It’s late afternoon on election day 2016. The Status Quo News Network has live coverage:
Anchor: We now take you live to another random voting location that happens to be near the bar where our crew will be hanging out later tonight. Luther?
Reporter: Biff, I am standing live in front of a line of voters at Bluff Heights Elementary School in suburban Atlanta. After a hard-fought election, things are tense. Mr. Voter, could you tell me why you’ve come out on this historic day.
Voter: Well, I’m here to vote.
Reporter: And there you have it, Biff. He’s here to vote.
Voter: The wife and me are going to Waffle House after this. Did you need to know that, too?
Reporter: Biff, they’re going to Waffle House after this. We have that as an exclusive.
Anchor: Luther, it appears people are standing in line there. Are these patriotic Americans standing in line?
Reporter: Yes, Biff, they are. I am told there was a line when they got here — since everybody other than us is getting off work about now — so they have to stand in line while they wait. Some of them are veterans. They’re here to vote and they will stand in line until they do. God bless America.
Voter: We don’t mind none. The Waffle House looked full when we drove by, so we got to wait anyway.
Anchor: Luther, there are a lot of white people there. Does this mean Donald Trump is winning?
Reporter: As one voter left, he was wearing a t-shirt that said, “Make American Grate Again,” and it had a picture of cheese on it, so we take that as a clear indication this is Trump country but we don’t know what the cheese meant.
Anchor: And now we go to one of our hateful, partisan studio analysts to fill some time since there’s nothing to actually report. Lloyd, what did you see there?
Analyst: Biff, there were clearly people standing in line and I saw several of them wearing blue shirts. This election is a slam-dunk for Hillary Clinton based on what I see here.
Anchor: Why were they willing to stand in line, Lloyd?
Analyst: When I ran for school body president in high school, we had a table in the hall where people had to line up to wait to vote. That’s what this reminds me of, Biff. Those voters in high school loved me, so they lined up to vote. Just like I’ve been telling you for weeks, these voters love Hillary, so they’re lining up. They’re with her.
Anchor: Did you win your election, Lloyd?
Analyst: No, I didn’t, Biff, but it was rigged and I will never forgive the snide creatures who voted for Bobby Jackson. He was stupid but he was quarterback for the football team.
Anchor: They really stood in line, Lloyd? At a high school? Is that legal?
Analyst: We didn’t have Justice Department observers for that election, which probably explains why Bobby Jackson won. He got Juanita Jennings to go out with him after he won, too. I could have married that girl if the Justice Department had been there.
Anchor: I’ve just been told we need to cut away for some breaking news. Live at Donald Trump headquarters, our reporter has confirmed that the top campaign staff has ordered pizza for dinner. What does this mean? Are they standing in line, too? After we get the details, we’ll be back for analysis and much more. Please keep watching our ads. Don’t turn the channel. In a moment, we’re going live to Trump headquarters. This is live. Did we mention it’s live breaking news? When we come back, Brenda will tell us which toppings the Trump staff got for their pizza and Lloyd will explain what this means about who’s winning. Stay with the Status Quo News Network for more exciting news. Did we mention we’re live?