Search for sexual pleasure can slowly destroy genuine intimacy

By David McElroy · January 12, 2019

What if you could build your own ideal sexual partner? Would you care if she had no brain? No heart? No soul? No feelings?

The idea of a sex doll sounds outrageous to most of us, but is it really such a big leap from what most people today have accepted as normal?

If you simply want sex — and you don’t really care that much who the partner is — then it’s perfectly natural that porn would seem like a good substitute for intimacy. And if an ever-changing array of porn performers are your idea of what sex ought to be, why not move on to a physical substitute — a plastic dummy that can be made to look and feel very much like the women who you can have only in your juvenile porn fantasies.

If your idea of intimacy and sex are so warped that you can’t have an emotionally good and mutual relationship with a real woman, why not just give yourself over to this solo sexual fantasy? At least you wouldn’t be hurting real women if you confine yourself to their plastic lookalikes.

I used to think it was obvious to any thinking person why porn and its extensions are terrible for human relationships, but I’ve found that some people react angrily when you point out the obvious dangers of teaching yourself (and your partner) that sex is about the search for the ultimate pleasure, not about a physical way of expressing a loving connection between two people.

I see plenty of examples of intimacy being destroyed in the culture around me — mostly from individuals who’ve found out what porn and pleasure-seeking are doing to them. I also see lots of secondary effects — women who feel terrible about their bodies if they don’t meet some ridiculous fantasy of the perfect sexual robot. And let’s be honest? How many do meet that ridiculous standard?

I came across a story from a British newspaper in which men who owned sex dolls shared pictures of their “girls” and talked about why they liked them.

“Sex dolls are way better than real women,” one man said. “They don’t care what I do to them.”

The dolls featured in the story are from a company called RealDoll. I went to this company’s site to see how it all works. I configured my “perfect woman” and I was disappointed. Yes, I can create a tall blonde woman with blue eyes. I can even configure what her hair and face and breasts look like. There are even 11 styles of plastic vaginas that can be inserted into these monstrosities. (Why would any man possibly care about the physical characteristics of a woman’s vagina? They all serve the same purpose.)

It’s no wonder women are so paranoid today about their bodies. I recently discovered a section of the popular social media site called Reddit on which men and women post pictures of their naked bodies and ask for reactions. Although it’s nude bodies, it’s not supposed to be porn. It’s supposed to be people seeking honest feedback about their bodies. (Anybody can see this subreddit — called Normal Nudes — but you have to have a Reddit account and agree to see “adult” images.)

As I’ve investigated who posts there, I find that one of the most common types of posts is from women who have perfectly attractive bodies but they’re paranoid about non-existent flaws. Some will complain of their “saggy” breasts. (I finally figured out from reading their comments that they’ve seen so many breasts in porn that look like cones sticking straight out that they see that as perfect.) Others hate their “fat” tummies, when they’re actually normal and thin. They have all sorts of complaints about their bodies — and I’ve discovered from private correspondence with some of them that the common denominator is that it’s porn (and boyfriends who think porn bodies are normal) which has messed up their self-perception.

One young woman who had posted there also posted in another subreddit that she had figured out why she had lost interest in sex.

“I’m 20F and have been consuming porn since I was about 8,” she wrote. “It’s gross and sad, I know, but I’m posting this to tell you all what it’s done to me over the years. I’m sure what I’m about to say won’t be a surprise to you, but it’s just like I’ve had an epiphany and I just have to tell someone. … Considering that I’ve been consuming porn for so long and from such a young age, I have no doubt I’ve severely [messed] up my brain and how it interacts with sexual stimuli. I’m really, really worried that I might never be able to have a healthy sexuality ever again but … I’m gonna try.”

Humans desperately need real intimacy. If we try to short-circuit the process by making it all about sex — and the ever-greater need for more pleasure — we destroy our ability to experience intimacy. Of course, some people are so lost when it comes to genuine intimacy — or so scared of allowing themselves to find it — that pleasure is all they can give themselves.

I want a real woman. Just one woman. Not a bunch of porn actresses. Not a prostitute. Not sex dolls. I want a woman who has a heart and a mind and a soul — and who is emotionally intimate with me.

I don’t much care about her bra size. I don’t care if she’s too skinny or weighs too much. I don’t care whether she has a flat stomach. I don’t care about most of the specifics of her normal body design. I just want someone who loves me and who trusts me and is emotionally intimate with me. The rest will take care of itself. Beyond that, I have a few preferences — taller, bigger than average build, blue eyes, blonde hair — but even those are secondary to the woman inside the body.

If it seems as though I’m blaming men too much for everything here — and that might be, since I see things from a male perspective — let me add this. Women, you’re partly to blame for this, too, because you’ve allowed emotionally dysfunctional men to insist that porn and other things — which you don’t really want — be made a part of your relationship. You had the power to say, “No,” yet you allowed it. You have to take responsibility for that — and you have to say, “No, I won’t take this anymore.”

Sex is an amazing thing between two people who have an emotionally close and loving relationship. The pleasure is great, but the closeness — the oneness — is far more important in the long run. If you bring porn or sex dolls or similar things into your relationship, you are destroying any possibility of real emotional intimacy lasting in the long run.

Some people will disagree with me. Some will say I’m old fashioned. That’s fine. I believe the facts — and long human history — are on my side.

I don’t want a perfect sex machine. I don’t want a porn star. I don’t want a “bad girl” or a “slut” to degrade. I just want a woman — just one — a flawed, flesh-and-blood woman who is emotionally intimate with me and wants to share whatever she is physically with me.

If you’re looking for pleasure outside of that, you’re going to destroy your relationship — and you’re ultimately going to destroy your ability to have a real emotional relationship with anyone.

If that’s you, go ahead and order your RealDoll. They start at just $6,000. That’s better than ruining the self-esteem and self-image of a real woman who can never live up to your perverted fantasy.

Love and connection and intimacy will last. Empty pleasure will never be enough.

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I’m seeing a lot of simplistic and dishonest explanations right now for the current rioting in France. Those on the populist far right claim it’s all about Muslim immigrants to France disrupting the culture. Their message is that this sort of thing is going to happen in the U.S. unless “we defend the border.” On the far left, socialists and their fellow travelers claim the riots are all about wealthy people in France not paying enough taxes, resulting in cuts to government services. The truth is far more complicated, but it’s rooted in the decline of population growth in Europe. There simply aren’t enough young workers paying into the tax system anymore, so cuts in social services were inevitable. There is genuine cultural tension as more and more people immigrate from other countries, but government cuts to education and other services are even more important to what’s happening. The situation is complicated, so don’t let dishonest people with U.S. political agendas tell you that it happens to support whatever they were already promoting for partisan reasons.

Here’s another reason to appreciate the cats in your life: New research involving 93 countries found that places with more cats per person also tended to have happier people. The researchers say the finding fits with previous evidence that living with pets can reduce loneliness and stress while providing companionship, emotional attachment and social support. The study doesn’t prove that cats cause greater happiness, but it certainly adds to the evidence that sharing your home — and your life — with a cat might be good for you.

The company that owns Facebook and Instagram is heavily promoting its new AI-based software assistant called Muse, but people who are using it as it was designed are incredibly foolish. An early adopter of the software discovered that a few days ago when he advertised an item for sale on Facebook Marketplace — and he inadvertently gave Muse full authority to act on his behalf. The software agreed to a lowball offer made by another Facebook user and then gave that man the home address of the man for whom he was an agent. The software told the buyer that the seller was home and waiting for him. When the buyer showed up and waited angrily, the would-be buyer left an angry review for the man. And this angry man had the seller’s home address. It was only well after that that the software reported what it had done and admitted it had made a mistake. I won’t be putting that much power into the hands of any software. I think anyone who agrees to such terms is a fool. And the software’s user agreement says you’re responsible for purchases the software makes in your name. Nope.

Meet my new girlfriend. Her name is Meg. And she’s my little sweetheart. A couple of months ago, a neighbor across the street told me about a new stray in the neighborhood that she and I were both soon feeding. The cat had been very skittish about contact and she had a lot of scabs and parasites in her fur, but a trip to the vet last week revealed that she was otherwise in good health. The vet estimates her to be 1 to 2 years old. I named her for Meg Murry, the 13-year-old protagonist of Madeleine L’Engle’s wonderful book, “A Wrinkle in Time.” (Please read the book. Don’t watch the horrible movie.) Since we lost Lucy almost a year ago, it seems appropriate that we finally have a new little girl to join the household. She’s already captured my heart, but Alex, Oliver and Sam aren’t there quite yet.

There’s nothing socially acceptable that’s as dangerous as drinking alcohol. Most people grow up being told to “drink responsibly” — and all of us see people abusing this drug in one way or another — but the truth is that drinking alcohol is always a terrible risk. The alcohol in these drinks is toxic and the human liver has to work hard to filter the toxins out. What most people don’t realize is that alcohol is classified as a known carcinogen by the World Health Organization — because of the well-established connection between imbibing and various cancers. Many people have taken refuge behind the idea that light or moderate drinking might be safe, but a new study shows that drinking even one drink a day increases the risks of 10 types of cancer. When I was a teen-ager, I looked around and saw the negative effects that this behavior had on a lot of people and decided not to start drinking, so I’ve never even tried this poison. The evidence keeps piling up that I was lucky to have come to that conclusion early.

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