• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to secondary sidebar
  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Twitter
  • YouTube

David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

  • About
  • Podcasts

Almost all of us feel alienation if
we don’t find a place to call home

By David McElroy · November 18, 2018

As I observed the people around me in the restaurant Sunday afternoon, I felt annoyed. I didn’t like these people — and I don’t figure they would really like me.

If I described the things I didn’t like about these folks, you would probably feel as though I was being petty. Maybe even judgmental. They didn’t look like me, talk like me, or act like me. Everything about them rubbed me the wrong way.

I feel this way a lot lately. I suspect most Americans feel the same. In our own varied ways, most of us are asking, “How could this be possible in my country?”

Conservatives might look at gay marriage and marijuana legalization and an apparent flood of immigrants in their cities — and wonder what went wrong for the world they believe in. Progressives might look at neo-Nazis marching and “voter suppression” in elections and a flood of hatred for immigrants — and wonder what went wrong for the world they believe in.

In a world where the words and actions of people who disagree with us are slammed into our faces by 24-hour news media, most of us have a vague sense that something’s wrong. Some react by saying, “I want my country back,” but what they’re really saying is what we all feel. We all long for a place that feels like home.

I often say that I feel like a “stranger in a strange land,” which was the title of a Robert Heinlein novel. I feel much like the protagonist of the novel. Michael Valentine was a human, but he had been raised among aliens before returning to Earth as a young man. He had absolutely no understanding of the people he had to live among.

When I look back at my life, I see that the only places where I’ve ever really felt at home were among church families and in high school. I think a lot of people experience some nostalgia about high school for the same reasons I do. Even though my life was far from perfect then — and I would never want to return there — I knew where I stood. I knew what was expected of me. I knew how to fit into my social groups. All of that added up to a sense of belonging. I was still conscious of being different from most, but I felt accepted.

All of this was even more true among church groups. When I was in high school, my church group was more home than the place where I slept. I was there every time the doors opened. I had leadership positions. I sang in the youth choir. I had parts in all sorts of things which put me in front of these hundreds of people. I didn’t personally know all of those people, but I still had a place among them. I liked some people. I loved others. I didn’t care for some. But they felt something like an extended family. It felt like community. It felt like home.

I feel less at home among these sort of conservative evangelical church members today because I’ve changed and they’ve changed. They’ve tended to become strongly political in ways which I strongly disapprove of. And where I once shared the sense of certainty about some fundamentals of theology — things I later discovered were fairly modern additions to theology, not ancient understandings of the text — I now have disagreements with their certainty. I have more questions and far fewer answers. I retain a bedrock belief in a God I’ve experienced, but I no longer share their certainty about a lot of specifics.

Because of those changes, I don’t feel at home in the same congregations anymore.

As I thought about all this Sunday afternoon, I suddenly realized that my understanding of local church congregations has changed over the years. I once saw a local church’s purpose as saving souls through evangelism, which mostly meant preaching and teaching and door-to-door campaigns and supporting missionaries.

I have started to see that a church which mimics the New Testament model is less a multi-level marketing scheme and more of a simple community where people live together in love and support.

What is it that makes the people of Amish communities so generally happy with their lives? It’s not the ridiculous clothes they have to wear and it’s not being forced to ride in buggies rather than cars. In fact, I’ve concluded that the specifics of their way of life is almost irrelevant to their happiness and well-being. I think they’re happy because they live in communities in which they know who they are and where they fit in the community. They have a strong sense of a place where they feel at home.

I’m not saying that I want to become Amish. (In fact, I’d make a terrible member of an Amish community.) I’m simply suggesting that what we need is to be able to make community with people who are like us — people among whom we feel at home.

I don’t want to force other people to be like me. I don’t want to stop my friends who use all sorts of recreational drugs and live a “party life” which seems alien and disgusting to me. I don’t want to force everyone to read what I read and think about the things I think about. I don’t want to force others to speak as I prefer or teach their children what I believe they ought to be taught.

I simply want a place of community where I can feel at home. I want a place where other people voluntarily speak and act in ways that are familiar and reasonable to me.

Because of modern media and coercive politics, most people seem to believe that life is one long struggle to force others to be like them. There’s no reason to keep fighting this ridiculous battle. We all need to quit trying to force others to be like us — and we need to find voluntary community with others who are like us. (We also need to quit paying attention to coercive politics and quit swimming in the cess pool of modern news media.)

For me, a church is the right sort of environment. It’s trickier now to choose one that fits my beliefs, because the modern Christian world seems to be slowly splitting into those who are foot soldiers for the evangelical political right and those who are foot soldiers for the progressive political left.

I will not be part of either of those groups.

I just want to find community with decent people who are seeking God and who want to find love and life and fellowship with one another.

If I’m evangelical about anything these days, it’s the simple notion that we all have the right and responsibility to live as we choose and to associate with those of our choosing. But that also means we must leave other people alone to live as they choose and to associate with those of their choosing.

I need a place to call home right now. I need people who are thoughtful, intelligent, loving and open-minded to be community for me. I need this sort of community for myself, but I also need such a community for my future children, so they can grow up among a loving extended family — not grow up with random other children and media personalities shaping their lives instead.

I’m probably not ever going to like those people I saw in the restaurant this afternoon. They were foul-mouthed and ignorant. They weren’t educated and they seemed happy to be what they are. They’re comfortable within their own kind of people. I suppose they feel a sense of community with each other.

That’s not what I want, but thinking about them makes me realize how much I need a community of my own. I’ll have to either find one or build it and attract the people I need.

We all need to find or build this place of community for ourselves — instead of trying to change others through politics or shouting each other down on social media.

Note: The picture above is one I shot of Cedar Grove Baptist Church in Leeds, Ala., just before sunset in July 2018. The church is about a mile from my house.

Share on Social Networks

Related Posts

  • Stop using children as pawns to promote adult political agendasStop using children as pawns to promote adult political agendas
  • Shock of seeing ‘Airplane!’ was realizing that I wasn’t all alone
  • Watching kids on a Friday night reminds me of struggle to belong

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: alienation, church, community, politics

Primary Sidebar

My Instagram

The aftermath of sunset looked soft and pastel Tue The aftermath of sunset looked soft and pastel Tuesday evening. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I didn’t have my “real camera” with me, but I didn’t have my “real camera” with me, but the iPhone gives you a sense of how colorful the sky was just a moment ago right before the sun slipped beneath the horizon. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
The Saturday evening sunset punches through the he The Saturday evening sunset punches through the heavy clouds sitting just over the horizon, just enough to create a spectacular orange show as the world spins toward another night of darkness. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
This was sunset just east of Birmingham Wednesday This was sunset just east of Birmingham Wednesday evening behind the restaurant where I had dinner. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
One of the best things about this time of year is One of the best things about this time of year is that I see far more sunsets since they occur later in the evening. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I caught just the very end of sunset through the t I caught just the very end of sunset through the trees behind the restaurant where I’m eating Tuesday evening. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
One of the things I really enjoy about spring is h One of the things I really enjoy about spring is having sunsets later in the evening. Here’s the one I just watched while I was at dinner. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I just caught the very end of sunset, but I loved I just caught the very end of sunset, but I loved how the fading colors looked behind the evening clouds. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
This beautiful flowering tree was gorgeous against This beautiful flowering tree was gorgeous against the stunning blue sky at a house I showed to someone Thursday afternoon. Spring seems to already be in full swing. #nature #naturephotography #sky #flowers #tree #birmingham #alabama
Follow on Instagram

Critter Instagram

For “throwback Thursday, let me introduce you to For “throwback Thursday, let me introduce you to Sam. In 2009, I took in a young feral cat who I named for the early American revolutionary Samuel Adams. He was one of the most confident — downright arrogant, in fact — cats I’ve ever been around. He had an amazing personality and I immediately loved him. He was no more than 8 or 9 months old when he suddenly died for reasons that my vet couldn’t explain. Even though I had him only a short time, he was one of my all-time favorites. #tbt #cats #tabby #feral #birmingham #alabama
I’ve never been as curious about what a cat migh I’ve never been as curious about what a cat might be thinking as I constantly am about Merlin. As I watch him sitting here on the edge of my desk late Wednesday night, I can’t help but conclude he’s a very deep thinker. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Lucy has been happily rolling around in the freshl Lucy has been happily rolling around in the freshly cut grass of the back yard Wednesday evening. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
Thomas believes that he is the Most Interesting Ca Thomas believes that he is the Most Interesting Cat in the World — and I can’t say he’s wrong tonight. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Merlin is ready for me to turn the last of the off Merlin is ready for me to turn the last of the office lights off so he and Thomas can sleep peacefully without me muttering to myself as I write. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Lucy just finished a Neighborhood Watch patrol and Lucy just finished a Neighborhood Watch patrol and now she’s cooling off in the back yard before heading inside for dinner. Her work is never done. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
Except when he’s asleep, Thomas always looks as Except when he’s asleep, Thomas always looks as though he’s on high alert and ready to run away from danger. His feral early years still dominate his internal programming. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Lucy just finished her last walk of the day, but s Lucy just finished her last walk of the day, but she still wants more attention. She’s sitting in front of me looking expectantly. She seems certain that we will go outside for one more adventure if she’s persistent enough. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
My favorite photos of Merlin tend to be those — My favorite photos of Merlin tend to be those — such as this one — in which he seems to be contemplating difficult issues. Feline philosophy or quantum physics or something else that he figures I wouldn’t understand. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #caturday
Follow on Instagram

Contact David

David likes email, but can’t reply to every message. I get a surprisingly large number of requests for relationship advice — seriously — but time doesn’t permit a response to all of them. (Sorry.)

Subscribe

Enter your address to receive notifications by email every time new articles are posted. Then click “Subscribe.”

Donations

If you enjoy this site and want to help, click here. All donations are appreciated, no matter how large or small. (PayPal often doesn’t identify donors, so I might not be able to thank you directly.)




Search

Archives

Secondary Sidebar

Briefly

On a live awards show Sunday night, one man made a joke about a female celebrity. The husband of the celebrity was offended and hit the man who made the joke. Or maybe it was staged for entertainment. Who knows? Who cares? Social media is full of discussion — and even arguments — about this idiocy today. This baffles me. Let’s assume for a moment that the event happened as reported. People have been having such idiotic fights ever since there have been humans. Half the bars in the world see such brief dustups regularly. It simply doesn’t matter. The fact that so many people believe they need to talk about this — or even need to have opinions about it — is more evidence of the bizarre media brainwashing that convinces many to care passionately about brain-dead trivia. Your life will be happier and saner if you focus on yourself, your family and your friends, not on whatever scripted (or spontaneous) bilge that the media wants to pipe into your home.

I’m in the middle of migrating this website to new servers this week. This means you might encounter some unexpected behavior until I get all the bugs worked out. Clicking on my links (including this one) might cause your browser to give you the message that it’s a site without a current security certificate. It’s not actually unsafe, but there’s something which isn’t yet set up for the security certificate. I apologize for any such errors you might encounter while the process is going on. If you notice any problems with content which didn’t migrate properly, I would appreciate you letting me know the details at davidmcelroy@mac.com. Thanks for your patience.

I often wonder what animals think when they look at us and consider the society we’ve created. Yes, I know this is fanciful and unrealistic, but what if they could? Would they be astounded at how we treat each other? Would they be disgusted by the ugliness and pettiness which fill so many of our daily interactions? The truth is that I’m feeling pretty disgusted with humanity tonight. I made the mistake of reading some online interactions that I should have avoided — and it sickened me. The people involved appeared to be vile and stupid and arrogant. I wish I could pretend they’re a tiny minority, but I know better. It’s times such as this when I most need to escape much of “civilization” and disconnect from their world. If humans are going to be worthy of “ruling this planet,” we have a lot of growth to do. And I fear that growth is nowhere in sight. So my buddy Thomas, above, and all of his friends would be right to judge us harshly — and to think, “Why do you folks get to be in charge?”

I should have expected this, but I honestly didn’t. The article I wrote last week about disagreements over treatment for autistic children brought me angry emails. You could almost call it “hate mail.” Of the five emails about it so far, two have been to tell me that I’m wrong to even listen to critics of the most popular therapy for autistic children — and the other three tell me I’m wrong for not condemning the treatment as the “obvious” abuse it is. If you read the article, you know I didn’t take a position on the issue, because I simply don’t know enough to have an opinion. But by talking about the issue, I stepped into a heated controversy. The emails from the two sides convinced me of nothing. But they did give me even more empathy for the unfortunate parents who have to figure out for themselves where the truth lies for their children.

Have you ever had what you thought was a new idea — and then discovered that “old you” had the same idea years ago? I had that experience tonight. And it’s been wonderful. I came up with an idea tonight for a very short satirical film that would be a promotion for a fictitious college. The point is to make the college promote — as good things — everything which is actually terrible about most modern colleges. Then I remembered a fake college that I invented back when I was in college. I had created student recruitment brochures and various newsletters back then, so I decided to call my “new” college by the same name I’d invented years ago: Ochita College. As I searched my computer for any old material I might still have about Ochita from the past, I discovered an email I sent to someone in 2009 — outlining essentially the same idea which I came up with tonight. Since I didn’t remember writing that, it felt like magic. So my next film project just might be this one instead. If all goes well, you might soon see “Ochita College: Your Future Starts Here.” This should be fun.

Read More

Crass Capitalism

Before you buy anything from Amazon, please click on this ad. I’ll get a tiny commission, but it won’t cost you a nickel extra. The cats and I thank you. (If you’re using an ad-blocker and can’t see the ad, you can click here instead.)

© 2011–2022 · All Rights Reserved
Built by: 1955 DESIGN