again Tuesday in a work situation. Something went wrong on a project which I’m overseeing. It wasn’t anything I caused. It wasn’t anything I could have prevented. I had no fault in the matter.

But someone was upset that he was inconvenienced in a small way. Because I was the bearer of the bad news — and because it’s my project — I could feel his blame. I could feel his unhappiness with me.

And I immediately felt a deep sense of shame — like a small boy whose angry father was blaming him for something he couldn’t control.

Keep Reading

As soon as I walked through the door to the eye doctor’s office a few minutes ago, I could tell everybody was stressed. There were two women at the front counter working frantically. After a moment, one of them tried to greet me, but she stumbled around before apologizing that they were having a crisis. She tried to deal with me as she handled another patient and listened to another call on hold, but she seemed overwhelmed. “It’s OK,” I said. “Let me wait until you’re finished with this. I don’t mind.” She thanked me and looked relieved. After a couple of minutes, she got off the phone and directed me to where I needed to be and I talked with her briefly about her crisis, just enough to express some empathy. Someone else helped me with what I’d come for and I left the office 10 minutes later. On the way out the door, I asked the woman up front if everything was OK now. She smiled and said it was a little better. I walked out the door, but before I got to my car, I realized she had followed me and said, “Excuse me. I was really upset when you came in, but the way you treated me changed how I felt. Thank you so much for your kindness.” In a small way, I helped this woman in a crisis. It didn’t cost me anything, either. Remember that you can ruin people’s days or make them better. Be someone who people are glad to see. It makes you a better person.

As I was joking around with the employees of a restaurant just now, I noticed a woman off to the side who was watching but trying not to be conspicuous. She finally came over and spoke. “Excuse me,” she started, apparently unsure how to ask her question. “Are you someone on TV? You seem like an entertainer I’ve seen somewhere, but I can’t figure out who you are.” After I laughed and assured her that it has been years since I’ve been on television for anything, she seemed a bit sheepish. She and her daughter are on their way from Ohio to Orange Beach, Ala., for a vacation — and she was certain she had run across a vacationing celebrity. I found it hilarious.

Driving a car is terrifying if you allow yourself to be aware of all the things that can go wrong. I just made a simple right turn — one which seemed quite safe — and it was only afterward that I realized I had not had the right of way and that an oncoming car almost hit me. I was completely at fault. If there had been an accident, I would definitely have been the one to blame. No matter how careful you attempt to be, you’re going to make such mistakes. And you have even less control over the mistakes which others make. I suspect the only way we all allow ourselves to keep doing this dangerous thing is by choosing to remain in denial about our own very human fallibility. Driving is the most dangerous thing we do every day, even though we rarely allow ourselves to realize how much danger we’re in.

When I saw the headline, I assumed it was satire, but I quickly realized that somebody really was dumb enough to be confused about this: “University of Minnesota digs into why people with generous unemployment benefits take longer to find work.” That was a headline in the Minneapolis Star-Tribute last weekend. Whoever could take this question seriously doesn’t understand human nature. The article says, “…[W]hen people are offered more generous unemployment benefits — such as a longer time horizon and higher payments — they take longer to find new jobs.” Well, duh. Is anybody surprised by this? The researcher who led the study says she sees no evidence that it’s because people are slackers, but she doesn’t understand human nature. If somebody is paying you while you’re unemployed, your incentive to look hard for a job is lower and you can be pickier about which job to accept. You can turn your nose up at bad jobs. It’s not that I don’t have sympathy for people who are struggling to find work. I was there just five years ago. But I do understand human nature. When you’re broke and the wolf is banging at your door, you’re willing to take anything.

Sophia was only 5 years old when I met her and her 9-year-old sister, Bella, one day when they were bored and needed somebody to entertain them. Their dad was a casual friend who worked as a manager at a restaurant where I used to go and they had to come to work with him one evening while their mom was recovering from some dental work. Those girls and I hit it off and we had a great time that night. I ran into their parents again tonight and got a great report on the entire family. The girls are 10 and 14 now, which is hard for me to believe, and they looked beautiful and full of energy in their recent photos. The family seems to be doing much better now than they were five years ago, so it was really a joyful update for me. There’s something magical in watching children grow up in healthy and happy ways.

blame

Related Posts