I’m paralyzed by fear my choices won’t match needs of future wife

By David McElroy · January 16, 2022

I’ve been treading water in my life — not sure which way to go — for roughly a decade.

If you’ve read what I’ve said lately, you know that I’m ready to finally change that. In some audio last week, I explained why I have to stop trying to be what other people might want me to be. A few days ago, I shared with you the specifics of a couple of short films I’m working on, even though they scare me.

But I’m still paralyzed by fear of taking steps that could close off certain choices forever. There are a dozen doors through which I could go right now. Probably many more than that. But choosing one of those doors will close some of the other doors forever.

I’m afraid of making the wrong choices. I’m afraid of choosing a path that will take me somewhere that doesn’t match the needs of whoever I might marry in the future. What if my choice takes me away from someone I love?

I feel as though I have only one more chance to get things right insofar as having a wife and family. I don’t want to blow my chance.

I might not feel this so strongly if I hadn’t been married and divorced years ago. Even though she and I had a very “friendly” divorce — which I rarely talk about — the experience left me afraid to make the same mistake again.

That’s part of the reason I’ve been engaged twice since then and backed out both times. One of those would have definitely been a mistake. I’ll never know about the other one. In each case, though, I was petrified about making a mistaken choice a second time.

(And this isn’t the time or place to get into the far broader issues of how you can ever be sure — and what you really ought to do if you’ve married the wrong person.)

One of the reasons I’ve been so afraid to make big decisions over the last decade is that I’ve wanted to know who I’d marry. I’ve wanted to live a life that would make her happy and make her proud of me. Although I have some things I definitely want, I know that every successful marriage is a blending of the goals and needs of two people.

Without knowing who she would be, I’ve been afraid to make big decisions that might limit my future choices. So I’ve waited. And I’ve wasted a lot of time.

One of the big decisions I need to make right now is where I’m going to live. Because I expect social and economic collapse in this country, my instinct is to get out. If I decide for myself alone, that’s exactly what I’ll do.

I’ve considered places in Ecuador, Panama, the Dominican Republic, Guyana and Georgia, among others. (That’s Georgia the country, not Georgia the U.S. state.) Somewhere away from the collapsing U.S. society will offer some safety that will be hard to find here in the bleak years to come.

There are tradeoffs involved with all of them — and making those tradeoffs seems impossible without knowing who’s going to be with me as I build a new life there. And on top of that, there’s the more basic issue. Will I end up with someone who has absolutely definite reasons that she must stay in the U.S.?

That’s just an example. Should I choose to live somewhere that’s fairly urban? More rural? Or what? I can make choices for myself, but not for someone who’s not with me yet.

One of the reasons it’s taken me so long to accept that I don’t have any choice but to move forward with a creative path is that I’ve been afraid of wanting to marry someone who couldn’t accept that uncertain path. I thought I would have been willing to choose occupations that could be more financially stable and provide higher income — if that’s what she needed.

I’ve finally made the painful (and scary) decision that I must follow my creative needs, and what that means is that I can’t marry someone if she’s not willing to accept a husband who’s a writer/filmmaker/thinker/weirdo who’s trying to change minds and hearts more than trying to build a safe bank account.

If I knew who my future wife was going to be, I would be willing to make decisions that took her into account. But since I don’t know who she’s going to be, I’m fearful that whatever I decide will preclude a love that I really need.

I know I shouldn’t allow this, but it’s where I am. I’m paralyzed by the fear of losing what I need the most by making a decision that leads away from where I should be and who I should be with. (Whatever that is and whoever she is.)

I have to decide something. I know that I must move forward soon. I can’t spend another decade treading water and hoping to know the right choices. I’m going to have to choose a door — and accept that any door I choose might close half a dozen other doors.

I know I have to make some choices. Very soon. But I’m afraid of losing out on what I really need most. I haven’t yet figured out how to resolve this paralysis, but the time is coming when I must choose — and close off the other doors forever.

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We are ruled by the dumbest and most incompetent people among us — and we have a system which allows stupid and irresponsible people to force the costs of their idiocy onto smarter and wiser people. Can we get away with that? Yes, for quite some time. But we eventually reach a point at which the dumbest of the dumb — who are habitual liars and mentally ill fools — lead us to the disasters and destruction that some of us have seen coming for years. We are approaching that point. And yet most of the idiots around us still wave their rhetorical banners of support for the evil people who are leading us to ruin — and all of them point their fingers at someone else, never noticing that their own enthusiastic support of evil is to blame. When things finally fall apart, blame yourself for your blindness to the evil, not whoever happens to be in power when it happens.

I’ve been making some changes to the site lately and there are more changes coming in the days ahead, so don’t be surprised if you some small differences. This is not a wholesale redesign, but rather the addition of some features. Since they’re smarter than I am, I’ve put Oliver and Alex in charge of the technical work, which you can see in this action photo from the control room of our media complex. I recently added a series of landing pages for readers who randomly discover the site from an Internet search. I’ve also changed the YouTube link at the top of the page to go to the new YouTube channel for video essays that reflect things I’ve already published here. (Here’s a little bit about both of the YouTube channels I’m working on.) In addition, I’m trying to move away from using Instagram, so I’m experimenting with photo plug-ins that will eventually allow me to host the pictures — cats, dogs, sunsets, whatever — that I often take. So don’t be surprised to see more changes. Thanks for your patience. Let’s hope Alex and Oliver know what they’re doing.

I have no use for the theocratic and repressive government of Iran. The people who run the country are cruel at best and evil at worst. The Iranian people deserve freedom. But I have no personal quarrel with anybody in Iran. While I’m not thrilled about a future Iranian government having nuclear weapons, I’m just as concerned about nukes in the hands of politicians in Israel, Pakistan, India, China and Russia. I’m not even thrilled with the U.S., Britain and France having them, either, because I don’t trust any politicians to be responsible with such terrible weapons. All I can say with certainty is that American taxpayers have no business attacking Iran, especially since we’re being forced to pay for this attack in order to benefit the politicians of Israel — and nobody else. If Middle Eastern countries want to fight among themselves, that’s none of my business. It’s not the business of the U.S. government, either. I have no quarrel with anybody in Iran — and having the government which claims to represent me launch an unprovoked attack against a sovereign country will only make all Americans less safe in the near future. This attack is poorly conceived and morally unjustified. Remember that when the Iranians launch attacks that we will then condemn as “terrorism.” What the U.S. is doing right now looks like terrorism to me. And let’s not forget that the attack is the latest in a long line of unconstitutional wars by various U.S. presidents — who have no legal power to declare war on their own, according to the U.S. Constitution.

A child having a tantrum understands only one thing: Did I get my way or not? He doesn’t understand the issues involved. He doesn’t understand the reasons that went into a decision. He doesn’t understand any of the things that mature and reasonable adults have to understand in order to live healthy lives. By his reaction to the U.S. Supreme Court’s ruling to strike down his disastrous tariff scheme, Donald Trump shows himself to be — once more — a screaming child having a tantrum. Outside the world of mob bosses who expect to get their way every time, normal adults don’t act this way, but Trump isn’t normal. He’s an angry and vengeful man who has narcissistic personality disorder. And we are in danger as a result. Trump doesn’t understand the legal issues involved in this ruling. He doesn’t understand economics. He doesn’t understand rule of law. He doesn’t understand that he can ever be wrong. All he understands is that he didn’t get his way. And he is now a narcissistic and raging little boy who also happens to hold life-and-death power over most humans on this planet. He’s dangerous — and the system which gives him that power is even more dangerous.

Is it an attempt to blur the gender line between men and women? Or is it some weird tribute to the traditional Scottish kilt? It’s hard to say, but fashion designers keep pushing for men to wear skirts in the last few years. Both men and women in modern fashion seem oddly androgynous, as though it would be offensive for a man to look manly or for a woman to look feminine. A CNN article about the latest fashions from Paris caught my attention Monday and left me wondering about the ugly clothes the designers are hawking. If a man wants to wear a skirt — or a kilt — that’s OK with me, but I’ll stick with a traditional dark suit with a white shirt and tie. (Well, when I’m not wearing t-shirts and sweats, of course.) I always wonder who actually buys the outlandish garb from fashion designers anyway. I would be humiliated to be seen in any of this stuff, but I obviously have no sense of high fashion.

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