How did memory get it wrong? Why did I edit truth about her?

By David McElroy · January 14, 2019

I was absolutely certain that I remembered what happened. It was eight years ago, but it was important enough to me that I had a clear picture in my mind of what was said — and what wasn’t said.

But now I’m confused. My head is spinning just a bit, to be honest. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me tell you the story.

Almost 16 years ago, I met a woman who I was crazy about, but nothing came of it at the time. About six years later, we reconnected on Facebook, but she was dating somebody else by then. It seemed serious, so I didn’t express any interest. Still, she took my breath away every time I paid attention to her. She was beautiful and smart and lots of other things that mattered to me.

Eventually, I noticed that her relationship with the other guy seemed to have ended. Every mention of him and every photo of him disappeared. But I hesitated. How in the world could I say, “I’m crazy about you; would you let me get to know you better?”

I finally found an excuse to send her a Facebook message. Here’s where it gets interesting. For eight years, I have believed with all my heart that her response didn’t give me any encouragement. For all this time, I have believed that I didn’t pursue it any further because I didn’t see any reason to think I should.

I have believed — with all my heart — that her reply was a quick thanks that offered no encouragement. And I’ve believed that’s why I never pursued her.

Tonight, I found out that my memory was completely wrong. I happened to be deep in old Facebook messages looking for the date something happened, and I ran across our conversation.

The narrative that was so clear in my mind was mistaken in every way. And I’m left sitting here on a cold winter night at 2 a.m. wondering how I could possibly have gotten something so wrong — about something which I wanted that much.

She didn’t brush me off. In fact, it was just the opposite.

She thanked me for what I had sent to her and she asked me some questions about myself. It was five days after Christmas and she asked me to send her some pictures from my Christmas. She asked me whether I spent time with my nieces. She asked me what I was doing for New Year’s Eve.

And she even said, “What else is new with you? I feel as though we haven’t spoken in a long time.”

Sitting here and staring at those words, I’m honestly confused. How could I have had this so wrong in my memory for so long? How could I have convinced myself that she brushed me off and didn’t encourage me to talk with her any further? And why in the world did I do this?

I know other people have had warped memories, too. I know it’s not just me. Psychology research is filled with evidence that people’s memories are wrong about a lot of things. I’m a big fan of work by Dr. Elizabeth Loftus which proves we fool ourselves quite often about what happened and that false memories are easy to plant.

So if I know all this, why in the world did I do this to myself?

First, let’s look at the evidence. When this woman asked me these questions about myself and invited me to tell her what’s new with me, how did I respond?

Looking at the log of the conversation tonight, I see that I never even responded to her. I simply ignored her questions. I ignored the chance to continue a conversation which she was inviting me to have.

I have a couple of thoughts about this, but I’d rather not tell you, because I don’t like what they have to say about my mental state at the time. But it’s the middle of the night and nobody is around but Lucy and the cats, so I’ll tell you anyway — since nobody is here to listen.

My gut feeling is that I simply got scared.

Just saying that makes me feel sick in the pit of my stomach. You see, I knew enough about this woman to know that she was my ideal. I had gotten accustomed to believing that nothing was going to work out with her. She hadn’t wanted to pursue anything when we had first met. I know that much is true, but I’m wondering now how much I might have been looking for an excuse even then.

Here’s what I’m going around the world to say. This woman seemed like my ideal woman. I had been very disappointed years before when she hadn’t wanted to pursue something romantic with me. (She thought we had too big an age gap at the time.)

So when she at least encouraged me to talk with her further — eight years ago — I didn’t hear what she really said. I heard the worst of my fears instead. I somehow interpreted what she said as a polite brush-off. And doing that gave me a rational reason to walk away instead of pursuing someone I wanted — because something in me was scared I might lose. I didn’t want to be hurt.

That’s the obvious answer, isn’t it?

I had felt rebuffed by this woman one time. When she encouraged me to talk with her again, I was remembering that. I was thinking, “Oh, she’ll still feel the same way, so there’s no use trying.” I was taking “no” for an answer to a question which I hadn’t even given her the chance to hear.

What if we had started talking eight years ago? What if we had gotten to know one another better? What if we had dated? I suspect we would have fallen in love. Maybe I’m wrong. I’ll never know for sure.

What if you woke up one day and found out that your narrative about something major in your life that had happened close to a decade ago was completely wrong? Would you feel confused? Would you feel upset with yourself?

That’s the way I feel. I’m upset that I didn’t pursue the opening she gave me that day. I’m annoyed that I let my fear stop me from pursuing someone I was pretty sure I wanted. And I’m embarrassed that I didn’t let her make the choice for herself. It wasn’t fair to either one of us.

I know we get things wrong in our memory. I know we all mess up. I know that in theory. I didn’t believe I could have made this big a mistake in my narrative, not in real life. But I did.

And now — in the stillness of a cold winter night — I can’t help sitting here in the silence and wonder whether my life might have been very different if I had simply continued the conversation that my “dream girl” was offering to have that day eight years ago.

And there’s something else I feel. Even though I might be crazy — and I might be wrong — it makes me happy to believe she might have chosen me — if I’d just given her the chance.

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We are ruled by the dumbest and most incompetent people among us — and we have a system which allows stupid and irresponsible people to force the costs of their idiocy onto smarter and wiser people. Can we get away with that? Yes, for quite some time. But we eventually reach a point at which the dumbest of the dumb — who are habitual liars and mentally ill fools — lead us to the disasters and destruction that some of us have seen coming for years. We are approaching that point. And yet most of the idiots around us still wave their rhetorical banners of support for the evil people who are leading us to ruin — and all of them point their fingers at someone else, never noticing that their own enthusiastic support of evil is to blame. When things finally fall apart, blame yourself for your blindness to the evil, not whoever happens to be in power when it happens.

I’ve been making some changes to the site lately and there are more changes coming in the days ahead, so don’t be surprised if you some small differences. This is not a wholesale redesign, but rather the addition of some features. Since they’re smarter than I am, I’ve put Oliver and Alex in charge of the technical work, which you can see in this action photo from the control room of our media complex. I recently added a series of landing pages for readers who randomly discover the site from an Internet search. I’ve also changed the YouTube link at the top of the page to go to the new YouTube channel for video essays that reflect things I’ve already published here. (Here’s a little bit about both of the YouTube channels I’m working on.) In addition, I’m trying to move away from using Instagram, so I’m experimenting with photo plug-ins that will eventually allow me to host the pictures — cats, dogs, sunsets, whatever — that I often take. So don’t be surprised to see more changes. Thanks for your patience. Let’s hope Alex and Oliver know what they’re doing.

I have no use for the theocratic and repressive government of Iran. The people who run the country are cruel at best and evil at worst. The Iranian people deserve freedom. But I have no personal quarrel with anybody in Iran. While I’m not thrilled about a future Iranian government having nuclear weapons, I’m just as concerned about nukes in the hands of politicians in Israel, Pakistan, India, China and Russia. I’m not even thrilled with the U.S., Britain and France having them, either, because I don’t trust any politicians to be responsible with such terrible weapons. All I can say with certainty is that American taxpayers have no business attacking Iran, especially since we’re being forced to pay for this attack in order to benefit the politicians of Israel — and nobody else. If Middle Eastern countries want to fight among themselves, that’s none of my business. It’s not the business of the U.S. government, either. I have no quarrel with anybody in Iran — and having the government which claims to represent me launch an unprovoked attack against a sovereign country will only make all Americans less safe in the near future. This attack is poorly conceived and morally unjustified. Remember that when the Iranians launch attacks that we will then condemn as “terrorism.” What the U.S. is doing right now looks like terrorism to me. And let’s not forget that the attack is the latest in a long line of unconstitutional wars by various U.S. presidents — who have no legal power to declare war on their own, according to the U.S. Constitution.

A child having a tantrum understands only one thing: Did I get my way or not? He doesn’t understand the issues involved. He doesn’t understand the reasons that went into a decision. He doesn’t understand any of the things that mature and reasonable adults have to understand in order to live healthy lives. By his reaction to the U.S. Supreme Court’s ruling to strike down his disastrous tariff scheme, Donald Trump shows himself to be — once more — a screaming child having a tantrum. Outside the world of mob bosses who expect to get their way every time, normal adults don’t act this way, but Trump isn’t normal. He’s an angry and vengeful man who has narcissistic personality disorder. And we are in danger as a result. Trump doesn’t understand the legal issues involved in this ruling. He doesn’t understand economics. He doesn’t understand rule of law. He doesn’t understand that he can ever be wrong. All he understands is that he didn’t get his way. And he is now a narcissistic and raging little boy who also happens to hold life-and-death power over most humans on this planet. He’s dangerous — and the system which gives him that power is even more dangerous.

Is it an attempt to blur the gender line between men and women? Or is it some weird tribute to the traditional Scottish kilt? It’s hard to say, but fashion designers keep pushing for men to wear skirts in the last few years. Both men and women in modern fashion seem oddly androgynous, as though it would be offensive for a man to look manly or for a woman to look feminine. A CNN article about the latest fashions from Paris caught my attention Monday and left me wondering about the ugly clothes the designers are hawking. If a man wants to wear a skirt — or a kilt — that’s OK with me, but I’ll stick with a traditional dark suit with a white shirt and tie. (Well, when I’m not wearing t-shirts and sweats, of course.) I always wonder who actually buys the outlandish garb from fashion designers anyway. I would be humiliated to be seen in any of this stuff, but I obviously have no sense of high fashion.

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