Without things to look forward to, the human heart gets ready to die

By David McElroy · April 18, 2019

When I was a child, one of the highlights of my year was getting the Sears Christmas Wish Book. For about six weeks before Christmas, my sisters and I would go through that catalog over and over again, choosing exactly what we wanted and marking our top choices.

I remember wanting walkie-talkies and chemistry sets and electronics kits, among other things. There were always things I hoped for. Some years, I even got what I wanted.

Did I enjoy the gifts I got? Very much. I have fond memories of playing with other kids in the neighborhood with my walkie-talkies. I fascinated myself for many hours as I learned about electronics. And I joyfully mixed up disgusting things with my chemistry set. (I tried to dye the hair of one of my sister’s dolls, but I somehow turned the plastic hair green. Ooops.)

As much as I enjoyed playing with the things I got for Christmas, though, the gifts never matched the excitement and anticipation of looking forward to Christmas. Eventually, I came to understand that having something to look forward to is even more important than the things I have at the moment.

I have this on my mind today because I keep thinking about some of the things I read in my father’s journals from the last couple of years of his life. (I mentioned some of this in my discussion Wednesday of the anniversary of his death.)

“Very down and depressed most of the time now,” he wrote on Oct. 26, 2017. “Think often of death and possibility of taking my life. I have nothing to live for or look forward to.”

He lived in a very nice home in an upscale suburban neighborhood. (He rented from a couple who lived in the rest of the house and they became his friends.) He didn’t lack for the material things he needed to live out his days. But he had nothing to look forward to, so he wanted to die.

There are a lot of things which I don’t have that I want in my life right now. I don’t live in the sort of neighborhood I want. I don’t have the sort of house I want. I don’t have the wife and family I want. I don’t have the income I want. I don’t have the achievements I want.

But I have something that might be more important than all of that. I have hope and faith. I believe I’m going to have all the things I want — and I eagerly look forward to having each and every item on my list. And more.

A psychologist once told me that resilience was the only thing that had saved me from the burden of the emotional trauma which I had experienced early in life.

“I’ve never known anyone who was more resilient than you are,” she said. “You always find a way to take every setback and traumatic event and reinterpret it so it will mean you have a future to look forward to.”

I hadn’t thought about it before. I just assumed everyone did that.

I’ve had some serious disappointments over the years. As I dug deeper into my emotional health, I found all sorts of damage to overcome. As I worked on those issues, I sometimes found myself headed down roads which I wouldn’t have planned to take.

Objectively, I should feel despair about some of the things I’ve gone through, but I don’t. Why? Just because I honestly expect to have the things I want before long. I expect to find love with the right woman. I expect to have a family of some kind with her. I expect to achieve a series of financial and creative goals that I have in mind.

As I look at my father’s depressed journal notes, I realize that he created a life he hated — and he didn’t think he had anything to look forward to. That lack of hope depressed him and it eventually killed him.

His death certificate didn’t say he killed himself, but the choices he made meant slow suicide.

I want more in life than I have right now, but I never want to get to the point that I have everything I could possibly want. If I ever do, I fear that I might start dying quickly, too.

Fortunately, I have a lot left to accomplish. I have a long way to go. I have many years of love and achievements to look forward to.

Despair can bring death to a physically healthy person — but hope can bring life.

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I haven’t posted anything new in my YouTube series about narcissism in the last couple of weeks, so some people have been asking about it. There’s nothing wrong and I’ll be back soon. The issue is simply a technical problem because of a piece of equipment that died. Here’s a brief video I posted on YouTube to explain.

On a live awards show Sunday night, one man made a joke about a female celebrity. The husband of the celebrity was offended and hit the man who made the joke. Or maybe it was staged for entertainment. Who knows? Who cares? Social media is full of discussion — and even arguments — about this idiocy today. This baffles me. Let’s assume for a moment that the event happened as reported. People have been having such idiotic fights ever since there have been humans. Half the bars in the world see such brief dustups regularly. It simply doesn’t matter. The fact that so many people believe they need to talk about this — or even need to have opinions about it — is more evidence of the bizarre media brainwashing that convinces many to care passionately about brain-dead trivia. Your life will be happier and saner if you focus on yourself, your family and your friends, not on whatever scripted (or spontaneous) bilge that the media wants to pipe into your home.

I’m in the middle of migrating this website to new servers this week. This means you might encounter some unexpected behavior until I get all the bugs worked out. Clicking on my links (including this one) might cause your browser to give you the message that it’s a site without a current security certificate. It’s not actually unsafe, but there’s something which isn’t yet set up for the security certificate. I apologize for any such errors you might encounter while the process is going on. If you notice any problems with content which didn’t migrate properly, I would appreciate you letting me know the details at davidmcelroy@mac.com. Thanks for your patience.

I often wonder what animals think when they look at us and consider the society we’ve created. Yes, I know this is fanciful and unrealistic, but what if they could? Would they be astounded at how we treat each other? Would they be disgusted by the ugliness and pettiness which fill so many of our daily interactions? The truth is that I’m feeling pretty disgusted with humanity tonight. I made the mistake of reading some online interactions that I should have avoided — and it sickened me. The people involved appeared to be vile and stupid and arrogant. I wish I could pretend they’re a tiny minority, but I know better. It’s times such as this when I most need to escape much of “civilization” and disconnect from their world. If humans are going to be worthy of “ruling this planet,” we have a lot of growth to do. And I fear that growth is nowhere in sight. So my buddy Thomas, above, and all of his friends would be right to judge us harshly — and to think, “Why do you folks get to be in charge?”

I should have expected this, but I honestly didn’t. The article I wrote last week about disagreements over treatment for autistic children brought me angry emails. You could almost call it “hate mail.” Of the five emails about it so far, two have been to tell me that I’m wrong to even listen to critics of the most popular therapy for autistic children — and the other three tell me I’m wrong for not condemning the treatment as the “obvious” abuse it is. If you read the article, you know I didn’t take a position on the issue, because I simply don’t know enough to have an opinion. But by talking about the issue, I stepped into a heated controversy. The emails from the two sides convinced me of nothing. But they did give me even more empathy for the unfortunate parents who have to figure out for themselves where the truth lies for their children.

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