Top secret weapon for homeland security: the ‘Sno-Cone’ machine

There’s been a serious breach in the secrecy of U.S. homeland security. A small newspaper in Michigan has accidentally leaked a key part of U.S. defense strategy. I’m hoping that “the terrorists” haven’t noticed yet, so let’s just keep this between you and me.

What’s the big secret? OK. Is it just us good guys listening? No dirty terrorists around? Good. Here’s the scoop. No pun intended.

The U.S. Department of Homeland Security is equipping counties all over the United States with Arctic Blast Sno-Cone machines. The pilot program is with 13 counties in Michigan, and that’s where the unfortunate secrecy leak happened. Here’s what those traitors at the newspaper were vile enough to report:

Montcalm County recently received a $900 Arctic Blast Sno-Cone machine.

The West Michigan Shoreline Regional Development Commission (WMSRDC) is a federal- and state-designated agency responsible for managing and administrating the homeland security program in Montcalm County and 12 other counties.

The WMSRDC recently purchased and transferred homeland security equipment to these counties — including 13 snow cone machines at a total cost of $11,700.

The machines were funded by a grant from the Michigan Homeland Security Program. The request for a snow cone machine came from another county, but all 13 counties received them.

Are you starting to get the picture here? The government is buying “snow cone machines” for counties. Yeah, right. Who would believe that one? They’re obviously secret weapons. There’s no other explanation.

Now, I can’t tell you how these weapons work. Maybe it’s been determined that because terrorists who come from the Middle East have been raised with so much sand, maybe they’re scared of ice. Or maybe there’s a top secret chemical in the ice and it will lure the unsuspecting terrorists into turning themselves in, confessing and the pledging allegiance to the American flag. Or maybe there’s really not any ice in the machines. Maybe the refrigeration unit simply cools a tiny nuclear powered laser cannon that somehow knows who’s been naughty or nice.

Even if I knew how these weapons work, I couldn’t tell you, because that would be a breach of national security. This stuff is so secret that only that one small newspaper has let it slip — and I figured the writer will be jailed and sent to Guantanamo at any moment for the offense. (It could be worse. She could have been killed by an armed drone.)

Now I know you’re wondering why I’m so confident that this is a new secret weapon, and I’ll tell you. This is either a powerful new secret weapon or the government is just wasting massive amounts of money again by buying things we don’t need (or want) and calling it national security.

Since I’m sure the government would never use national security as an excuse to spend money, it has to be a secret weapon. It just has to be.