I had dinner Saturday with a friend. She was already seated when I arrived.
“You look terrible,” she said, almost laughing. I didn’t disagree with her, but I was surprised it showed so easily.
I haven’t been sleeping well. When I do sleep, my dreams are often confusing. I wake up feeling as though I’ve been wrestling with something which leaves me exhausted. And I’ve been eating horribly, which makes it harder to sleep and makes me feel terrible when I’m awake. But I didn’t realize any of this showed on my face until my friend said so.
My life has felt lately as though I’m going through a dark hall of mirrors at a carnival. It’s not just a three-minute trip with a quick exit, though. I work here. I eat here and sleep here. Somehow, I’ve brought myself into a long nightmare in which things are distorted and scary — and I can’t find the exit.
When I woke up Saturday morning from another restless night, I found a note which I had made for myself at some point in the night. I don’t recall having this thought or making the note, but I make such notes in my sleep every now and then.
“Looking back on it now, I can see that she was afraid of intimacy,” I had written.
I must’ve been dreaming about her again.

Would you have been on a ship? Or back home complaining?
Real love is spiritual experience that connects me to the cosmos
Evil and idiocy stripping away veneer of western civilization
Anonymous attacker hit me hard, but I can’t let coward change me
Her dad didn’t want to help her, so here’s a jack-o’-lantern for Hannah
If romantic love is real and true, does it never really fade away?
Where are Obama’s tears when he’s the one killing innocent children?
Goodbye, Amelia (2000-2013)
When it comes to ideas, should we prefer complexity or simplicity?