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David McElroy

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Pursuing conscious life is harder than sleepwalking through a life

By David McElroy · April 11, 2018

In the 16th century, European magicians believed they could achieve Enlightenment through secret rituals. As the last stage of the journey, they believed they had cross a spiritual abyss where a demon named Choronzon lived.

These ancient mystics believed they had to cross the abyss of nothingness to get to Enlightenment — and Choronzon was the only thing remaining to stop them.

The demon’s goal is to trap the traveler in a meaningless world of illusion. He shows the seeker all sorts of things designed to appeal to his lusts and desires. Everything he shows them appears real but it’s all illusion. If the traveler gets caught in this meaningless world of illusion, he will never cross the abyss. He will never find the Enlightenment which will give his life meaning.

We all walk through such an abyss. Almost all of us are distracted by the meaningless illusions there. About 20 years ago, I was lucky enough to wake up from my illusions and start stumbling on a path toward the truth. It never would have happened except for a benign tumor.

For a long time — more than 10 years — something had changed in me and I didn’t know what it was. Sometime during college, my personality started changing. I lost interest in pursuing the things which had once seemed so important to me. It’s hard to explain at this point, but I somehow lost myself.

Over time, I accepted doing things the way everybody else does them. That’s vague, but I don’t know how to explain it. I started becoming a cog in the world’s systems. I ended up as a newspaper publisher for a company I hated — a company with values very different from my own — and then things got even worse when I became a political consultant.

I made a lot of money in politics, but I was just a meaningless cog is a very evil system. For a long time, I just accepted that this is how things work. I had ceased trying to make the world a better place — or make myself a better person — and had just joined the pursuit of success and money.

Then I found out that I had a tiny benign tumor on my pituitary gland. There was nothing life-threatening about it. All it did was slightly alter my hormonal system. It produced extra prolactin and suppressed full testosterone production. That tiny chemical difference had changed me.

Once I started taking medication to fix the problem, things changed rapidly. I felt more like the person I had formerly been. As I struggled to explain the change, I told others at the time that it felt as though I had been passively sleepwalking for years.

I had suddenly been able to wake up — and I recognized the life I had pursued as the illusion it was.

Things didn’t change overnight for me. It took me time to recognize which parts of the illusion of modern life I needed to give up. It took me years to complete the transition, but I started moving away from politics, because I realized how evil and meaningless the system was. I started questioning all that I’d been taught, slowly at first and finally in big ways.

As I started changing — and finding meaning in deeper ways than before — I started seeing the horrors of the “normal” modern life. I realized more and more how that life seemed meaningless — how it seemed to hold out the hope of fulfillment and love, but the things that life offered never quite delivered what they promised. The fulfillment was empty; the love was faux love.

I realized there was a tremendous difference between living a conscious life and merely stumbling through existence following paths that other people laid down — paths that led to meaningless achievement or success or milestones. I realized that almost everybody around was was merely existing — not consciously living — by my new standards.

I feel as though I’ve awakened to the realization that a demon such as Choronzon is willing to show me — or anybody — a life that looks as though it must be good enough. But I feel as though most people are still sleepwalking. They still don’t know it’s the demon creating illusions to distract them, so they chase those illusions. I recognize the demon for what he is — and the illusions for what they are — but I still have to keep reminding myself to look away from them.

I keep reminding myself to look toward the Enlightenment and meaning I seek.

It’s easy to chase the illusions. That’s what everyone else is doing, so it seems as though seeking such pleasures and success and reward must be right. It’s the easy path. It’s the path of least resistance.

The path I’ve been on is difficult and confusing, especially when you’re alone. There’s no guarantee that I can even escape the demon’s illusions and make my way through the abyss to find what I seek.

So here’s the question. Was I better off being like other people — pursuing illusions — or am I better off knowing that they’re illusion as I fight to get to something more meaningful?

I believe it’s a better choice to take the risk of seeking meaning rather than staying on the world’s path. I might be wrong, though. Maybe living with those illusions and never seeking something more is easier. If that’s your choice, I can’t criticize you. All I know is that once you see a little bit of truth, chasing the illusions is no longer an option.

When I experienced my hormonal changes years ago, it was exhilarating. I felt as though I had been given a gift. I was granted something most people never get. I had a sudden and radical change which allowed me to see what I’d been doing by following the world. I had the dramatic experience of knowing I had been sleepwalking.

Pursuing a conscious life — by my definitions, anyway — is very difficult. To use the language of the Apostle Paul, I’m still working out my salvation, at least in the sense of being saved from the meaninglessness of this world.

I know I’m not yet where I need to be. I don’t know exactly how I’m going to get there. I don’t know if I’ll be getting there alone or is someone else will be coming with me.

I just know I’m closer than where I was when I was sleepwalking. I know I’m slowly working it out day by day. And I know I need someone who has awakened from the sleepwalking illusions of the world and wants to walk this difficult path with me.

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This was the view just after sunset Tuesday evenin This was the view just after sunset Tuesday evening near my house. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
At sunset Tuesday evening, the cloud cover over me At sunset Tuesday evening, the cloud cover over me was solidly gray and black, but one tiny break in the clouds appeared just for a few minutes to show a little bit of sunset’s colorful light. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I just remembered that I caught the sun just befor I just remembered that I caught the sun just before it slipped beneath the horizon Tuesday evening. This is near my house just east of Birmingham. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
This was another experiment with a moon photo — This was another experiment with a moon photo — with my iPhone — but I allowed the moon to be overexposed in order to get the clouds in the foreground to show up. I’d really like to figure out how pros do shots of this sort. I don’t have it even close to right. #nature #naturephotography #sky #clouds #moon #iphone14
This is the sunset I just watched right after dinn This is the sunset I just watched right after dinner. It was one of the most vibrantly colorful displays I’ve seen in weeks. It was really beautiful. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I don’t have the right lens to photograph the mo I don’t have the right lens to photograph the moon properly, but there are some nights when I try anyway. The longest lens I have goes to 240mm, which means I have to enlarge a tiny part of the frame way too much. But even if I had the right lens, I’m not sure I’ve figured out how to expose the moon decently while still showing some stars around it. Tonight’s attempt has given me a grainy moon and pinpricks of stars that become invisible when viewed at normal size. (Blow this up with your fingers in the app and you can see the tiny stars.) I really want to learn how to do this better, so if anyone has tips for me, I’d be happy to hear them. #nature #naturephotography #sky #moon
It’s been really hot in Birmingham today, so I’ve been thinking about how much I’m looking forward to fall. My iPhone must’ve been reading my mind, because it just showed this photo from November 2016 to me as a featured photo from my library. I remember this day well. It was in Trussville, which is just east of Birmingham. #nature #naturephotography #colorful #autumn #autumnleaves #birmingham #alabama
I just remembered this sunset photo that I took th I just remembered this sunset photo that I took this evening when I had stopped to get gasoline on I-20 just east of Birmingham. I was pumping gas when I suddenly realized the sky had erupted with bright pastel colors. I didn’t have time to get my “real” camera, so I just quickly shot two frames with my iPhone at the edge of the parking lot. It keeps surprising me just how good cameras on our smartphones have become. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
We had dark and stormy skies all day in Birmingham We had dark and stormy skies all day in Birmingham, but there was a little bit of light that was finally able to poke through the darkness right at sunset along U.S. 411 just east of Birmingham. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
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Lucy is doing her Neighborhood Watch duties about Lucy is doing her Neighborhood Watch duties about half a mile from home late Friday night. No matter how many times we do this, the sounds of the night always fascinate her. Watch the way her ears are constantly adjusting to pick up on something else. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
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Alex seems to have regained his composure by late Alex seems to have regained his composure by late Thursday night. I don’t know what he might or might not feel about Thomas’s death, but his behavior seems to be returning to what is normal for him. He still wants to be very close to me, but that has always been a key feature of his personality. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
For “throwback Thursday,” I think it’s appro For “throwback Thursday,” I think it’s appropriate to go back to 2011 for the first photo I was ever able to get with Thomas. He was still living outside my house and I was feeding him on the porch. It took me quite awhile to get him to let me hold him long enough for this brief photo, but he clawed his way out of my arms very quickly. This was the very first photo that I used when I was still trying to find a home for him in October 2011 — before I took him inside to stay soon afterward. #tbt #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
I just got home for the evening and laid down on t I just got home for the evening and laid down on the bed, not realizing how quickly Alex would be lying on my chest purring. I think he’s happy that I’m home. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Alex still looks like a man who just lost his best Alex still looks like a man who just lost his best friend today, but he’s a lot closer to acting like his normal self than he was last night. I wish we could know how a cat or dog goes about processing the loss of a companion. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
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Alex still seems confused tonight, but he finally Alex still seems confused tonight, but he finally ate a little bit of food. I know that he’ll be back to his normal self pretty quickly, but it really does seem as though Thomas’s death this afternoon has left him perplexed. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
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On a live awards show Sunday night, one man made a joke about a female celebrity. The husband of the celebrity was offended and hit the man who made the joke. Or maybe it was staged for entertainment. Who knows? Who cares? Social media is full of discussion — and even arguments — about this idiocy today. This baffles me. Let’s assume for a moment that the event happened as reported. People have been having such idiotic fights ever since there have been humans. Half the bars in the world see such brief dustups regularly. It simply doesn’t matter. The fact that so many people believe they need to talk about this — or even need to have opinions about it — is more evidence of the bizarre media brainwashing that convinces many to care passionately about brain-dead trivia. Your life will be happier and saner if you focus on yourself, your family and your friends, not on whatever scripted (or spontaneous) bilge that the media wants to pipe into your home.

I’m in the middle of migrating this website to new servers this week. This means you might encounter some unexpected behavior until I get all the bugs worked out. Clicking on my links (including this one) might cause your browser to give you the message that it’s a site without a current security certificate. It’s not actually unsafe, but there’s something which isn’t yet set up for the security certificate. I apologize for any such errors you might encounter while the process is going on. If you notice any problems with content which didn’t migrate properly, I would appreciate you letting me know the details at davidmcelroy@mac.com. Thanks for your patience.

I often wonder what animals think when they look at us and consider the society we’ve created. Yes, I know this is fanciful and unrealistic, but what if they could? Would they be astounded at how we treat each other? Would they be disgusted by the ugliness and pettiness which fill so many of our daily interactions? The truth is that I’m feeling pretty disgusted with humanity tonight. I made the mistake of reading some online interactions that I should have avoided — and it sickened me. The people involved appeared to be vile and stupid and arrogant. I wish I could pretend they’re a tiny minority, but I know better. It’s times such as this when I most need to escape much of “civilization” and disconnect from their world. If humans are going to be worthy of “ruling this planet,” we have a lot of growth to do. And I fear that growth is nowhere in sight. So my buddy Thomas, above, and all of his friends would be right to judge us harshly — and to think, “Why do you folks get to be in charge?”

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Have you ever had what you thought was a new idea — and then discovered that “old you” had the same idea years ago? I had that experience tonight. And it’s been wonderful. I came up with an idea tonight for a very short satirical film that would be a promotion for a fictitious college. The point is to make the college promote — as good things — everything which is actually terrible about most modern colleges. Then I remembered a fake college that I invented back when I was in college. I had created student recruitment brochures and various newsletters back then, so I decided to call my “new” college by the same name I’d invented years ago: Ochita College. As I searched my computer for any old material I might still have about Ochita from the past, I discovered an email I sent to someone in 2009 — outlining essentially the same idea which I came up with tonight. Since I didn’t remember writing that, it felt like magic. So my next film project just might be this one instead. If all goes well, you might soon see “Ochita College: Your Future Starts Here.” This should be fun.

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