David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

David McElroy

Briefly: Your words of sincere praise can make someone’s day

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As I pulled out of my driveway Monday, I glanced over at my neighbor’s yard and saw that she had dozens of bright yellow and red flowers looking gorgeous in the bright spring sunlight. I picked up my phone and called Cora as I drove so I could tell her how beautiful her yard looks today and how much I appreciate the work she’s done. I could hear the joy in her voice as she explained that she had gotten away from gardening since her husband’s death five years ago shattered her world. She said this is the first year she’s tried to get back to what she used to do — and she was proud as a peacock to have someone notice. “You have made my day, David,” she said with sincerity. The call didn’t take more than 60 seconds, but I had told her something honest that she needed to hear — and she was happy. It reminded me again that we have the power to make other people happy if we choose to care about them and express the words they need to hear. Whose day can you change today?

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Time with couple reminds me how much I miss good conversation

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When I got to my friend’s house Sunday afternoon, I didn’t know his wife was going to be there. I hadn’t seen him in awhile and we had some things to talk about. We normally communicate by email or text, and I was looking forward to sitting down with him in person for the first time in several years.

It turned out that his wife joined us and we spent the next three hours having the best conversation I have had in a long time.

We had a wide-ranging discussion that covered bits and pieces of things ranging from psychology and family history to the nature of reality and the future of the human race, but all of it was very personal and every piece connected back to everything else. For me, it was a bit like being offered a hit of my favorite addictive drug.

I left feeling grateful for the time I spent with them — and it left me craving the meaningful conversation which I need from a romantic relationship.

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For all my life, I’ve hidden anger in order to be ‘perfect’ to others

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When I was going through some serious therapy about 10 years ago, I noticed something that alarmed me. At random times — maybe driving down the road — I would suddenly feel flashes of extreme anger which left me shaking and confused.

When this happened, I never seemed to have anything specific to feel angry about. It just felt as though something had slightly opened a lid on something which was normally locked up tightly.

This anger scared me, because I had never felt anything like it. For my entire life, I have rarely allowed myself to feel anger of any kind. I’ve always had my feelings completely under control. Even when something was going on that would elicit rage from others, I was always under control and focused on a rational reaction. Under pressure, I was a lot like Star Trek’s Mr. Spock.

The feelings which were washing over me randomly at the time — and which I still feel every now and then — made me seem to be feeling just the tiniest bit of the anger I had been repressing for my entire life. I had never even known it was there.

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