I’m paralyzed by fear my choices won’t match needs of future wife

I’ve been treading water in my life — not sure which way to go — for roughly a decade.

If you’ve read what I’ve said lately, you know that I’m ready to finally change that. In some audio last week, I explained why I have to stop trying to be what other people might want me to be. A few days ago, I shared with you the specifics of a couple of short films I’m working on, even though they scare me.

But I’m still paralyzed by fear of taking steps that could close off certain choices forever. There are a dozen doors through which I could go right now. Probably many more than that. But choosing one of those doors will close some of the other doors forever.

I’m afraid of making the wrong choices. I’m afraid of choosing a path that will take me somewhere that doesn’t match the needs of whoever I might marry in the future. What if my choice takes me away from someone I love?

I feel as though I have only one more chance to get things right insofar as having a wife and family. I don’t want to blow my chance.

I might not feel this so strongly if I hadn’t been married and divorced years ago. Even though she and I had a very “friendly” divorce — which I rarely talk about — the experience left me afraid to make the same mistake again.

That’s part of the reason I’ve been engaged twice since then and backed out both times. One of those would have definitely been a mistake. I’ll never know about the other one. In each case, though, I was petrified about making a mistaken choice a second time.

(And this isn’t the time or place to get into the far broader issues of how you can ever be sure — and what you really ought to do if you’ve married the wrong person.)

One of the reasons I’ve been so afraid to make big decisions over the last decade is that I’ve wanted to know who I’d marry. I’ve wanted to live a life that would make her happy and make her proud of me. Although I have some things I definitely want, I know that every successful marriage is a blending of the goals and needs of two people.

Without knowing who she would be, I’ve been afraid to make big decisions that might limit my future choices. So I’ve waited. And I’ve wasted a lot of time.

One of the big decisions I need to make right now is where I’m going to live. Because I expect social and economic collapse in this country, my instinct is to get out. If I decide for myself alone, that’s exactly what I’ll do.

I’ve considered places in Ecuador, Panama, the Dominican Republic, Guyana and Georgia, among others. (That’s Georgia the country, not Georgia the U.S. state.) Somewhere away from the collapsing U.S. society will offer some safety that will be hard to find here in the bleak years to come.

There are tradeoffs involved with all of them — and making those tradeoffs seems impossible without knowing who’s going to be with me as I build a new life there. And on top of that, there’s the more basic issue. Will I end up with someone who has absolutely definite reasons that she must stay in the U.S.?

That’s just an example. Should I choose to live somewhere that’s fairly urban? More rural? Or what? I can make choices for myself, but not for someone who’s not with me yet.

One of the reasons it’s taken me so long to accept that I don’t have any choice but to move forward with a creative path is that I’ve been afraid of wanting to marry someone who couldn’t accept that uncertain path. I thought I would have been willing to choose occupations that could be more financially stable and provide higher income — if that’s what she needed.

I’ve finally made the painful (and scary) decision that I must follow my creative needs, and what that means is that I can’t marry someone if she’s not willing to accept a husband who’s a writer/filmmaker/thinker/weirdo who’s trying to change minds and hearts more than trying to build a safe bank account.

If I knew who my future wife was going to be, I would be willing to make decisions that took her into account. But since I don’t know who she’s going to be, I’m fearful that whatever I decide will preclude a love that I really need.

I know I shouldn’t allow this, but it’s where I am. I’m paralyzed by the fear of losing what I need the most by making a decision that leads away from where I should be and who I should be with. (Whatever that is and whoever she is.)

I have to decide something. I know that I must move forward soon. I can’t spend another decade treading water and hoping to know the right choices. I’m going to have to choose a door — and accept that any door I choose might close half a dozen other doors.

I know I have to make some choices. Very soon. But I’m afraid of losing out on what I really need most. I haven’t yet figured out how to resolve this paralysis, but the time is coming when I must choose — and close off the other doors forever.