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David McElroy

An Alien Sent to Observe the Human Race

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Will you uncover your blind spots? Or will you ignore red flags again?

By David McElroy · July 4, 2018

Human beings tend to make the same mistakes — over and over again — but we can be incredibly slow to recognize what we’re doing to ourselves.

I used to ignore red flags in relationships, at least until it was too late for me to deal with them gracefully. As a result, I made the same sort of mistakes again and again — and I was too blind to realize what I was doing for a very long time.

It’s very rare for me to fall in love. I can count the instances of long-lasting romantic love in my life on one hand — and probably have fingers left over. But when I recognize what I want, it’s easy for me to become blind to a woman’s faults. It’s easy for me to make excuses for her. It’s easy for me to assume her tremendous strengths will eventually overcome the scary weaknesses that lie hidden inside her.

As a result, I’ve put a few women on pedestals — only to find that real flesh-and-blood human beings don’t belong on pedestals — because they’ve disappointed me with weaknesses which I didn’t anticipate. I ignored red flags — because I was oblivious to my blind spots.

About 10 years ago, my blind spots led me to confuse myself. After I backed out of marrying a woman and ended the relationship, I later changed my mind after it was too late. I had no idea why I’d behaved in such a contradictory way, so I spent the next year in therapy with a very good psychologist.

I learned that I’m afraid I’m going to be abandoned by a woman I love. I learned to understand that in the context of the loss of my mother early in my childhood. And I learned that I was pushing away love instead of accepting it.

I learned that I was terrified of receiving the thing which I needed most.

From that experience — and from a year of counseling — I learned two important lessons which I’ll mention here.

First, I learned that the sort of woman I will fall in love with is horribly flawed. Every single time. That’s because I fall in love only with a very specific type of amazing woman whose brilliant qualities can make it seem difficult to notice her flaws. It’s easy to become awed with love and adoration for someone and ignore the very ugly parts underneath.

I learned to see the ugly parts from the beginning — and to decide what can change and what can’t. I met a woman a few years ago who filled a lot of the positive things which I need, but I wasn’t blind to her red flags. I realized she had characteristics that would be fatal flaws in a relationship with me, so I never pursued her. Everything I saw afterward confirmed that I’d been right.

Second, I learned not to run away when the right woman offers me what I need. There has been a part of me in the past which feared I didn’t deserve the sort of woman I want, which had something to do with running away when she wanted me. I determined not to give up on someone unless I’d given her every opportunity — and not to run away when she offered me a chance which scared me.

We all need counseling, for one reason or another.

In our society, we tend to see counseling as something we do to fix an immediate problem or a flaw. In reality, counseling — with the right therapist, which is hard to find — can help you to make a good life something far greater than you dreamed of.

If you were in a serious romantic relationship with someone and that person were unwilling to do counseling with you — just to look at potential problems and make sure the two of you are on the same page — that person is probably afraid of himself or herself. Every relationship I’ve ever been in would’ve been better with counseling. I wish I had known this in the past.

Do you keep making the same mistakes? Have you chosen romantic partners who can’t possibly give you what you need? Are you playing out unconscious patterns from childhood? Are you acting out expectations, either of what you fear you deserve or what someone else thinks is right for you?

We all have our blind spots. We’re far better off if we learn what they are and learn how to compensate, because our blind spots are forcing us to ignore the red flags in life which are bringing us back again and again to the same mistakes.

Most people never have the courage to learn the truth about themselves and make changes. Most keep thinking that if they’ll become a little more successful or make a little more money, they will finally feel loved and appreciated and understood.

That’s because they’re lying to themselves. It’s easier — in the short run — than getting honest with yourself and making a change. In the long run, though, it’s going to cost you everything. It’s going to leave you empty and unhappy when you finally have to slow down and feel the things you hide from yourself.

Do you want to see your blind spots and make a change or would you prefer to just keep repeating the same old pattern?

If you like what your decisions have given you in life, keep doing what you’re doing. But if you’re like most of us — full of regret about wrong decisions and missed opportunities — maybe it’s time for some serious change.

I made some scary emotional changes 10 years ago — and it’s made all the difference in the world.

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Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: blind spots, counseling, love, psychology, red flags, relationships

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I got a note today from a woman who lives on the other side of the country and has a young son: “[Young son] says that we should meet you sometime. He just said of your profile picture that he likes your face. I have shared photos and videos of Lucy and the cats since he was really little.” This made me profoundly happy. I trust the intuitive judgment of children about people. Little ones tend to read character very well. Adults are easy to fool, but it’s much harder to fool children about who you really are. I hope I do get to meet this young man and his mom one day.

I’m in the McDonald’s near my house, sitting near the play area. There’s one little girl — maybe 5 years old — who’s here with her father. He’s about my age, so he’s older than the typical father of a 5-year-old. Even though she’s the only kid here, the girl is giggling and having fun by herself. She periodically cries out, “Daddy, look!” And then she shows off something she thinks is impressive. Then, just a moment ago, she called out very sweetly, “Daddy?” He patiently said, “Yes, sweetheart.” And then she said, “Daddy, I love you so much!” And then she went back to playing as her father looked on with happiness and love.

When I first discovered the idea of unschooling, it was so radical that I had trouble finding people who even knew what it was. Today, the idea is mainstream enough that major media outlets sometimes cover the topic in a favorable way. The Sunday newspaper supplement called Parade had a strongly favorable article about unschooling a couple of weeks ago which explained what it is and how it’s different from homeschooling. It’s less structured. There’s no curriculum. There’s plenty of flexibility. And there are no tests and grades. (Most people today are shocked to learn that testing and grading didn’t exist in schools through history until the last couple hundred years.) If you want your children to think for themselves instead of following the herd mentality that pervades every school I’ve been part of, you owe it to yourself — and to your kids — to consider taking control of your children’s development back from governments. Just because you and I survived institutional schools doesn’t mean it’s the wisest choice. Start by reading the Parade article. It might open your eyes.

In the Birmingham suburb of Hueytown, the Golden Gophers of Hueytown High School had just defeated the Eufala Tigers in the second round of the state playoffs Friday night. It’s not a game that will mean a lot to anybody outside those two communities, but it meant everything to the players and coaches involved. After the game, Hueytown defensive coordinator Trent Campbell was celebrating with his victorious players when he noticed Eufala offensive lineman Dallas Ingram distraught and alone. Campbell left his players to console the distraught Ingram and photographer Dennis Victory caught photos of the pair together. “My reaction was to go see about him, because I’ll see my guys on Sunday and next week and the rest of their high school careers, but that’s a young man we watched on film for a week and studied and he’s a fantastic player,” Campbell said later. “And it wasn’t too long ago when I played my last high school football game and I know what that feeling is and you sort of never forget that. I went to tell him what a great player I thought he was and what a great game I thought they played and I wish nobody had to lose that night because it was an incredible game.” This is what sports at the high school level should be about. Winning is great and winning is fun. But humanity and decency last longer.

I have changed radically about some things over the years, but probably none of those changes have been as great as the ways that I feel about people who are viewed as evil or criminal. When I was young, I was eager to see criminals or foreign political enemies killed. Today, I don’t view such people though rose-colored glasses and I don’t view them as blameless folks who are going to turn their lives around if we just think happy thoughts. But I can’t celebrate the death of anybody, even if he might deserve it in some ways of thinking about it. Even if it’s sometimes necessary to kill someone — and those cases are often debatable — I regret the death of someone who will now never have a chance to discover love and change his life. There are some evil people in this world, but I can’t celebrate their deaths.

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