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For more than seven years now, I’ve been living in a cage — but the cage always had an open door. I could fly away anytime I wanted.

But I didn’t want to leave the cage. I was waiting for a woman I loved. I was waiting for someone else to change. I lied to myself. I angrily told myself — at times — that I wasn’t waiting for her. But something in me believed — against all evidence — that she was going to be the love I needed. Any day now. And so I waited and waited, wasting years of my life.

I can admit that to myself now. What’s been harder to admit is that I’ve been making excuses for behavior that hurt me. I would have told anybody else that her behavior showed she didn’t care and wouldn’t care, not in the ways that her words had said she did.

But I needed to believe in her. I needed to believe in her love. So I made excuses for her.

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OK, so it’s an exaggeration to say I want to talk to you about the end of the world. I’m not really a street preacher telling you that the end is near. But I’ve been clear for a long time that I believe our own dysfunctional culture is heading toward inevitable collapse — socially, economically and politically.

Sometime last year, I announced plans to relaunch my YouTube channel as DavidMcElroy.TV, with video content discussing what we need to do to prepare for that future. But I didn’t do it. I explained the reasons in detail here, but I’m finally making a short video to talk about it.

On the spur of the moment, I made a quick and dirty video just to share my current thinking with you. I made it in one take, with absolutely no preparation. The background has a wrinkle in it and that needs to be fixed before I record more, but I didn’t want to give myself another excuse tonight to delay.

So click below if you’d like to hear what’s on my mind about the video that I still need to launch — whether I’m ready or not.

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My secret shame is that I need your attention.

I don’t like admitting that, but I can’t help myself. It’s not just an egotistical desire. It’s a craving — for attention, approval and love. I don’t like feeling this way. I’ve beaten myself up about it for years and tried to shame myself into changing, but I’m not sure I can. I’m still struggling to figure this out.

My ex-wife had an insightful observation years ago. As we talked one time about what I should do with my future, she said that whatever I did, it had to be something with an “applause factor.” She pointed out that I was driven by the applause I get — metaphorically speaking — from my work.

Her insight was that I was not going to be happy unless I could do something that would be on public display — and that people could give me approval for.

I had never consciously been aware of this, but I knew she was right. I’m always watching my audience — consciously or unconsciously — out of the corner of my eye. Are they watching? Do they like me? Will they love me? I need applause just as much as I need food, water and air — but I don’t feel shame about needing food, water and air.

I feel a strong sense of shame about needing your attention. And now I don’t even know who my audience is anymore.

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