David McElroy

There are times when the most liberating thing you can do is to give up.

I keep deceiving myself. I tell myself that I’m finished trying to “save” others. I know it’s a waste of time and emotional energy to keep trying to save people who don’t want to be saved. People who don’t believe they need to be saved.

It’s ridiculous. It’s even arrogant of me. And it’s exhausting.

But I keep slipping back into the habit anyway, and I feel like a fool. I find that I’m not saving anyone — and I’m destroying myself by giving myself false hope that change might be coming. The truth is that change isn’t coming. Nobody is going to listen. And I need to save myself — instead of trying to become a hero by saving someone else.

When I look at reality, I see so much which is going to hurt people — some who I’ve loved, some who I’ll never know — and I want to scream in frustration that what I see isn’t obvious to those others. I was once naive enough to believe that if I just explained carefully why people were putting themselves at risk, they would eagerly make changes in their own lives.

What I find is that many people will admit — in the abstract — that they badly need change, but then they’re unwilling to do anything about it once they realize there’s a price to be paid.

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All your life, popular culture has sold you a lie. Most of us grow up internalizing the lie that happiness is found through the pursuit of pleasure and material things. We don’t even think about it. Everyone wants more “stuff.” And everyone wants all the sensual pleasures that this world offers.

“If it feels good, do it,” is the mantra of foolish modern man.

There’s nothing wrong with material things. There’s nothing inherently wrong with pleasure. But there’s a secret that some people never learn. No amount of pleasure will make you happy. No accumulation of material things will ever bring meaning or joy to your life.

The truth is that meaning comes through responsibility. Real happiness and joy — the kind that come with long-term meaning — come through serving the people we love.

Meaning comes from loving someone — the family you choose for yourself — and from gladly meeting your responsibilities to them.

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I found myself feeling resentful earlier this week about the amount of time I was “wasting” at work one day. I had something more important which I was eager to do. I don’t work nearly as many hours now as I used to, but I felt impatient with work this week anyway.

As I grumbled inwardly, I started thinking about how much I’d worked in the past at other pursuits.

When I owned a couple of small start-up newspapers, I routinely worked between 100 and 110 hours a week. I was exhausted all the time, but I didn’t mind the effort. I loved what I was doing. I was passionate about it.

When I was a political consultant, there were weeks when I worked 80 or 90 hours, especially as an election approached. Other times during a year, I might work only a few hours a week. It varied. I was happy with that, too. I controlled my time — and I loved what I was doing.

What dominates my time now? Writing, photography, thinking — all about things which matter to me. My income tells you nothing about what I care about, but my use of time tells you everything. I’ve realized very clearly this week that my use of time — and where I put my attention — have always been a proxy for what I loved and what I was passionate about.

That’s true for you, too. And for everyone else.

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