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A dark cloud has followed me all day.

But it’s worse than that. It’s more like a dark monster — spewing its foul hot breath down my neck — just waiting for its chance to devour me.

I’ve come to a restaurant where I haven’t been for a long time. I didn’t really want to deal with anyone I know, but I felt too restless to go home. I’m sitting next to a huge window with a view of a beautiful sunset on the horizon, but I don’t even feel like walking outside to take a photo.

The glorious red sky doesn’t match the blackness I feel inside.

It’s not depression that I feel. This sort of darkness is different. It’s more like hopelessness. It’s the feeling that I’ve been running a race — pushing toward the prize I needed with all my heart — and then finding that I’ve been running in a big circle. It’s the feeling that my time has been wasted. That I’ll never have what I’ve been chasing.

When I woke up this morning, I remembered a dream — a vivid night drama that had awakened me in the wee hours and made me feel terribly alone.

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My childhood promises were driven by feelings of shame and humiliation.

I didn’t understand that at the time. I didn’t even understand shame or the terrible feelings of powerlessness which were so much a part of my life. I just knew that I wanted power and respect.

I promised myself that I would never again be controlled by others. I promised myself that I would have power and that I would no longer have to obey. I promised myself that I would give orders, not take them.

Leadership guru Michael Hyatt told a story on the Typology podcast earlier this year about a promise he made to himself when he was young. Hyatt’s father had a serious alcohol problem as Michael grew up. When he was 18, some of his friends were dropping him off at home — and his father was passed out on the sidewalk in front of the house.

As he tried to get his father up and into the house, his friends were laughing and watching. As he got his passed-out father into the house, he felt humiliated and he made himself a promise.

“I will never be like that,” he said to himself. That fear of becoming like his father drove Hyatt to become successful — and the same promise almost destroyed him.

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I was on the way home from work Tuesday evening when I had the sudden urge to stop at the Cahaba River. I was glad I did, and I recorded my thoughts about the experience.

The camera was hand-held, so the stability isn’t perfect. See the video below.

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