In order to show how much they care, the folks in the White House have set up a website for people to make petitions about issues they care about. What the politicians didn’t count on was someone using their system to satirize how vapid and condescending the actual responses are.
Any sane and realistic person knows that the administration doesn’t care how many petitions you sign. (It’s not just this one, of course. No administration cares about petitions, contrary to what many people assume.) It’s only interested in how many votes you can deliver and how many dollars you can give.
For the rest of us, they’re just interested in placating us. They’ll pretend to listen. They’ll write boilerplate responses. They might even promise a pony sometimes. But it’s not going to change reality.
The White House petition system is for PR purposes, pure and simple. We all know that. And when politicians go through the motions of pretending to take us seriously, it’s condescending. So here’s a petition that I hope you’ll actually consider signing:
If you want to win a chess match, you have to play chess, not lecture the other players
‘We’re live with people standing in line. Did we mention we’re live?’
If parents excuse cheating, what should we expect from their kids?

Suppressing speech you don’t like is a lousy way to encourage tolerance
Without peaceful breakup plan, U.S. faces violent, angry collapse
Pro-free market candidates don’t promise price targets on gasoline
For a culture where God is dead, spiritual emergence is madness
Despite promise of new tech, today’s journalism is just trivia