In order to show how much they care, the folks in the White House have set up a website for people to make petitions about issues they care about. What the politicians didn’t count on was someone using their system to satirize how vapid and condescending the actual responses are.
Any sane and realistic person knows that the administration doesn’t care how many petitions you sign. (It’s not just this one, of course. No administration cares about petitions, contrary to what many people assume.) It’s only interested in how many votes you can deliver and how many dollars you can give.
For the rest of us, they’re just interested in placating us. They’ll pretend to listen. They’ll write boilerplate responses. They might even promise a pony sometimes. But it’s not going to change reality.
The White House petition system is for PR purposes, pure and simple. We all know that. And when politicians go through the motions of pretending to take us seriously, it’s condescending. So here’s a petition that I hope you’ll actually consider signing:
All offers eventually expire, so do your best to ‘come before winter’
Do five big beer companies force Native Americans to abuse alcohol?
NYC cop’s profanity-laden threats secretly caught on videotape

Our inexplicable behavior ‘signals’ to the world who and what we are
I don’t like most people in TV ads, but I can’t tell if it’s them or me
In bad times, human nature starts looking for some new scapegoats
I’m a liar — and you are, too; most of all, we lie to ourselves
What are you likely to regret when it’s too late to change?