‘We’re live with people standing in line. Did we mention we’re live?’

By David McElroy · November 8, 2016

It’s late afternoon on election day 2016. The Status Quo News Network has live coverage:

Anchor: We now take you live to another random voting location that happens to be near the bar where our crew will be hanging out later tonight. Luther?

Reporter: Biff, I am standing live in front of a line of voters at Bluff Heights Elementary School in suburban Atlanta. After a hard-fought election, things are tense. Mr. Voter, could you tell me why you’ve come out on this historic day.

Voter: Well, I’m here to vote.

Reporter: And there you have it, Biff. He’s here to vote.

Voter: The wife and me are going to Waffle House after this. Did you need to know that, too?

Reporter: Biff, they’re going to Waffle House after this. We have that as an exclusive.

Anchor: Luther, it appears people are standing in line there. Are these patriotic Americans standing in line?

Reporter: Yes, Biff, they are. I am told there was a line when they got here — since everybody other than us is getting off work about now — so they have to stand in line while they wait. Some of them are veterans. They’re here to vote and they will stand in line until they do. God bless America.

Voter: We don’t mind none. The Waffle House looked full when we drove by, so we got to wait anyway.

Anchor: Luther, there are a lot of white people there. Does this mean Donald Trump is winning?

Reporter: As one voter left, he was wearing a t-shirt that said, “Make American Grate Again,” and it had a picture of cheese on it, so we take that as a clear indication this is Trump country but we don’t know what the cheese meant.

Anchor: And now we go to one of our hateful, partisan studio analysts to fill some time since there’s nothing to actually report. Lloyd, what did you see there?

Analyst: Biff, there were clearly people standing in line and I saw several of them wearing blue shirts. This election is a slam-dunk for Hillary Clinton based on what I see here.

Anchor: Why were they willing to stand in line, Lloyd?

Analyst: When I ran for school body president in high school, we had a table in the hall where people had to line up to wait to vote. That’s what this reminds me of, Biff. Those voters in high school loved me, so they lined up to vote. Just like I’ve been telling you for weeks, these voters love Hillary, so they’re lining up. They’re with her.

Anchor: Did you win your election, Lloyd?

Analyst: No, I didn’t, Biff, but it was rigged and I will never forgive the snide creatures who voted for Bobby Jackson. He was stupid but he was quarterback for the football team.

Anchor: They really stood in line, Lloyd? At a high school? Is that legal?

Analyst: We didn’t have Justice Department observers for that election, which probably explains why Bobby Jackson won. He got Juanita Jennings to go out with him after he won, too. I could have married that girl if the Justice Department had been there.

Anchor: I’ve just been told we need to cut away for some breaking news. Live at Donald Trump headquarters, our reporter has confirmed that the top campaign staff has ordered pizza for dinner. What does this mean? Are they standing in line, too? After we get the details, we’ll be back for analysis and much more. Please keep watching our ads. Don’t turn the channel. In a moment, we’re going live to Trump headquarters. This is live. Did we mention it’s live breaking news? When we come back, Brenda will tell us which toppings the Trump staff got for their pizza and Lloyd will explain what this means about who’s winning. Stay with the Status Quo News Network for more exciting news. Did we mention we’re live?

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On a live awards show Sunday night, one man made a joke about a female celebrity. The husband of the celebrity was offended and hit the man who made the joke. Or maybe it was staged for entertainment. Who knows? Who cares? Social media is full of discussion — and even arguments — about this idiocy today. This baffles me. Let’s assume for a moment that the event happened as reported. People have been having such idiotic fights ever since there have been humans. Half the bars in the world see such brief dustups regularly. It simply doesn’t matter. The fact that so many people believe they need to talk about this — or even need to have opinions about it — is more evidence of the bizarre media brainwashing that convinces many to care passionately about brain-dead trivia. Your life will be happier and saner if you focus on yourself, your family and your friends, not on whatever scripted (or spontaneous) bilge that the media wants to pipe into your home.

I’m in the middle of migrating this website to new servers this week. This means you might encounter some unexpected behavior until I get all the bugs worked out. Clicking on my links (including this one) might cause your browser to give you the message that it’s a site without a current security certificate. It’s not actually unsafe, but there’s something which isn’t yet set up for the security certificate. I apologize for any such errors you might encounter while the process is going on. If you notice any problems with content which didn’t migrate properly, I would appreciate you letting me know the details at davidmcelroy@mac.com. Thanks for your patience.

I often wonder what animals think when they look at us and consider the society we’ve created. Yes, I know this is fanciful and unrealistic, but what if they could? Would they be astounded at how we treat each other? Would they be disgusted by the ugliness and pettiness which fill so many of our daily interactions? The truth is that I’m feeling pretty disgusted with humanity tonight. I made the mistake of reading some online interactions that I should have avoided — and it sickened me. The people involved appeared to be vile and stupid and arrogant. I wish I could pretend they’re a tiny minority, but I know better. It’s times such as this when I most need to escape much of “civilization” and disconnect from their world. If humans are going to be worthy of “ruling this planet,” we have a lot of growth to do. And I fear that growth is nowhere in sight. So my buddy Thomas, above, and all of his friends would be right to judge us harshly — and to think, “Why do you folks get to be in charge?”

I should have expected this, but I honestly didn’t. The article I wrote last week about disagreements over treatment for autistic children brought me angry emails. You could almost call it “hate mail.” Of the five emails about it so far, two have been to tell me that I’m wrong to even listen to critics of the most popular therapy for autistic children — and the other three tell me I’m wrong for not condemning the treatment as the “obvious” abuse it is. If you read the article, you know I didn’t take a position on the issue, because I simply don’t know enough to have an opinion. But by talking about the issue, I stepped into a heated controversy. The emails from the two sides convinced me of nothing. But they did give me even more empathy for the unfortunate parents who have to figure out for themselves where the truth lies for their children.

Have you ever had what you thought was a new idea — and then discovered that “old you” had the same idea years ago? I had that experience tonight. And it’s been wonderful. I came up with an idea tonight for a very short satirical film that would be a promotion for a fictitious college. The point is to make the college promote — as good things — everything which is actually terrible about most modern colleges. Then I remembered a fake college that I invented back when I was in college. I had created student recruitment brochures and various newsletters back then, so I decided to call my “new” college by the same name I’d invented years ago: Ochita College. As I searched my computer for any old material I might still have about Ochita from the past, I discovered an email I sent to someone in 2009 — outlining essentially the same idea which I came up with tonight. Since I didn’t remember writing that, it felt like magic. So my next film project just might be this one instead. If all goes well, you might soon see “Ochita College: Your Future Starts Here.” This should be fun.

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