David McElroy

All I want and all I need
Is someone who believes in me.
— Reese Roper, “Suckerpunch”

I’ve never felt as loved and understood as I felt when I read her email that night.

It was years ago, and I hadn’t thought about what she wrote for a very long time. I thought the memory was safely packed away in my unconscious — in a box marked, “Dangerous: Do not open.”

The box opened all by itself late Friday night and memories came tumbling out. I have no idea why. I can’t explain it. But for the last 24 hours or so, I’ve been filled with memories of feelings which are awful and terrible and painful — but also sweet and loving and healing.

I honestly can’t say whether this is good or bad. I just know the memories hurt my heart, but they also remind me so much of what I long to feel again.

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It’s another door slammed and bolted
It’s one more window locked
You were on your way back home and now you’re not
— Terry Scott Taylor, “I Plan, God Laughs”

When I was 24, I had a plan for my life. I knew exactly where I was going. What I was going to do. Who I was going to become. Then I changed. My life changed. I threw that plan away.

By the time I was about 28, I had a completely different plan. It was so clear and simple. But things went in a different direction. I learned more about myself — and then another plan was tossed.

Things were radically different by the time I was 32, then took another unexpected turn when I hit 40.

How many plans have I had? At least half a dozen major plans, maybe more. But I keep changing. And when I change, I find that the things which seemed so important before can seem more like grim jokes. The goal I had wanted seems pointless. The woman I had loved with all my heart is worth nothing to me.

My plans have involved careers, romantic partners and dreams of fame and power. There’ve been visions of money and success and art and love. Especially love. But every time I make a plan, God seems to laugh gently at me, because I can’t see what’s coming.

I keep changing. Unexpected things keep happening. And then my old plans seem laughable and naive. That seems to be happening once more.

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It’s been years since I’ve fallen in love. Ever since I lost that last relationship, I’ve wondered whether I could ever fall in love again. But I met a woman last week who’s given me hope. Just a little bit.

I was walking through a parking lot when I saw a woman get out of a car. Something about her face struck me in a way that hasn’t happened for a very long time. She was tall and strikingly beautiful, but it wasn’t that. Not really. I meet beautiful women all the time. This one was different.

I can’t explain it, but there was something behind her face — in her eyes as she glanced at me — that felt familiar. It was like recognizing someone who I’d never actually met. I had to talk to her.

I don’t remember exactly what I said, but we chatted as we walked in the same direction. I got to the door where I was going and stopped. She first kept going, but then she hesitated and turned around and we kept chatting.

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