A warm and loving heart can finally turn to cold indifference

By David McElroy · April 9, 2018

One of the greatest mysteries of life is why the heart wants what it wants.

If we were truly rational creatures, romantic love wouldn’t exist, because there’s nothing rational about it. It comes when it wants. It sometimes stays when it’s no longer welcome. Love is hard to kill — like a stubborn weed. It can stick around and make us feel crazy because of the intensity of the need and the longing.

But when the heart is finally finished with someone, the last of the flame dies. It’s no longer love or hate or desire or anger. All that remains is cold indifference.

What makes a heart decide to love one person above all? What causes the heart to stubbornly stick with that obsession when it makes no sense? And what causes the fever to break? What causes love to die?

I’ve been in love five times in my life and each one has been very different. In each case, I didn’t think the love could possibly die. Especially with earlier loves, they were immature forms that probably weren’t destined to last. At least one was with someone who was seriously dysfunctional. (When I heard from that one after awhile of silence, a psychologist said to me, “Burn it!” She rarely expressed her recommendations so strongly.)

As I’ve gotten older and have a greater understanding of what I want and what I need, my heart has been quick to know what it wanted. And it’s been right. I’ve fallen in love quickly — and the end of that sort of love has been very slow and very painful. When my heart found what it needed, I was willing to sacrifice almost anything.

But even deep love and desperate need eventually die if the heart doesn’t get what it wants. And then the fever breaks and the obsession fades. The rational part of my brain then has more influence — and it whispers ever more loudly, “How could you possibly want someone who treated you like that?”

Eventually, even the heart has no answer for that question. The warm and fierce need fades. The ground splits between the heart and its loved one. The distance grows. And then, all that’s left is indifference.

I can look at my past relationships and see them more clearly now. I’m thankful I didn’t end up with some of the women. I’m thankful I didn’t have children with some. I’m thankful that I escaped certain types of dysfunction.

But I see the good along with the bad. In each of the women I’ve loved, I see the characteristics that attracted me and I know why I was so attracted to them. Even so, I can’t say what made my heart point to one among a group of attractive and intelligent women and say, “That one. She’s the one.”

When the obsession has faded and I can look at them soberly, I know what would have been best for me. Even removing the powerful need, I know which one would have worked. At least I think so. And I mourn the loving family which could have been mine.

When love ends, it’s easy to think, “You lost,” either about yourself or someone else. But the truth is that every time a mutual love dies, both people lose. No real love can be replaced. Its death means a permanent emotional and spiritual loss for both people.

What does my heart want now?

It wants what it’s always wanted. My heart wants a beautiful and brilliant woman who happens to adore me and who wants to build a partnership — and a family — with me. The rational part of me could list all the specific things which make me fall for her. The list is long and it’s predictable for me.

But the truth is that I never know what I want until I see it. It’s not just a beautiful face, of course. There’s just something intangible in a woman that my rational side can’t see. When that happens, I have no power to stop it.

Before I know it, my heart will again sense that intangible thing it needs in someone and it will say, “I want that one. I will do anything to win her heart.”

And once again, I will take a gamble on love, hoping this time that it’s returned and nurtured for good — that this will be the time when it will never make the slow and painful fade to indifference.

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Here’s the latest of my ridiculous parody shorts. It crossed my mind Tuesday to wonder what a slick and fast-talking car dealer might do right now to try to turn the high price of gasoline to his advantage. So I conceived of a fat and lovable character who tried to sell cars that don’t use any fuel — and then I started wondering if it would be funnier if all the characters were felines. Designing the King Cashpaw character took about four hours, but the rest took only another four hours, so this was a relatively quick piece that virtually wrote itself. I know it’s almost impossible for these parody videos to find a larger audience, but at least they amuse me — and there are 19 of them on my YouTube page now. The first few were very limited, but they’re getting more complex.

The Republican Party is dead. It still exists in name, of course, but it’s nothing but a shell. All that’s left are idiots and stooges and con men of the MAGA party. When Donald Trump is gone — which won’t be long — those populist idiots and pragmatic fools will have no one to follow. Democrats will thrive. They will take more power than ever and they will push the federal government further to the radical far left than ever. When that happens, don’t just blame Trump if you’re a conservative. Blame every person who has claimed to be a conservative and has given up on principles, character and everything else that Republicans once claimed to stand for. As someone who worked as a GOP political consultant for many years, this is disgusting and disturbing to me. Those who have enabled Trump to have almost unchecked power are going to be shocked when they see what they will unleash in the long run. It’s been plain all along what this narcissistic con man is. It’s your fault that you chose to pretend not to see what he really is.

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I’ve been making some changes to the site lately and there are more changes coming in the days ahead, so don’t be surprised if you some small differences. This is not a wholesale redesign, but rather the addition of some features. Since they’re smarter than I am, I’ve put Oliver and Alex in charge of the technical work, which you can see in this action photo from the control room of our media complex. I recently added a series of landing pages for readers who randomly discover the site from an Internet search. I’ve also changed the YouTube link at the top of the page to go to the new YouTube channel for video essays that reflect things I’ve already published here. (Here’s a little bit about both of the YouTube channels I’m working on.) In addition, I’m trying to move away from using Instagram, so I’m experimenting with photo plug-ins that will eventually allow me to host the pictures — cats, dogs, sunsets, whatever — that I often take. So don’t be surprised to see more changes. Thanks for your patience. Let’s hope Alex and Oliver know what they’re doing.

I have no use for the theocratic and repressive government of Iran. The people who run the country are cruel at best and evil at worst. The Iranian people deserve freedom. But I have no personal quarrel with anybody in Iran. While I’m not thrilled about a future Iranian government having nuclear weapons, I’m just as concerned about nukes in the hands of politicians in Israel, Pakistan, India, China and Russia. I’m not even thrilled with the U.S., Britain and France having them, either, because I don’t trust any politicians to be responsible with such terrible weapons. All I can say with certainty is that American taxpayers have no business attacking Iran, especially since we’re being forced to pay for this attack in order to benefit the politicians of Israel — and nobody else. If Middle Eastern countries want to fight among themselves, that’s none of my business. It’s not the business of the U.S. government, either. I have no quarrel with anybody in Iran — and having the government which claims to represent me launch an unprovoked attack against a sovereign country will only make all Americans less safe in the near future. This attack is poorly conceived and morally unjustified. Remember that when the Iranians launch attacks that we will then condemn as “terrorism.” What the U.S. is doing right now looks like terrorism to me. And let’s not forget that the attack is the latest in a long line of unconstitutional wars by various U.S. presidents — who have no legal power to declare war on their own, according to the U.S. Constitution.

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