They’re just images of past love, but I can’t make them go away

By David McElroy · May 24, 2020

It’s always the worst at night. I have no idea why.

That’s when the images and sounds flood my mind. It’s as though someone made a movie and I saw only the first part. I loved the movie and wanted to see all of it. I loved it so much that I wanted to live in it, but I couldn’t.

And then someone had all the images and sounds and smells and emotions from the rest of that movie — and feeds bits and pieces of them to me at random times. It’s warm and loving images of love and family and home and everything I’ve ever wanted.

There‘s a projector on the inside of my skull — and someone plays those images. What I see teases me and torments me, but I can’t make them go away. I don‘t even know whether I want them to go away.

She’s always there. But she’s not really there.

It makes no difference to you who she is. None of the details matter outside of the tortured images inside my skull. But the story is as old as the human race.

I fell in love with her before she fell in love with me. I’m certain of that. She was perfect but she was flawed. Nothing was wrong with her but everything was wrong with her. She was just as confused — and sometimes confusing — as I am.

The longer I knew her, the more I saw through her perfect exterior and saw deep dysfunction and need, but that made me love her — paradoxically — more than ever. I had visions of both of us needing to work toward better emotional health. Everything made so much sense.

And she fell in love with me. That was the high point of my life so far.

It was a delight to live in the warm glow of her love. She needed what I had to offer. She told me to never forget how much she wanted me. How much she needed me. Her words and her warm love were like healing salve for my hurting heart.

I had finally found what I had been looking for all my life.

That’s all of the story that I got to see. The film ended there, as though the film broke. But the story was already written and already living in vivid Technicolor on the screen inside my head. And that’s what won’t go away. I keep seeing and hearing bits and pieces of the rest of the story, but they’re all jumbled and out of order now.

Is that love which won’t die? Or is it merely the product of having an over-active imagination which torments me simply because the images I created of our future were too powerful?

Is this really about her? Or is it just dying echoes of a powerful love that I can’t let go of? Or could it be merely something that my heart holds onto until someone else comes along who will offer me a love that won’t go away? Is that what it will take to erase the images and the sounds?

I see us in the car sometimes. There are birthdays. Children. Her hair and her eyes. Christmas. I’m proud of her. Trips together. Holding hands in the dark of a movie theater. Taking care of her when she’s sick. Quiet time together at home. Love and laughter. Security. Home together.

I wanted to see this film. I wanted to live it. I needed that love.

But now all that remains are these images that haunt me — especially late at night — as I slip in and out of the fantasy which once seemed so real.

She’s not here. I’m a man who imagines himself dancing with the love of his life, but who’s really twirling around with his eyes closed as others wonder whether he’s lost his mind — because the partner he holds in his imagination isn’t really here.

I say that I miss her. I say that I still love her. But you can’t really love someone who’s become a figment of your imagination, can you?

Share on Social Networks

Tyler Barnes will never be a basketball star. He probably peaked as a star high school player in Louisville, Ky. But for the last four years, he’s been a walk-on player for the University of Alabama. He’s a chemical engineering major with lots of academic honors who rides the bench because he loves being part of a team. He sometimes gets into games with a minute or two to go, but only if Alabama has a big lead. This Saturday, it was senior day for Alabama basketball, so it was his last chance to play in Coleman Coliseum. Alabama Coach Nate Oats says that one of the team starter’s came to him an hour before the game started — and fellow senior Alex Reese asked Oats if Barnes could start in his place for this one game. Even though the game was huge for Alabama, which is ranked No. 6 in the country and trying to wrap up an SEC title, Oats agreed. Barnes started and played the first three minutes, grabbing what was only the fourth rebound of his career and missing his only shot. Barnes has a great future as an engineer, but you’ll never again hear from him as a basketball player. For three shining minutes Saturday, though, he was a starter for a top-10 college basketball team — and his parents were in the stands from Kentucky to see it. There’s a lot of ugliness in college basketball right now, but this story makes me happy.

It was five years ago tonight when Lucy first rode in the car with me. She was on her way to her “forever home” with me that night, but she didn’t know it, so she was terrified. It was a much happier and braver girl who took a ride in the car tonight so we could go through a drive-through window and order a hamburger for her — to celebrate five years with me. She had a great time. If she could remember five years ago tonight, she would be proud of how far she’s come, too. If you’d like to know more about Lucy’s journey from scared dog to brave queen of the household, here’s something I wrote after her first year with me. I’m hoping this girl will have many more happy years with me.

I’ve never been attracted to skinny women. There’s nothing wrong with someone who’s naturally thin, but it’s never been my preference. What has shocked me, though, is the judgment I’ve heard from women all through my life — about themselves and others — about who’s “fat.” I concluded long ago that most women in our culture have been brainwashed to believe that skinny is attractive — and that anything other than skinny is ugly. I first assumed that I was the oddball — for preferring women with bigger and heavier bodies — but I’m coming to the conclusion that most men naturally feel this way to one extent or another. I just ran across new research by a couple of Northwestern University psychology professors that shows that women seriously overestimate how much a straight man will be attracted to a skinny woman. In a perfect world, we would all be at a healthy weight, but when it comes to attractiveness, too heavy is more attractive than skinny. At least to me — and to a lot of men, too.

Years ago, I heard a question that seemed very insightful at the time. You’ve probably heard it, too. What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail? The question is intended to help you uncover things you really want to do, but which you’re afraid to try — for fear of failure. In an interview today, I heard the great marketing guru Seth Godin give a different point of view. He said the better question is to ask what you would do even if you knew it would fail. That struck me as far more insightful than the original version. We ought to be doing what we know is right, not what will maximize our success or praise from others. There are some battles that are worth fighting even if you believe you’re doomed to failure. Those battles are often for love or important ideas or our children. Some things are simply worth fighting for — and the truth is that you might win anyway. Do the right thing. Take the chance.

The more I understand about myself, about human nature and about the nature of reality, the more I realize I’m a radical by the standards of both Modernism and Postmodernism. Seeing the things which I’m stumbling toward makes me an enemy of many of the core ideas upon which contemporary culture is built. It exposes the culture as a monstrous lie — like a dangerous infection that’s slowly destroying what human were created to be. My “inner observer” has always known that truth was found in the ideas of the Enlightenment, but I’m slowly finding words to explain what has merely been instinct until now. The Enlightenment was humanity’s great leap forward, but shallow and arrogant thinkers for the next two centuries threw away the fruits of that achievement. We can’t go forward as a species until we go back to correct this intellectual and spiritual error — and part of that is acknowledging that our collective attempts to do away with our Creator will always fail.

Related Posts