Intense emotions let me feel alive — but hurt comes along with joy

By David McElroy · September 21, 2016

A friend was telling me Wednesday afternoon about some terrible pain she’s going through. A long-term relationship ended for her not long ago and she’s hurting.

She knows the relationship needed to end, but she’s still devastated and hurt. It’s hard to adjust to the change. Everything feels wrong. She feels empty and alone. And she fears she might always be alone.

As I considered the hurt she was experiencing, I found myself thinking — not for the first time — that human life would be so much easier if we didn’t experience emotions.

Things would feel so much better for her — at least for right now — if she didn’t have to feel anything. If emotions just didn’t exist. She could live her normal life. She could feel better about her future. She could see herself as I see her — as a smart and beautiful woman with whatever future she wants to have.

But, instead, she is in the depths of despair.

Her story isn’t any different from what most of us have experienced. Just this week, I’ve dealt with two other friends going through painful breakups. One young woman I know had a boyfriend — who was telling her days before that he wanted to marry her — dump her in a parking lot without any real explanation. A man I know found out his wife was cheating on him and he was left devastated and wondering if he’ll ever recover from the betrayal he feels.

I’ve experienced all sorts of hurts and rejections, too, so I understand the way my friends feel. I’ve spent weeks or months in depression or semi-depression after losing love that I thought I could count on. There is no betrayal in the world that hurts that badly, at least to me.

And when I have gone through that, I’ve found myself wishing I could be numb. Maybe you have, too, when you’re hurting.

But even if that were possible, it would be terrible in the long run — because our feelings define who we are as human beings.

The experience of intense emotions makes me feel alive. Finding ways to express that emotion — especially when there’s the chance to express it as love for someone I care about intensely — is incredibly joyful for me.

I can’t imagine living without that joy.

Unfortunately, I don’t know any way to experience love without also experiencing the hurt that comes with loss. I don’t know of a way to experience joy without also having to experience the pain of betrayal as well. I don’t know of any way to experience any of the emotions that I so desperately need and crave without also having to experience the ones that destroy me when I have to experience them.

That fact can make life in the short run horribly painful, but the flip side of the pain is the love and joy and peace we feel when we experience the best parts of being human.

The downside of our emotions can be horrible, but the upside can make it worth all of the pain — even if it doesn’t feel that way while we’re going through it.

For my friends who are hurting this week — and even for myself as I work through loss and loneliness — all I can say is that the intensity of joy when the emotions are good makes the pain worth the toll it takes.

Love and connection define who we are as human beings. They make all the hurt worth it when love and connection finally return.

I wouldn’t want to live any other way.

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On a live awards show Sunday night, one man made a joke about a female celebrity. The husband of the celebrity was offended and hit the man who made the joke. Or maybe it was staged for entertainment. Who knows? Who cares? Social media is full of discussion — and even arguments — about this idiocy today. This baffles me. Let’s assume for a moment that the event happened as reported. People have been having such idiotic fights ever since there have been humans. Half the bars in the world see such brief dustups regularly. It simply doesn’t matter. The fact that so many people believe they need to talk about this — or even need to have opinions about it — is more evidence of the bizarre media brainwashing that convinces many to care passionately about brain-dead trivia. Your life will be happier and saner if you focus on yourself, your family and your friends, not on whatever scripted (or spontaneous) bilge that the media wants to pipe into your home.

I’m in the middle of migrating this website to new servers this week. This means you might encounter some unexpected behavior until I get all the bugs worked out. Clicking on my links (including this one) might cause your browser to give you the message that it’s a site without a current security certificate. It’s not actually unsafe, but there’s something which isn’t yet set up for the security certificate. I apologize for any such errors you might encounter while the process is going on. If you notice any problems with content which didn’t migrate properly, I would appreciate you letting me know the details at davidmcelroy@mac.com. Thanks for your patience.

I often wonder what animals think when they look at us and consider the society we’ve created. Yes, I know this is fanciful and unrealistic, but what if they could? Would they be astounded at how we treat each other? Would they be disgusted by the ugliness and pettiness which fill so many of our daily interactions? The truth is that I’m feeling pretty disgusted with humanity tonight. I made the mistake of reading some online interactions that I should have avoided — and it sickened me. The people involved appeared to be vile and stupid and arrogant. I wish I could pretend they’re a tiny minority, but I know better. It’s times such as this when I most need to escape much of “civilization” and disconnect from their world. If humans are going to be worthy of “ruling this planet,” we have a lot of growth to do. And I fear that growth is nowhere in sight. So my buddy Thomas, above, and all of his friends would be right to judge us harshly — and to think, “Why do you folks get to be in charge?”

I should have expected this, but I honestly didn’t. The article I wrote last week about disagreements over treatment for autistic children brought me angry emails. You could almost call it “hate mail.” Of the five emails about it so far, two have been to tell me that I’m wrong to even listen to critics of the most popular therapy for autistic children — and the other three tell me I’m wrong for not condemning the treatment as the “obvious” abuse it is. If you read the article, you know I didn’t take a position on the issue, because I simply don’t know enough to have an opinion. But by talking about the issue, I stepped into a heated controversy. The emails from the two sides convinced me of nothing. But they did give me even more empathy for the unfortunate parents who have to figure out for themselves where the truth lies for their children.

Have you ever had what you thought was a new idea — and then discovered that “old you” had the same idea years ago? I had that experience tonight. And it’s been wonderful. I came up with an idea tonight for a very short satirical film that would be a promotion for a fictitious college. The point is to make the college promote — as good things — everything which is actually terrible about most modern colleges. Then I remembered a fake college that I invented back when I was in college. I had created student recruitment brochures and various newsletters back then, so I decided to call my “new” college by the same name I’d invented years ago: Ochita College. As I searched my computer for any old material I might still have about Ochita from the past, I discovered an email I sent to someone in 2009 — outlining essentially the same idea which I came up with tonight. Since I didn’t remember writing that, it felt like magic. So my next film project just might be this one instead. If all goes well, you might soon see “Ochita College: Your Future Starts Here.” This should be fun.

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