In order to show how much they care, the folks in the White House have set up a website for people to make petitions about issues they care about. What the politicians didn’t count on was someone using their system to satirize how vapid and condescending the actual responses are.
Any sane and realistic person knows that the administration doesn’t care how many petitions you sign. (It’s not just this one, of course. No administration cares about petitions, contrary to what many people assume.) It’s only interested in how many votes you can deliver and how many dollars you can give.
For the rest of us, they’re just interested in placating us. They’ll pretend to listen. They’ll write boilerplate responses. They might even promise a pony sometimes. But it’s not going to change reality.
The White House petition system is for PR purposes, pure and simple. We all know that. And when politicians go through the motions of pretending to take us seriously, it’s condescending. So here’s a petition that I hope you’ll actually consider signing:
The free market: It’s not just for greedy, rich white capitalists
I’m slowly learning how to be contented as an ordinary man
Today is surgery for me; I’ll give you news and be back when I can

Federal budget numbers too big to comprehend? This makes it simple
As world descends into madness, back away and guard your heart
Freedom of the press is for everyone, not just those recognized by feds
It’s great to visit Memory Lane, but it’s fatal to try to live there
Hurt people hurt people, and it’s hard to forgive that in ourselves
If you knew when you would die, would that affect how you lived?