What’s the point of a secret crush if heart isn’t ready to accept love?

By David McElroy · November 21, 2017

Thanksgiving has taken on an entirely different meaning for me lately. Three years ago, I was in the midst of intense love — something I thought was going to last for a lifetime. And then it was over in a flash, leaving me bewildered and hurt.

Each time Thanksgiving week rolls around now, it brings a bittersweet swirl of intense feelings — a remembrance of sweet love mixed with the bitter pain of loss. I’m not sure which feeling is stronger, but every bit of it is powerfully intense.

I was lost in my thoughts as I left the office for lunch today. Since it’s two days before Thanksgiving, few people are on campus, so the lobby was empty and silent as I walked through.

As I was about to step out of the building, I realized someone else was approaching from the other side of the lobby, so I absent-mindedly held the door as this woman approached. Then I noticed it was someone I hadn’t seen lately.

Allison used to stop by my office a lot last year, enough that I felt as though I knew her pretty well. She had talked with me about an ex-boyfriend, one who I encouraged her to dump because he treated her badly. (He even treated her cat badly. Don’t ever trust a person who treats animals poorly.) When she had told me last year that she had dumped the guy, I’d been happy for her.

Allison is tall and beautiful, at least to my way of thinking. She has gorgeous blue eyes and striking blonde hair. In our culture, some people wouldn’t see her as beautiful simply because she’s bigger than the waif-life standards of the day. She’s six feet tall and has a body style halfway between athletic and chubby, but I find her very attractive. She’s in her late 20s and she’s close to graduating from here.

“Allison, where have you been?” I asked as she got close enough for me to hug her. I was genuinely happy to see her. “Did you drop out of school or something? I haven’t seen you all semester.”

She told me she was still in school but she had been busy. I asked what she had been so busy with. She just smiled a broad smile and held up her left hand to show me a diamond engagement ring.

She explained that she had met a man last summer while she wasn’t taking any classes and they had dated ever since. He had just given her the ring a few days ago. She was obviously happy.

“Oh, darn,” I joked. “I’ve missed my chance with you. I’m just sorry you never had a thing for fat older men.”

We both laughed and then she smiled warmly.

“It’s funny that you say that,” she said. “I used to have the worst crush on you last year. I kept dropping hints, but you never seemed interested and then I met Nick.”

In a split second, several thoughts went through my mind, but the biggest one was disappointment. Why hadn’t I noticed this romantic interest of hers? What clues had I missed?

I felt stunned and frustrated. Why hadn’t I noticed? How much different might my life be if I’d realized her interest and started dating her? Maybe she could have been engaged to me instead of Nick. Everything could have been different.

But in the long moment before I responded — as I looked into those beautiful blue eyes — I realized that nothing would have been different if I had known of her interest at the time.

We chatted a bit more — and I said all the right things — and then we went our separate ways. I got into my car and sat there thinking about what I’d just heard — and what I’d felt.

By all practical considerations, Allison would have been a great match for me. She’s smart, funny, beautiful and creative. We share a lot in common. It would make sense, at least in my head.

But she’s not what my heart wants. And my heart is stubborn.

If I had known of her interest last year, I might have forced myself to be interested in return. At the very least, I would have been flattered. My ego would have enjoyed it. I might have gone out with her. I might have even enjoyed her company. But I could never have been fair to her.

My heart was already occupied.

I can love only one person at a time and I don’t seem to have any say about who my stubborn heart loves. Even if she doesn’t want me, my heart waits for a phone call that my brain knows will never come. Until my heart gives up, nobody else has a chance with me. Even Allison.

I’m flattered that Allison was interested in me. That Nick guy is lucky to have her. I never consciously noticed that she was interested, but I see now it would have made no difference.

When Allison and I talked last year, my mind was right there with her — but my heart was a thousand miles away. That’s why I never noticed. And that’s why this is another bittersweet Thanksgiving week for me. All alone.

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We are ruled by the dumbest and most incompetent people among us — and we have a system which allows stupid and irresponsible people to force the costs of their idiocy onto smarter and wiser people. Can we get away with that? Yes, for quite some time. But we eventually reach a point at which the dumbest of the dumb — who are habitual liars and mentally ill fools — lead us to the disasters and destruction that some of us have seen coming for years. We are approaching that point. And yet most of the idiots around us still wave their rhetorical banners of support for the evil people who are leading us to ruin — and all of them point their fingers at someone else, never noticing that their own enthusiastic support of evil is to blame. When things finally fall apart, blame yourself for your blindness to the evil, not whoever happens to be in power when it happens.

I’ve been making some changes to the site lately and there are more changes coming in the days ahead, so don’t be surprised if you some small differences. This is not a wholesale redesign, but rather the addition of some features. Since they’re smarter than I am, I’ve put Oliver and Alex in charge of the technical work, which you can see in this action photo from the control room of our media complex. I recently added a series of landing pages for readers who randomly discover the site from an Internet search. I’ve also changed the YouTube link at the top of the page to go to the new YouTube channel for video essays that reflect things I’ve already published here. (Here’s a little bit about both of the YouTube channels I’m working on.) In addition, I’m trying to move away from using Instagram, so I’m experimenting with photo plug-ins that will eventually allow me to host the pictures — cats, dogs, sunsets, whatever — that I often take. So don’t be surprised to see more changes. Thanks for your patience. Let’s hope Alex and Oliver know what they’re doing.

I have no use for the theocratic and repressive government of Iran. The people who run the country are cruel at best and evil at worst. The Iranian people deserve freedom. But I have no personal quarrel with anybody in Iran. While I’m not thrilled about a future Iranian government having nuclear weapons, I’m just as concerned about nukes in the hands of politicians in Israel, Pakistan, India, China and Russia. I’m not even thrilled with the U.S., Britain and France having them, either, because I don’t trust any politicians to be responsible with such terrible weapons. All I can say with certainty is that American taxpayers have no business attacking Iran, especially since we’re being forced to pay for this attack in order to benefit the politicians of Israel — and nobody else. If Middle Eastern countries want to fight among themselves, that’s none of my business. It’s not the business of the U.S. government, either. I have no quarrel with anybody in Iran — and having the government which claims to represent me launch an unprovoked attack against a sovereign country will only make all Americans less safe in the near future. This attack is poorly conceived and morally unjustified. Remember that when the Iranians launch attacks that we will then condemn as “terrorism.” What the U.S. is doing right now looks like terrorism to me. And let’s not forget that the attack is the latest in a long line of unconstitutional wars by various U.S. presidents — who have no legal power to declare war on their own, according to the U.S. Constitution.

A child having a tantrum understands only one thing: Did I get my way or not? He doesn’t understand the issues involved. He doesn’t understand the reasons that went into a decision. He doesn’t understand any of the things that mature and reasonable adults have to understand in order to live healthy lives. By his reaction to the U.S. Supreme Court’s ruling to strike down his disastrous tariff scheme, Donald Trump shows himself to be — once more — a screaming child having a tantrum. Outside the world of mob bosses who expect to get their way every time, normal adults don’t act this way, but Trump isn’t normal. He’s an angry and vengeful man who has narcissistic personality disorder. And we are in danger as a result. Trump doesn’t understand the legal issues involved in this ruling. He doesn’t understand economics. He doesn’t understand rule of law. He doesn’t understand that he can ever be wrong. All he understands is that he didn’t get his way. And he is now a narcissistic and raging little boy who also happens to hold life-and-death power over most humans on this planet. He’s dangerous — and the system which gives him that power is even more dangerous.

Is it an attempt to blur the gender line between men and women? Or is it some weird tribute to the traditional Scottish kilt? It’s hard to say, but fashion designers keep pushing for men to wear skirts in the last few years. Both men and women in modern fashion seem oddly androgynous, as though it would be offensive for a man to look manly or for a woman to look feminine. A CNN article about the latest fashions from Paris caught my attention Monday and left me wondering about the ugly clothes the designers are hawking. If a man wants to wear a skirt — or a kilt — that’s OK with me, but I’ll stick with a traditional dark suit with a white shirt and tie. (Well, when I’m not wearing t-shirts and sweats, of course.) I always wonder who actually buys the outlandish garb from fashion designers anyway. I would be humiliated to be seen in any of this stuff, but I obviously have no sense of high fashion.

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