They’re just images of past love, but I can’t make them go away

By David McElroy · May 24, 2020

It’s always the worst at night. I have no idea why.

That’s when the images and sounds flood my mind. It’s as though someone made a movie and I saw only the first part. I loved the movie and wanted to see all of it. I loved it so much that I wanted to live in it, but I couldn’t.

And then someone had all the images and sounds and smells and emotions from the rest of that movie — and feeds bits and pieces of them to me at random times. It’s warm and loving images of love and family and home and everything I’ve ever wanted.

There‘s a projector on the inside of my skull — and someone plays those images. What I see teases me and torments me, but I can’t make them go away. I don‘t even know whether I want them to go away.

She’s always there. But she’s not really there.

It makes no difference to you who she is. None of the details matter outside of the tortured images inside my skull. But the story is as old as the human race.

I fell in love with her before she fell in love with me. I’m certain of that. She was perfect but she was flawed. Nothing was wrong with her but everything was wrong with her. She was just as confused — and sometimes confusing — as I am.

The longer I knew her, the more I saw through her perfect exterior and saw deep dysfunction and need, but that made me love her — paradoxically — more than ever. I had visions of both of us needing to work toward better emotional health. Everything made so much sense.

And she fell in love with me. That was the high point of my life so far.

It was a delight to live in the warm glow of her love. She needed what I had to offer. She told me to never forget how much she wanted me. How much she needed me. Her words and her warm love were like healing salve for my hurting heart.

I had finally found what I had been looking for all my life.

That’s all of the story that I got to see. The film ended there, as though the film broke. But the story was already written and already living in vivid Technicolor on the screen inside my head. And that’s what won’t go away. I keep seeing and hearing bits and pieces of the rest of the story, but they’re all jumbled and out of order now.

Is that love which won’t die? Or is it merely the product of having an over-active imagination which torments me simply because the images I created of our future were too powerful?

Is this really about her? Or is it just dying echoes of a powerful love that I can’t let go of? Or could it be merely something that my heart holds onto until someone else comes along who will offer me a love that won’t go away? Is that what it will take to erase the images and the sounds?

I see us in the car sometimes. There are birthdays. Children. Her hair and her eyes. Christmas. I’m proud of her. Trips together. Holding hands in the dark of a movie theater. Taking care of her when she’s sick. Quiet time together at home. Love and laughter. Security. Home together.

I wanted to see this film. I wanted to live it. I needed that love.

But now all that remains are these images that haunt me — especially late at night — as I slip in and out of the fantasy which once seemed so real.

She’s not here. I’m a man who imagines himself dancing with the love of his life, but who’s really twirling around with his eyes closed as others wonder whether he’s lost his mind — because the partner he holds in his imagination isn’t really here.

I say that I miss her. I say that I still love her. But you can’t really love someone who’s become a figment of your imagination, can you?

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We are ruled by the dumbest and most incompetent people among us — and we have a system which allows stupid and irresponsible people to force the costs of their idiocy onto smarter and wiser people. Can we get away with that? Yes, for quite some time. But we eventually reach a point at which the dumbest of the dumb — who are habitual liars and mentally ill fools — lead us to the disasters and destruction that some of us have seen coming for years. We are approaching that point. And yet most of the idiots around us still wave their rhetorical banners of support for the evil people who are leading us to ruin — and all of them point their fingers at someone else, never noticing that their own enthusiastic support of evil is to blame. When things finally fall apart, blame yourself for your blindness to the evil, not whoever happens to be in power when it happens.

I’ve been making some changes to the site lately and there are more changes coming in the days ahead, so don’t be surprised if you some small differences. This is not a wholesale redesign, but rather the addition of some features. Since they’re smarter than I am, I’ve put Oliver and Alex in charge of the technical work, which you can see in this action photo from the control room of our media complex. I recently added a series of landing pages for readers who randomly discover the site from an Internet search. I’ve also changed the YouTube link at the top of the page to go to the new YouTube channel for video essays that reflect things I’ve already published here. (Here’s a little bit about both of the YouTube channels I’m working on.) In addition, I’m trying to move away from using Instagram, so I’m experimenting with photo plug-ins that will eventually allow me to host the pictures — cats, dogs, sunsets, whatever — that I often take. So don’t be surprised to see more changes. Thanks for your patience. Let’s hope Alex and Oliver know what they’re doing.

I have no use for the theocratic and repressive government of Iran. The people who run the country are cruel at best and evil at worst. The Iranian people deserve freedom. But I have no personal quarrel with anybody in Iran. While I’m not thrilled about a future Iranian government having nuclear weapons, I’m just as concerned about nukes in the hands of politicians in Israel, Pakistan, India, China and Russia. I’m not even thrilled with the U.S., Britain and France having them, either, because I don’t trust any politicians to be responsible with such terrible weapons. All I can say with certainty is that American taxpayers have no business attacking Iran, especially since we’re being forced to pay for this attack in order to benefit the politicians of Israel — and nobody else. If Middle Eastern countries want to fight among themselves, that’s none of my business. It’s not the business of the U.S. government, either. I have no quarrel with anybody in Iran — and having the government which claims to represent me launch an unprovoked attack against a sovereign country will only make all Americans less safe in the near future. This attack is poorly conceived and morally unjustified. Remember that when the Iranians launch attacks that we will then condemn as “terrorism.” What the U.S. is doing right now looks like terrorism to me. And let’s not forget that the attack is the latest in a long line of unconstitutional wars by various U.S. presidents — who have no legal power to declare war on their own, according to the U.S. Constitution.

A child having a tantrum understands only one thing: Did I get my way or not? He doesn’t understand the issues involved. He doesn’t understand the reasons that went into a decision. He doesn’t understand any of the things that mature and reasonable adults have to understand in order to live healthy lives. By his reaction to the U.S. Supreme Court’s ruling to strike down his disastrous tariff scheme, Donald Trump shows himself to be — once more — a screaming child having a tantrum. Outside the world of mob bosses who expect to get their way every time, normal adults don’t act this way, but Trump isn’t normal. He’s an angry and vengeful man who has narcissistic personality disorder. And we are in danger as a result. Trump doesn’t understand the legal issues involved in this ruling. He doesn’t understand economics. He doesn’t understand rule of law. He doesn’t understand that he can ever be wrong. All he understands is that he didn’t get his way. And he is now a narcissistic and raging little boy who also happens to hold life-and-death power over most humans on this planet. He’s dangerous — and the system which gives him that power is even more dangerous.

Is it an attempt to blur the gender line between men and women? Or is it some weird tribute to the traditional Scottish kilt? It’s hard to say, but fashion designers keep pushing for men to wear skirts in the last few years. Both men and women in modern fashion seem oddly androgynous, as though it would be offensive for a man to look manly or for a woman to look feminine. A CNN article about the latest fashions from Paris caught my attention Monday and left me wondering about the ugly clothes the designers are hawking. If a man wants to wear a skirt — or a kilt — that’s OK with me, but I’ll stick with a traditional dark suit with a white shirt and tie. (Well, when I’m not wearing t-shirts and sweats, of course.) I always wonder who actually buys the outlandish garb from fashion designers anyway. I would be humiliated to be seen in any of this stuff, but I obviously have no sense of high fashion.

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