In the middle of world’s madness, happiness makes me think of her

By David McElroy · September 20, 2020

I call my Lucy the World’s Happiest Dog. Maybe you can see why.

She’s never in a bad mood. She’s always thrilled to see me. She doesn’t care what we do — as long as she gets to spend time with me. She’s loving and gentle, but above all else, she’s happy. All the time.

I haven’t been happy for a long time. The world seems to have gone mad. My life is nothing like I want it to be. I feel as though I’ve lost control over my direction. Nothing is as I want it to be.

But tonight, I am happy. Do I need a reason to feel happy?

Maybe it’s the crisp autumn weather that’s just arrived in Birmingham this weekend. Maybe it’s the feeling of peace that comes from slowly working through deeper issues. I don’t know. All I know is that I’m happy tonight. I feel the way Lucy always acts.

And in my happiness, my thoughts turn to a woman. I’m happy enough that all I want is to share my happiness with her. Even though I can’t.

I don’t know why I feel this way tonight. Nothing has changed.

I’m still alone. I’m still way off track. I’m still seemingly lost and confused about where I’m going. I know all that. I’m not in denial.

But still, I’m sitting here alone — with the World’s Happiness Dog waiting to take a walk — and I just want to feel this happiness flow over me like waves of liquid joy. I want to pick up the phone and call someone I can’t call. I want to hear her voice. I want to see her, hold her hand, walk with her, watch a movie with her. It doesn’t matter.

I just want to share happiness with her.

I still don’t like what I know I have to do tomorrow and the next day and the next day. I’m not happy with my house and my environment. I’m unhappy with a lot of what I have allowed myself to become lately.

But in the middle of all this, I want to tell her I love her.

I still believe the world is falling apart. I still know that the economy is heading toward collapse that will devastate all of us. I know we’re closer to civil unrest in bigger ways than most people realize. Yes, I still get all this. I know it’s coming and I know I can’t stop it.

But despite all that, I’m happy right now. And my thoughts are full of her.

I can’t give you any reason for me to feel this way. It’s not rational. It’s not reasonable. I know all that. But for right now — try as I might to be logical — I’m happy.

For reasons that I don’t understand, happiness swells my heart. This happiness makes my heart bubble over with joy. It makes me feel love — more strongly than ever — and that love flows wherever it wants. And it flows to her. I couldn’t stop it if I wanted to.

I know all the things that normally upset me will still be there tomorrow. I know I’ll find plenty to be angry and unhappy about. I really do.

But right now, none of that matters. For now, I am happy. I’m full of love for someone who I can’t see. Can’t talk to. All I want is to share this happiness with her.

Right now, I’m happy to be alive. I’m happy that she’s alive. And I want her heart to share the happiness and love and joy that are filling my heart and overwhelming my soul.

Happiness is too powerful to experience alone. It needs to be shared — and I’m hoping she will somehow feel this magic and know that I’m sending her joy.

But for now, I’ll take a crisp evening walk with the World’s Happiness Dog.

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I’ve never been attracted to skinny women. There’s nothing wrong with someone who’s naturally thin, but it’s never been my preference. What has shocked me, though, is the judgment I’ve heard from women all through my life — about themselves and others — about who’s “fat.” I concluded long ago that most women in our culture have been brainwashed to believe that skinny is attractive — and that anything other than skinny is ugly. I first assumed that I was the oddball — for preferring women with bigger and heavier bodies — but I’m coming to the conclusion that most men naturally feel this way to one extent or another. I just ran across new research by a couple of Northwestern University psychology professors that shows that women seriously overestimate how much a straight man will be attracted to a skinny woman. In a perfect world, we would all be at a healthy weight, but when it comes to attractiveness, too heavy is more attractive than skinny. At least to me — and to a lot of men, too.

Years ago, I heard a question that seemed very insightful at the time. You’ve probably heard it, too. What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail? The question is intended to help you uncover things you really want to do, but which you’re afraid to try — for fear of failure. In an interview today, I heard the great marketing guru Seth Godin give a different point of view. He said the better question is to ask what you would do even if you knew it would fail. That struck me as far more insightful than the original version. We ought to be doing what we know is right, not what will maximize our success or praise from others. There are some battles that are worth fighting even if you believe you’re doomed to failure. Those battles are often for love or important ideas or our children. Some things are simply worth fighting for — and the truth is that you might win anyway. Do the right thing. Take the chance.

The more I understand about myself, about human nature and about the nature of reality, the more I realize I’m a radical by the standards of both Modernism and Postmodernism. Seeing the things which I’m stumbling toward makes me an enemy of many of the core ideas upon which contemporary culture is built. It exposes the culture as a monstrous lie — like a dangerous infection that’s slowly destroying what human were created to be. My “inner observer” has always known that truth was found in the ideas of the Enlightenment, but I’m slowly finding words to explain what has merely been instinct until now. The Enlightenment was humanity’s great leap forward, but shallow and arrogant thinkers for the next two centuries threw away the fruits of that achievement. We can’t go forward as a species until we go back to correct this intellectual and spiritual error — and part of that is acknowledging that our collective attempts to do away with our Creator will always fail.

I’ve come to believe that some of us — including me — aren’t very good at knowing how to be happy. I don’t mean that in the sense that happy talk and positive thinking should be able to make us happy regardless of the circumstances. I mean that some of us had so much experience with being unhappy when we were young that we were trained to be unhappy — and that being happy is an unconsciously uncomfortable thing. When I look at times in my past when I should have been happy, it rarely lasted. I believe now that I found reasons to be unhappy — and caused real problems for myself — because being comfortable and happy felt so foreign to my programming. If I’m right, this means that some of us have to do more than just change our circumstances. It means we have to learn how to accept the happiness that we unconsciously fear we don’t deserve.

After I wrote last night about being happy, I thought of an old song that mirrored what I was feeling. After listening to the entire album, I found it remarkable how well the emotions of that music match my own heart at this point in my life. Bob Bennett’s “Matters of the Heart” came out while I was in college. Even after all these years, it holds up really well, and you can listen to the entire album on YouTube. The specific song which matched my feelings last night was “Madness Dancing,” but I still find every song on the album to be strong with the exception of the eighth and ninth. (The song about his parents, called “1951,” is especially poignant.) In fact, the opening and closing songs paint a picture of my heart at its best now in these lines: “A light shining in this heart of darkness, A new beginning and a miracle, Day by day the integration of the concrete and the spiritual.” It’s old music that you’ve probably never heard, but it means a lot to me.

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