It’s been years since I figured out that my father was a narcissist. It’s been years since I started understanding the effects he had on me — how he warped my mind and damaged me at my core. And every time I start thinking that I’ve already dealt with the lingering legacy of his dysfunctional programming, I see something in myself that reminds me that he’s still inside me — in ways that might never change — and that I have to constantly watch for bits and pieces of his dysfunction to come out in me.
I was driving home from work this evening when it happened again. I started thinking about doing something that was nominally a good thing to do — but then I realized what my motivation was. I realized that I was once again trying to prove to myself that I was a good person. The old programming had kicked in once more.
This is the next in a series of videos dealing with issues that come up for me to think about as I write a book about my childhood experience of growing up with a narcissistic father. You can visit that YouTube channel to subscribe to future videos. (Liking and subscribing help me quite a bit in helping others to see the videos.) Or you can watch the most recent video below.

Lives change in moments of truth when we stop lying to ourselves
Could we stop being disappointed by just understanding each other?
Since I’ve lost status I once had, it’s a shock to see I want it back
Words I wrote as idealistic teen suggest I’m still the same inside
Mom of out-of-control teen thug must share blame for ugly arrest
My need to win isn’t pretty, but it’s key to who I’ve always been
We’re neither friends nor enemies, just strangers who share the past
Police won’t do their job, but they’ll ticket you for doing it for them
Desperate need to be special drives me to try to matter to those I love