‘We’re live with people standing in line. Did we mention we’re live?’

By David McElroy · November 8, 2016

It’s late afternoon on election day 2016. The Status Quo News Network has live coverage:

Anchor: We now take you live to another random voting location that happens to be near the bar where our crew will be hanging out later tonight. Luther?

Reporter: Biff, I am standing live in front of a line of voters at Bluff Heights Elementary School in suburban Atlanta. After a hard-fought election, things are tense. Mr. Voter, could you tell me why you’ve come out on this historic day.

Voter: Well, I’m here to vote.

Reporter: And there you have it, Biff. He’s here to vote.

Voter: The wife and me are going to Waffle House after this. Did you need to know that, too?

Reporter: Biff, they’re going to Waffle House after this. We have that as an exclusive.

Anchor: Luther, it appears people are standing in line there. Are these patriotic Americans standing in line?

Reporter: Yes, Biff, they are. I am told there was a line when they got here — since everybody other than us is getting off work about now — so they have to stand in line while they wait. Some of them are veterans. They’re here to vote and they will stand in line until they do. God bless America.

Voter: We don’t mind none. The Waffle House looked full when we drove by, so we got to wait anyway.

Anchor: Luther, there are a lot of white people there. Does this mean Donald Trump is winning?

Reporter: As one voter left, he was wearing a t-shirt that said, “Make American Grate Again,” and it had a picture of cheese on it, so we take that as a clear indication this is Trump country but we don’t know what the cheese meant.

Anchor: And now we go to one of our hateful, partisan studio analysts to fill some time since there’s nothing to actually report. Lloyd, what did you see there?

Analyst: Biff, there were clearly people standing in line and I saw several of them wearing blue shirts. This election is a slam-dunk for Hillary Clinton based on what I see here.

Anchor: Why were they willing to stand in line, Lloyd?

Analyst: When I ran for school body president in high school, we had a table in the hall where people had to line up to wait to vote. That’s what this reminds me of, Biff. Those voters in high school loved me, so they lined up to vote. Just like I’ve been telling you for weeks, these voters love Hillary, so they’re lining up. They’re with her.

Anchor: Did you win your election, Lloyd?

Analyst: No, I didn’t, Biff, but it was rigged and I will never forgive the snide creatures who voted for Bobby Jackson. He was stupid but he was quarterback for the football team.

Anchor: They really stood in line, Lloyd? At a high school? Is that legal?

Analyst: We didn’t have Justice Department observers for that election, which probably explains why Bobby Jackson won. He got Juanita Jennings to go out with him after he won, too. I could have married that girl if the Justice Department had been there.

Anchor: I’ve just been told we need to cut away for some breaking news. Live at Donald Trump headquarters, our reporter has confirmed that the top campaign staff has ordered pizza for dinner. What does this mean? Are they standing in line, too? After we get the details, we’ll be back for analysis and much more. Please keep watching our ads. Don’t turn the channel. In a moment, we’re going live to Trump headquarters. This is live. Did we mention it’s live breaking news? When we come back, Brenda will tell us which toppings the Trump staff got for their pizza and Lloyd will explain what this means about who’s winning. Stay with the Status Quo News Network for more exciting news. Did we mention we’re live?

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If you have problems with high blood pressure, I’d like to encourage you to consider making serious changes to your diet. There might be some people who don’t have any choice but to start taking prescription medications for high blood pressure, but I’d like to tell you that I have completely eliminated my issue by eliminating all sugar and almost all carbohydrates. (A couple of months ago, my blood pressure hit 185/144, which was dangerously high — considered stage 3 hypertension.) By completely changing my eating habits, I’m down 22 pounds and my blood pressure is now in the “ideal” range — without taking any medication. In addition, I sleep better and I have more energy. Getting away from the sugar-laden mess that we generally refer to as “highly processed food” has been a life-changer for me. Now my challenge is to avoid slipping back into old habits — by eating in the dangerous ways that almost everyone in our society has come to see as normal.

When I first heard about this, I thought it must be satire. When I discovered it was real, I was appalled, but I still thought it must be a one-time thing from some nutty activist. But it turns out it’s the latest bit of pandering to a bunch of far-left activists who believe that a man can become a woman if he decides to claim he’s a woman. As everybody knows, men have prostate glands. Women do not. Period. End of story. Men can get prostate cancer. Women cannot. But political activists are so eager to pretend that a man claiming to be a “trans woman” is really a woman that they are insisting that “women” be included in public health messages about the issue. This is nothing but political virtue-signaling. If you’re a man, you know which parts you have. You know that you ought to be screened. Nobody is made any safer by dragging far-left gender ideology into simple medical reality.

Every time someone tries to tighten requirements around the use of absentee ballots, I hear screams from Democrats and others on the political left that such efforts are nothing but “suppression of black voters.” These protests have never made sense to me, especially because it’s never been a secret that absentee ballot fraud goes on all the time in certain areas. (Everybody knew it when I worked in politics.) The people who engage in such fraud are rarely caught — often because the local political establishment approves of the crime — but a Democrat who won a primary election in Clay County, Alabama, last year has pleaded guilty to this sort of cheating. Terry Andrew Heflin was running for a place on the Clay County Commission. He was caught ordering seven absentee ballots in the names of various voters and sending them to his post office box — after which he used the ballots to vote absentee for himself seven time. Did he have other people cast additional fraudulent ballots? We’ll never know. But in a primary in which he was able to win with only 141 votes, it wouldn’t take many fraudulent votes to change the election. The next time you hear “civil rights activists” claim that it’s just “voter suppression” to hurt blacks which is at the root of efforts to stop this fraud, remember Terry Heflin. If you care about fair and honest elections, ballot security and voter identity should matter to you.

A state legislator in Maine has been stripped of the ability to speak in the state Legislature — and her votes are not being counted on legislative issues — all because she made a truthful social media post. Rep. Laurel Libby (R-Auburn, Maine) opposes allowing boys to compete against girls’ teams in school athletics and she’s become known for making an issue of it. On Feb. 17, she posted on Facebook about a recent example that she found outrageous. She posted side-by-side photos of a boy named John who competed last year in a state track event and won fifth place against other boys two years ago — and a photo of the same boy (now called Katie) who won first place in the same event this year against girls. Whether you find this outrageous or not, Libby is clearly being honest and truthful about the objective facts of an issue of public importance. But the state Legislature censured her. Democrats decreed that she could not speak in the House and that her votes would not count on legislation — until she apologized for the outrage of telling the truth. She refused and her constituents have been unrepresented in the state House since then. The people who promote this ideology are out of touch with reality and won’t rest until they force the rest of us to join them in this delusion. But even if you agree with “trans” ideology, you should be appalled at this heavy-handed attack on political speech.

The late Steve Jobs was at the center of our culture’s transition from analog to digital. He co-founded Apple Computer. He led the team that revolutionized personal computing with the first Macintosh. As CEO of Apple, he led the development of the iPhone and later the iPad. You would think the children of such a man would be surrounded by technology. But Jobs and his wife Laureen didn’t let their children use iPads. Their home had few screens of any kind. Even though Jobs spent most of his time developing and selling Macs and iPhones and iPads, he was home with his wife and children for dinner when he was in town. The family ate together at a simple wooden table in their kitchen — and there were no digital devices or focus on popular culture. Instead, he’s said to have guided his family toward deep discussions of art, philosophy and education — with no iPads to be found. If the man who guided the development of such products chose a different path for his own children, does that suggest that his digital experience taught him that children need human connection, not screens? And does it suggest the possibility that we might be better off if we made the same choice for our families?

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