Pursuing conscious life is harder than sleepwalking through a life

By David McElroy · April 11, 2018

In the 16th century, European magicians believed they could achieve Enlightenment through secret rituals. As the last stage of the journey, they believed they had cross a spiritual abyss where a demon named Choronzon lived.

These ancient mystics believed they had to cross the abyss of nothingness to get to Enlightenment — and Choronzon was the only thing remaining to stop them.

The demon’s goal is to trap the traveler in a meaningless world of illusion. He shows the seeker all sorts of things designed to appeal to his lusts and desires. Everything he shows them appears real but it’s all illusion. If the traveler gets caught in this meaningless world of illusion, he will never cross the abyss. He will never find the Enlightenment which will give his life meaning.

We all walk through such an abyss. Almost all of us are distracted by the meaningless illusions there. About 20 years ago, I was lucky enough to wake up from my illusions and start stumbling on a path toward the truth. It never would have happened except for a benign tumor.

For a long time — more than 10 years — something had changed in me and I didn’t know what it was. Sometime during college, my personality started changing. I lost interest in pursuing the things which had once seemed so important to me. It’s hard to explain at this point, but I somehow lost myself.

Over time, I accepted doing things the way everybody else does them. That’s vague, but I don’t know how to explain it. I started becoming a cog in the world’s systems. I ended up as a newspaper publisher for a company I hated — a company with values very different from my own — and then things got even worse when I became a political consultant.

I made a lot of money in politics, but I was just a meaningless cog is a very evil system. For a long time, I just accepted that this is how things work. I had ceased trying to make the world a better place — or make myself a better person — and had just joined the pursuit of success and money.

Then I found out that I had a tiny benign tumor on my pituitary gland. There was nothing life-threatening about it. All it did was slightly alter my hormonal system. It produced extra prolactin and suppressed full testosterone production. That tiny chemical difference had changed me.

Once I started taking medication to fix the problem, things changed rapidly. I felt more like the person I had formerly been. As I struggled to explain the change, I told others at the time that it felt as though I had been passively sleepwalking for years.

I had suddenly been able to wake up — and I recognized the life I had pursued as the illusion it was.

Things didn’t change overnight for me. It took me time to recognize which parts of the illusion of modern life I needed to give up. It took me years to complete the transition, but I started moving away from politics, because I realized how evil and meaningless the system was. I started questioning all that I’d been taught, slowly at first and finally in big ways.

As I started changing — and finding meaning in deeper ways than before — I started seeing the horrors of the “normal” modern life. I realized more and more how that life seemed meaningless — how it seemed to hold out the hope of fulfillment and love, but the things that life offered never quite delivered what they promised. The fulfillment was empty; the love was faux love.

I realized there was a tremendous difference between living a conscious life and merely stumbling through existence following paths that other people laid down — paths that led to meaningless achievement or success or milestones. I realized that almost everybody around was was merely existing — not consciously living — by my new standards.

I feel as though I’ve awakened to the realization that a demon such as Choronzon is willing to show me — or anybody — a life that looks as though it must be good enough. But I feel as though most people are still sleepwalking. They still don’t know it’s the demon creating illusions to distract them, so they chase those illusions. I recognize the demon for what he is — and the illusions for what they are — but I still have to keep reminding myself to look away from them.

I keep reminding myself to look toward the Enlightenment and meaning I seek.

It’s easy to chase the illusions. That’s what everyone else is doing, so it seems as though seeking such pleasures and success and reward must be right. It’s the easy path. It’s the path of least resistance.

The path I’ve been on is difficult and confusing, especially when you’re alone. There’s no guarantee that I can even escape the demon’s illusions and make my way through the abyss to find what I seek.

So here’s the question. Was I better off being like other people — pursuing illusions — or am I better off knowing that they’re illusion as I fight to get to something more meaningful?

I believe it’s a better choice to take the risk of seeking meaning rather than staying on the world’s path. I might be wrong, though. Maybe living with those illusions and never seeking something more is easier. If that’s your choice, I can’t criticize you. All I know is that once you see a little bit of truth, chasing the illusions is no longer an option.

When I experienced my hormonal changes years ago, it was exhilarating. I felt as though I had been given a gift. I was granted something most people never get. I had a sudden and radical change which allowed me to see what I’d been doing by following the world. I had the dramatic experience of knowing I had been sleepwalking.

Pursuing a conscious life — by my definitions, anyway — is very difficult. To use the language of the Apostle Paul, I’m still working out my salvation, at least in the sense of being saved from the meaninglessness of this world.

I know I’m not yet where I need to be. I don’t know exactly how I’m going to get there. I don’t know if I’ll be getting there alone or is someone else will be coming with me.

I just know I’m closer than where I was when I was sleepwalking. I know I’m slowly working it out day by day. And I know I need someone who has awakened from the sleepwalking illusions of the world and wants to walk this difficult path with me.

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I’m seeing a lot of simplistic and dishonest explanations right now for the current rioting in France. Those on the populist far right claim it’s all about Muslim immigrants to France disrupting the culture. Their message is that this sort of thing is going to happen in the U.S. unless “we defend the border.” On the far left, socialists and their fellow travelers claim the riots are all about wealthy people in France not paying enough taxes, resulting in cuts to government services. The truth is far more complicated, but it’s rooted in the decline of population growth in Europe. There simply aren’t enough young workers paying into the tax system anymore, so cuts in social services were inevitable. There is genuine cultural tension as more and more people immigrate from other countries, but government cuts to education and other services are even more important to what’s happening. The situation is complicated, so don’t let dishonest people with U.S. political agendas tell you that it happens to support whatever they were already promoting for partisan reasons.

Here’s another reason to appreciate the cats in your life: New research involving 93 countries found that places with more cats per person also tended to have happier people. The researchers say the finding fits with previous evidence that living with pets can reduce loneliness and stress while providing companionship, emotional attachment and social support. The study doesn’t prove that cats cause greater happiness, but it certainly adds to the evidence that sharing your home — and your life — with a cat might be good for you.

The company that owns Facebook and Instagram is heavily promoting its new AI-based software assistant called Muse, but people who are using it as it was designed are incredibly foolish. An early adopter of the software discovered that a few days ago when he advertised an item for sale on Facebook Marketplace — and he inadvertently gave Muse full authority to act on his behalf. The software agreed to a lowball offer made by another Facebook user and then gave that man the home address of the man for whom he was an agent. The software told the buyer that the seller was home and waiting for him. When the buyer showed up and waited angrily, the would-be buyer left an angry review for the man. And this angry man had the seller’s home address. It was only well after that that the software reported what it had done and admitted it had made a mistake. I won’t be putting that much power into the hands of any software. I think anyone who agrees to such terms is a fool. And the software’s user agreement says you’re responsible for purchases the software makes in your name. Nope.

Meet my new girlfriend. Her name is Meg. And she’s my little sweetheart. A couple of months ago, a neighbor across the street told me about a new stray in the neighborhood that she and I were both soon feeding. The cat had been very skittish about contact and she had a lot of scabs and parasites in her fur, but a trip to the vet last week revealed that she was otherwise in good health. The vet estimates her to be 1 to 2 years old. I named her for Meg Murry, the 13-year-old protagonist of Madeleine L’Engle’s wonderful book, “A Wrinkle in Time.” (Please read the book. Don’t watch the horrible movie.) Since we lost Lucy almost a year ago, it seems appropriate that we finally have a new little girl to join the household. She’s already captured my heart, but Alex, Oliver and Sam aren’t there quite yet.

There’s nothing socially acceptable that’s as dangerous as drinking alcohol. Most people grow up being told to “drink responsibly” — and all of us see people abusing this drug in one way or another — but the truth is that drinking alcohol is always a terrible risk. The alcohol in these drinks is toxic and the human liver has to work hard to filter the toxins out. What most people don’t realize is that alcohol is classified as a known carcinogen by the World Health Organization — because of the well-established connection between imbibing and various cancers. Many people have taken refuge behind the idea that light or moderate drinking might be safe, but a new study shows that drinking even one drink a day increases the risks of 10 types of cancer. When I was a teen-ager, I looked around and saw the negative effects that this behavior had on a lot of people and decided not to start drinking, so I’ve never even tried this poison. The evidence keeps piling up that I was lucky to have come to that conclusion early.

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