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David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

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I haven’t learned to stop walking on eggshells around angry people

By David McElroy · July 19, 2018

As soon as I walked into his office today, I could tell that this normally happy person was in a foul mood. He was snappy and there was something in the air that felt dangerous to me.

I could feel my heart start racing slightly. I felt mild panic. This guy wasn’t angry with me. His dark mood had nothing to do with me. But I immediately shifted gears inside. Instead of a confident adult dealing with another adult, I felt like a child who needed to placate an angry person — so I wouldn’t “get in trouble.”

I was walking on eggshells once again.

I was there less than half an hour, but I spent the entire time trying to break through his bad mood and cheer him up. It wasn’t just that I was trying to help him. I was playing the role I learned with my father. I was desperately trying to stem the anger of a volatile man — before he exploded on me.

When you grow up with an angry parent, you develop a sixth sense about how to act to protect yourself. That was my experience anyway. I didn’t consciously decide to do this. It was just a survival skill for me, so it took me years to realize other people didn’t develop that sense in the same was I did.

It’s been three months since my father died. I sometimes forget that he’s dead and I briefly worry that he’s going to come to my house again or show up at work to confront me. I still dream about confrontations with him and wake up relieved to realize he’s dead.

But even though he’s gone, the patterns he taught me are still there. Some will probably always be with me. For instance, I’ll probably always get nervous around confrontation — constantly afraid that an authority figure is going to scream at me or hurt me.

But in one small way, I realized this week that his death has brought a small sense of relief about a long-running sense of guilt I’ve had — about doing anything well or about being recognized for some success.

All my life, I’ve wanted attention. Needed attention. I was starved for attention.

That might sound awful, but I think the truth is that I desperately needed someone to give me praise and validation. Mother wasn’t around and my father’s validation always came with “terms and conditions.” His approval was always conditional.

Whenever I did something that got attention for myself — at school, at church, at work, whatever — I felt guilty. I felt guilty for being successful and having people give me praise. I never understood until recently why I felt that way.

I felt guilty because my father was jealous of the attention I got. When it happened, he tried hard to inject himself into the conversation. “I taught him everything he knows,” was one of his common phrases. He would have said it was a joke — and there was certainly no truth to his joke — but he was jealous of the praise I got. I still don’t understand that.

He didn’t like attention, at least that’s what he said. He didn’t act as though he was seeking attention. But he wanted praise. He wanted adoration. He wanted to be told he was great.

He was jealous of the attention his only son got.

I wanted to enjoy the praise and accolades I received, but I was always on edge — always watching for his reaction, always hoping he would be genuinely proud of me instead of taking the attention for himself.

I just realized this week that I don’t feel guilty anymore. He’s not here to be jealous. He can no longer cause those horrible mixed feelings anymore. And that’s a relief.

The little boy in me needed attention, but that little boy also wanted to please his father. I wanted to make him proud of me — but I knew his words didn’t match the feelings he projected toward me.

Maybe now I can finally accept attention and praise without feeling that I’m doing something wrong — and maybe that will finally help to satisfy the long unmet needs.

When I did things in life that I was proud of, I wanted his praise. I knew I wouldn’t get it the way I wanted. I knew anything positive he said in front of others would be offset by private criticism — about how I could have done better if I’d done things his way.

I still need someone to be proud of me. Is that terrible? I don’t think so. I think we all need someone to recognize our work and our achievements — and give us praise.

When I love a woman, I’m incredibly proud of her and want to give her praise and let other people know how wonderful I think she is. That’s part of loving someone, at least to me. I’d like the same from a woman. I’d like someone to be proud of me and tell me I’ve done well.

I’ll never be able to change the fact I could never be good enough for him. I might never be able to change the fact that I walk on eggshells around certain angry and dysfunctional people.

But I think I can finally accept genuine praise and find happiness in the success I want — without feeling guilty for taking the spotlight from him.

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Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: father, narcissism, parenting, psychology

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I didn’t have time to stop and I didn’t have m I didn’t have time to stop and I didn’t have my “real” camera with me anyway, but this is what my iPhone was able to get just a few minutes before sunset as I drove west on I-20 just east of Birmingham about an hour ago. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
This was the Birmingham sunset at about 8 p.m. Fri This was the Birmingham sunset at about 8 p.m. Friday. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I was in the back yard with my dog at 5:30 a.m. an I was in the back yard with my dog at 5:30 a.m. and it suddenly started getting beautifully pink and magenta in the sky beyond the trees. I didn’t have time to go get my “real” camera, but this is what my iPhone caught of the lovely little display around us. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunrise #birmingham #alabama
I tried to get Alex to pose for a portrait in the I tried to get Alex to pose for a portrait in the studio tonight, but I never figured out a way to get him to look at the camera. He was fascinated by the studio, though, and he purred the whole time. This was the place where I took the first photos of him on the night I captured him when he was a feral kitten. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
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This was the Friday evening sunset near my house a This was the Friday evening sunset near my house about half an hour ago. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
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This is the first time in hours that Sam has opene This is the first time in hours that Sam has opened his sleepy eyes Friday afternoon. He was still curled up in his favorite bed when I left the house. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #blackcat #blackcats #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Oliver is snoozing on the castle earlier than usua Oliver is snoozing on the castle earlier than usual Thursday night. He looks as though he’s already ready for bed. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
For “throwback Thursday,” here’s the lovely For “throwback Thursday,” here’s the lovely Charlotte from nine years ago. Charlotte was one of Molly’s kittens and she was one of the most beautiful and unusual cats I’ve ever been around. I lost her only about a month after this photo was taken, even though she was only 7 years old. I’ll never know what was going on the genes of that entire feline family, but none of them lived long lives — and the vet couldn’t pinpoint the cause for any of them. I always loved Charlotte’s beautiful green eyes against that striking dark gold fur. I don’t think I’ve ever seen precisely that color on a cat. #tbt #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Oliver and Alex were waiting for me in an office w Oliver and Alex were waiting for me in an office window when I arrived home just now. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
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From the CritterCam: The birds outside this office From the CritterCam: The birds outside this office window are lucky that Alex can’t get to the other side of the glass Tuesday morning or else this would be the last day of their little lives. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Alex relaxes on the castle just after midnight aft Alex relaxes on the castle just after midnight after a long and busy day. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
From the CritterCam: I’ll bet Sam is having more From the CritterCam: I’ll bet Sam is having more fun watching the neighborhood at home than I’m having showing houses an hour away. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #blackcat #blackcats #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
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