In order to show how much they care, the folks in the White House have set up a website for people to make petitions about issues they care about. What the politicians didn’t count on was someone using their system to satirize how vapid and condescending the actual responses are.
Any sane and realistic person knows that the administration doesn’t care how many petitions you sign. (It’s not just this one, of course. No administration cares about petitions, contrary to what many people assume.) It’s only interested in how many votes you can deliver and how many dollars you can give.
For the rest of us, they’re just interested in placating us. They’ll pretend to listen. They’ll write boilerplate responses. They might even promise a pony sometimes. But it’s not going to change reality.
The White House petition system is for PR purposes, pure and simple. We all know that. And when politicians go through the motions of pretending to take us seriously, it’s condescending. So here’s a petition that I hope you’ll actually consider signing:
AUDIO: Without mastering ideas, we’re all blind leading the blind
Sex is everywhere in our culture, but we’re starved for intimacy
More dependence ahead now that half of households get U.S. checks

Freedom matters more than safety, even if you can’t see that
What if our craving for dopamine drives our desires and addictions?
Why are we uncomfortable when other people aren’t much like us?
I need responsibility for slaying dragons to protect those I love
Promises from childhood don’t always serve our needs today
Hearing what your gut whispers might save you from wrong path