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David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

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My unconscious choices on love say much about women and me

By David McElroy · August 28, 2018

I fall in love only when I find the perfect woman.

That will sound strange at best and dysfunctional at worst, because we all know there’s no such thing as a perfect woman (or a perfect man). So what exactly do I mean?

For weeks, I’ve been pondering the question of what makes me fall in love with one woman when I have absolutely no feelings for one who might seem equally desirable. I’ve needed to understand the reasons, but my feelings had seemed random and hard to explain.

Then I woke up around 4 a.m. Tuesday and I suddenly knew. My unconscious mind worked it out in my sleep, apparently. It’s not a perfect answer, but it’s a model of my emotional reality which makes sense to me. What’s more, I could insert every woman I’ve fallen in love with — which I can count on one hand — and the formula worked.

I fall in love with a woman whose current reality — and future potential — come closest to adding up to my idea of perfection. Because of this, my unconscious choices can tell you a lot about what I see in a woman and they can also tell you quite a bit about me.

The first woman I fell in love with — many years ago, in college — was the picture of what I considered an ideal woman at the time. By the time we went our separate ways three years later, my ideas about what I wanted in a woman were far less traditional. This woman was a wonderful woman, but she would have been completely wrong for me — and I would have been wrong for her.

As I move forward in time, I see that the women I’ve fallen for have been less traditional. They’ve been smarter and far more likely to just as driven for success as I was. All along the way, the one constant is that I’ve never fallen in love with a woman who I didn’t see as a very good mother. That’s probably the one things that’s never wavered in my requirements.

No woman can live up to the ideal I make her in my mind. That’s something I’ve had to learn. I used to think I was falling in love only with what a woman was, but now I understand that I’m falling in love — at least partially — with what I see as her potential.

Is that fair? I can’t say for sure. The thing I’m certain about is that I’m now clear on the difference between what I see in a woman’s present reality and what she has the potential to become. I haven’t always understood that and it led to me being disappointed in women — because their present reality could never match the vision of potential that seemed so obvious to me.

I know now that I’ll marry someone who’s terribly imperfect. I have to be clear about that before the point comes when I realize how flawed she is, because every single person is hugely flawed. (Starting with me, of course.)

I don’t need or want perfection. I just want someone who I see as beautiful and smart and driven and loving and charming — among a dozen or so major criteria — who’s working just as hard as I am on self-improvement. That’s the key. If I encounter a woman who doesn’t want to grow — isn’t willing to grow and change — I will be bitterly disappointed and there’s no sense in pursuing her. I have to have a partner who’s driven to grow and change — who wants to be partners in growth and change with me.

I never want to hear (and I never want to say), “Well that’s just the way I am. Get used to it.” That is the mark of someone who’s scared to grow and is unwilling to change. With that woman, I will always be disappointed by the gap between what she is and what she’s capable of being.

The deal has to be that we accept each other as flawed people but we work on the flaws anyway. We grow and change together — and in doing so, we both become more of what the other needs.

I now understand exactly why I’ve fallen in love with the women I’ve fallen for, both in the past and recently. I once wanted someone very traditional. I now want someone who’s a blend of some traditional elements — especially insofar as maternal instincts — and some very modern ones which could allow us to achieve things together that neither of us could achieve alone.

I don’t know why something in my unconscious finally decided to explain all this to me, but when I woke up early this morning, it was very clear. I understand why I fell in love with that woman decades ago, why I fell for another one a few years later, why I fell for two more over the last decade. It all makes sense.

I’m finally comfortable with what I’m looking for. I know it when I see it (and I’m instantly repelled when I don’t see it). Now my issues are remembering that a woman’s present reality isn’t always going to immediately meet the potential I see — and that I can’t idealize a woman to the point that her present flaws disillusion me. (I’ve done that in the past, but that’s another story.)

The biggest issue I face, of course, is finding that rare woman whose potential matches my ideals — who also happens to want to work toward being that person — and who’s also willing to choose me.

If she’s not willing to choose me — with my own flaws and potential — none of the rest matters.

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This was the Monday evening sunset. While I was wa This was the Monday evening sunset. While I was waiting for the right color and light, a swarm of gnats descended on my car. It was like the Hitchcock film “The Birds,” except they were gnats. So I got out of there before things could get ugly. 😺 #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I normally get home by the quickest path that will I normally get home by the quickest path that will take me there, but I wasn’t in the mood today to deal with lots of other drivers. So I skipped I-459 and went across the slower two-lane route of Alabama 119. The drive didn’t cure me of all that ails me, but it was a more pleasant and humane experience, at least for me. #nature #naturephotography #trees #countryroad #birmingham #alabama
The skies are a chaotic mix of blue and dark gray The skies are a chaotic mix of blue and dark gray in Birmingham this afternoon. It was mostly blue earlier, but at times it’s turned almost dark as night — before going back to this mixture of heavy clouds and clear skies. It’s beautiful, but it’s hard to guess what’s about to happen. (The National Weather Service issued a thunderstorm warning, so that’s what those folks think is going to happen.) #nature #naturephotography #sky #clouds #birmingham #alabama
This was the sunset behind the restaurant where I This was the sunset behind the restaurant where I hung out to work for awhile this evening. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
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This is what the sky looked like just after sunset This is what the sky looked like just after sunset earlier this evening. I couldn’t decide whether to show you the wider view or the closer view, so you got both. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I caught the last little bit of light Saturday eve I caught the last little bit of light Saturday even just after the sun had gone beneath the horizon. When you watch something such as this, it’s easy to understand why early humans assumed that the sun revolved around us instead of the other way around. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I missed most of the sunset Friday evening, but I I missed most of the sunset Friday evening, but I came along just in time to see this color before the light was completely gone. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
As I was almost home — from a very long work day As I was almost home — from a very long work day — I saw this gorgeous sunset over Cedar Grove Baptist Church in Leeds, just a mile or so from my house. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
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For “throwback Thursday, let me introduce you to For “throwback Thursday, let me introduce you to Sam. In 2009, I took in a young feral cat who I named for the early American revolutionary Samuel Adams. He was one of the most confident — downright arrogant, in fact — cats I’ve ever been around. He had an amazing personality and I immediately loved him. He was no more than 8 or 9 months old when he suddenly died for reasons that my vet couldn’t explain. Even though I had him only a short time, he was one of my all-time favorites. #tbt #cats #tabby #feral #birmingham #alabama
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Lucy has been happily rolling around in the freshl Lucy has been happily rolling around in the freshly cut grass of the back yard Wednesday evening. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
Thomas believes that he is the Most Interesting Ca Thomas believes that he is the Most Interesting Cat in the World — and I can’t say he’s wrong tonight. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Merlin is ready for me to turn the last of the off Merlin is ready for me to turn the last of the office lights off so he and Thomas can sleep peacefully without me muttering to myself as I write. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Lucy just finished a Neighborhood Watch patrol and Lucy just finished a Neighborhood Watch patrol and now she’s cooling off in the back yard before heading inside for dinner. Her work is never done. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
Except when he’s asleep, Thomas always looks as Except when he’s asleep, Thomas always looks as though he’s on high alert and ready to run away from danger. His feral early years still dominate his internal programming. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Lucy just finished her last walk of the day, but s Lucy just finished her last walk of the day, but she still wants more attention. She’s sitting in front of me looking expectantly. She seems certain that we will go outside for one more adventure if she’s persistent enough. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
My favorite photos of Merlin tend to be those — My favorite photos of Merlin tend to be those — such as this one — in which he seems to be contemplating difficult issues. Feline philosophy or quantum physics or something else that he figures I wouldn’t understand. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #caturday
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On a live awards show Sunday night, one man made a joke about a female celebrity. The husband of the celebrity was offended and hit the man who made the joke. Or maybe it was staged for entertainment. Who knows? Who cares? Social media is full of discussion — and even arguments — about this idiocy today. This baffles me. Let’s assume for a moment that the event happened as reported. People have been having such idiotic fights ever since there have been humans. Half the bars in the world see such brief dustups regularly. It simply doesn’t matter. The fact that so many people believe they need to talk about this — or even need to have opinions about it — is more evidence of the bizarre media brainwashing that convinces many to care passionately about brain-dead trivia. Your life will be happier and saner if you focus on yourself, your family and your friends, not on whatever scripted (or spontaneous) bilge that the media wants to pipe into your home.

I’m in the middle of migrating this website to new servers this week. This means you might encounter some unexpected behavior until I get all the bugs worked out. Clicking on my links (including this one) might cause your browser to give you the message that it’s a site without a current security certificate. It’s not actually unsafe, but there’s something which isn’t yet set up for the security certificate. I apologize for any such errors you might encounter while the process is going on. If you notice any problems with content which didn’t migrate properly, I would appreciate you letting me know the details at davidmcelroy@mac.com. Thanks for your patience.

I often wonder what animals think when they look at us and consider the society we’ve created. Yes, I know this is fanciful and unrealistic, but what if they could? Would they be astounded at how we treat each other? Would they be disgusted by the ugliness and pettiness which fill so many of our daily interactions? The truth is that I’m feeling pretty disgusted with humanity tonight. I made the mistake of reading some online interactions that I should have avoided — and it sickened me. The people involved appeared to be vile and stupid and arrogant. I wish I could pretend they’re a tiny minority, but I know better. It’s times such as this when I most need to escape much of “civilization” and disconnect from their world. If humans are going to be worthy of “ruling this planet,” we have a lot of growth to do. And I fear that growth is nowhere in sight. So my buddy Thomas, above, and all of his friends would be right to judge us harshly — and to think, “Why do you folks get to be in charge?”

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Have you ever had what you thought was a new idea — and then discovered that “old you” had the same idea years ago? I had that experience tonight. And it’s been wonderful. I came up with an idea tonight for a very short satirical film that would be a promotion for a fictitious college. The point is to make the college promote — as good things — everything which is actually terrible about most modern colleges. Then I remembered a fake college that I invented back when I was in college. I had created student recruitment brochures and various newsletters back then, so I decided to call my “new” college by the same name I’d invented years ago: Ochita College. As I searched my computer for any old material I might still have about Ochita from the past, I discovered an email I sent to someone in 2009 — outlining essentially the same idea which I came up with tonight. Since I didn’t remember writing that, it felt like magic. So my next film project just might be this one instead. If all goes well, you might soon see “Ochita College: Your Future Starts Here.” This should be fun.

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