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David McElroy

An Alien Sent to Observe the Human Race

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How do we start over and give ourselves parenting we needed?

By David McElroy · September 18, 2019

As I looked down the long aisles of the grocery store, I felt a sense of exhilaration which I hadn’t expected.

For the first time in my life, I could buy any food I wanted. My father would never know. He would never be able to lecture me about it.

I felt giddy. I felt like a rebel. It was an emotional high that felt like dangerous freedom.

I had just moved to Tuscaloosa to start college at the University of Alabama. I was living completely on my own for the first time in my life. I didn’t realize exactly how controlled I had felt until the moment when there were suddenly no controls on me.

For many years, I associated parenting with oppressive control, because that’s the parenting I experienced. (My mother wasn’t around, so all my parenting was from my father.) I was trained to be an obedient robot. I eventually came to understand that wasn’t the healthy way to raise children, but it’s taken me longer to start understanding some of the things that are missing in me because of the unhealthy parenting I received.

At long last, I’ve realized I still need some parenting — and the only thing I can count on is “reparenting” myself.

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Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: control, father, parents, psychology

Anger and hatred come from hurt — and fear of being hurt again

By David McElroy · August 16, 2019

It happens more often than I like to admit. There’s an angry inner voice that seems to have a mind of its own.

“I hate everybody!” the voice hisses angrily in my head.

For years, I’ve joked that there’s a wide-ranging conspiracy to make me a misanthrope — and I fear it’s working. The joke has been my attempt to reconcile two things which can’t be reconciled:

— I choose to love others, for their benefit and my own.

— I hate so many of the people around me every day.

Those two things can’t be reconciled, so I make jokes about it. The more contact I have with humans, the more I feel like a misanthrope — and I hate feeling that way. It makes me feel so wrong inside, but something in me wants to lash out — needs to lash out — as though I’m defending myself.

And I think I finally understand why.

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Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: anger, childhood, father, fear, hatred, love, mother, psychology

I’m losing need to explain myself to those who misunderstand me

By David McElroy · August 3, 2019

For most of my life, I lived with a fear of not being understood.

When people misunderstood me in some way — my intentions, my ideas, my motivations — I rushed to explain myself. The more I grew and changed, the more my ideas and thinking diverged from that of the mainstream culture around me, so the more I felt alienated. The more I felt misunderstood. And the more I felt a slight panic that I would be “in trouble.”

This took me a long time to figure out.

When I was a child, I constantly had to explain myself. My father could launch into one of his verbal assaults any time the mood struck him. If I said the most casual of things which he misunderstood — as “disrespectful” or wrong in some way — I could be under assault without warning. And once he started, he never backed down.

I learned to go to insane lengths to be clear to him, but I still worried about the inevitable misunderstanding — and I grew up to take that same fear of being misunderstood into all of my life.

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Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: art, childhood, father, fear, psychology

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Ever since a neighbor strung some decorative light Ever since a neighbor strung some decorative lights in his back yard a year or so ago, I’ve been trying to figure out how to photograph them. In person, the effect is stunning on the yard, but I’ve struggled to figure out any sort of perspective that would be interesting. I’m still not entirely happy with this, but it’s th best I’ve been able to come up with so far. #lights #backyard #birmingham #alabama
It’s 27 degrees in Birmingham after midnight, bu It’s 27 degrees in Birmingham after midnight, but the thick fog covering my neighborhood right now makes it feel magical enough to ignore the miserable cold for a few minutes. #nature #naturephotography #fog #trees #night #birmingham #alabama
As I was getting into the car after work just afte As I was getting into the car after work just after 5 p.m., I looked up and saw this beautiful full moon shining through the bare limbs of a nearby tree. #nature #naturephotography #tree #moon #birmingham #alabama
Here are the top nine photos I’ve posted on this Here are the top nine photos I’ve posted on this account in 2020, as determined by your “likes.” #topnine
It’s very foggy in my neighborhood as Lucy and I It’s very foggy in my neighborhood as Lucy and I take our walk late Saturday night. #nature #naturephotography #fog #trees #night #birmingham #alabama
The moonlight is bright and widely diffused in the The moonlight is bright and widely diffused in the heavy fog in my neighborhood tonight. #moonlight #trees #night #birmingham #alabama
This was the Birmingham sunset just a few minutes This was the Birmingham sunset just a few minutes before 5 p.m. Wednesday. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I just remembered a photo I took as I walked out o I just remembered a photo I took as I walked out of my front door at lunch to come back to the office. As you can see, we still have quite a few leaves on most of our trees. #nature #naturephotography #sky #tree #autumn #birmingham #alabama
As I was coming back from the bank just a moment a As I was coming back from the bank just a moment ago, I saw some lovely color along Shades Crest Road in the Bluff Park neighborhood. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
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Molly contemplates life late Tuesday night from he Molly contemplates life late Tuesday night from her perch on the fireplace mantle in the office. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #greeneyes #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
From the top of a bookshelf near the ceiling of th From the top of a bookshelf near the ceiling of the office, Thomas extends himself over the edge to keep watch over his vast kingdom below. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
It was five years ago tonight when Lucy first rode It was five years ago tonight when Lucy first rode in the car with me. She was on her way to her “forever home” with me, but she didn’t know that, so she was terrified that night. It was a much happier and braver girl who took a ride in the car tonight so we could go through a drive-through window and order a hamburger for her — to celebrate five years with me. She had a great time. If she could remember five years ago tonight, she would be proud of how far she’s come, too. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
Merlin is pretty close to feline nirvana when he s Merlin is pretty close to feline nirvana when he sleeps on the heating pad that they’ve had for the last month or two. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
On a dark and rainy Sunday afternoon, Molly has be On a dark and rainy Sunday afternoon, Molly has been sleeping in an office window — and she doesn’t really want to wake up for photos. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #greeneyes #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Thomas poses for a new formal portrait in the wee Thomas poses for a new formal portrait in the wee hours of Sunday morning. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Late Saturday night, Lucy waits patiently for me t Late Saturday night, Lucy waits patiently for me to finally decide it’s time for her walk. She’s patient, but she never forgets to remind me. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
Molly keeps a watchful eye on her human. If she’ Molly keeps a watchful eye on her human. If she’s not careful, she might accidentally purr if he sneaks up on her and forces her to get unwanted loving. And that’s intolerable to her. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #greeneyes #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #caturdayeve
For “throwback Thursday,” here’s a shot of M For “throwback Thursday,” here’s a shot of Molly’s late sister, Bessie, who I lost almost three years ago. This was shortly after I brought Molly and Bessie in as kittens in about 2008. They looked pretty much identical as kittens and grew up to look like twins as well. #cats #tbt
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Briefly

It was five years ago tonight when Lucy first rode in the car with me. She was on her way to her “forever home” with me that night, but she didn’t know it, so she was terrified. It was a much happier and braver girl who took a ride in the car tonight so we could go through a drive-through window and order a hamburger for her — to celebrate five years with me. She had a great time. If she could remember five years ago tonight, she would be proud of how far she’s come, too. If you’d like to know more about Lucy’s journey from scared dog to brave queen of the household, here’s something I wrote after her first year with me. I’m hoping this girl will have many more happy years with me.

I’ve never been attracted to skinny women. There’s nothing wrong with someone who’s naturally thin, but it’s never been my preference. What has shocked me, though, is the judgment I’ve heard from women all through my life — about themselves and others — about who’s “fat.” I concluded long ago that most women in our culture have been brainwashed to believe that skinny is attractive — and that anything other than skinny is ugly. I first assumed that I was the oddball — for preferring women with bigger and heavier bodies — but I’m coming to the conclusion that most men naturally feel this way to one extent or another. I just ran across new research by a couple of Northwestern University psychology professors that shows that women seriously overestimate how much a straight man will be attracted to a skinny woman. In a perfect world, we would all be at a healthy weight, but when it comes to attractiveness, too heavy is more attractive than skinny. At least to me — and to a lot of men, too.

Years ago, I heard a question that seemed very insightful at the time. You’ve probably heard it, too. What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail? The question is intended to help you uncover things you really want to do, but which you’re afraid to try — for fear of failure. In an interview today, I heard the great marketing guru Seth Godin give a different point of view. He said the better question is to ask what you would do even if you knew it would fail. That struck me as far more insightful than the original version. We ought to be doing what we know is right, not what will maximize our success or praise from others. There are some battles that are worth fighting even if you believe you’re doomed to failure. Those battles are often for love or important ideas or our children. Some things are simply worth fighting for — and the truth is that you might win anyway. Do the right thing. Take the chance.

The more I understand about myself, about human nature and about the nature of reality, the more I realize I’m a radical by the standards of both Modernism and Postmodernism. Seeing the things which I’m stumbling toward makes me an enemy of many of the core ideas upon which contemporary culture is built. It exposes the culture as a monstrous lie — like a dangerous infection that’s slowly destroying what human were created to be. My “inner observer” has always known that truth was found in the ideas of the Enlightenment, but I’m slowly finding words to explain what has merely been instinct until now. The Enlightenment was humanity’s great leap forward, but shallow and arrogant thinkers for the next two centuries threw away the fruits of that achievement. We can’t go forward as a species until we go back to correct this intellectual and spiritual error — and part of that is acknowledging that our collective attempts to do away with our Creator will always fail.

I’ve come to believe that some of us — including me — aren’t very good at knowing how to be happy. I don’t mean that in the sense that happy talk and positive thinking should be able to make us happy regardless of the circumstances. I mean that some of us had so much experience with being unhappy when we were young that we were trained to be unhappy — and that being happy is an unconsciously uncomfortable thing. When I look at times in my past when I should have been happy, it rarely lasted. I believe now that I found reasons to be unhappy — and caused real problems for myself — because being comfortable and happy felt so foreign to my programming. If I’m right, this means that some of us have to do more than just change our circumstances. It means we have to learn how to accept the happiness that we unconsciously fear we don’t deserve.

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