When people’s actions show you who they are, accept that reality

About 20 years ago, I met and dated a beautiful and charming woman. She was the stereotypical California blonde. Tall and beautiful.

I could tell she was impressed by money and material things, but I ignored that. And I quickly noticed signs that she wasn’t entirely trustworthy. I ignored that, too. Why?

Because she was beautiful and charming and intelligent. She had so much potential. If she could just change in a few specific ways, she would be the perfect woman for me.

The relationship ended quickly. She acted badly in ways that were entirely predictable. I had allowed myself to be blinded by the things that attracted me to her. If you listed all of her pluses and minuses, she might’ve scored a 90 or 95 percent. But the parts of her that were completely wrong for me were the non-negotiables.

I let myself be swayed by what I wanted to be true. She showed me — very early — who she really was. I just didn’t believe her.

Our culture loves redemption stories. We love it when we hear about people who have serious problems and then reform themselves in serious ways. The terrible human being who is saved by someone showing him or her true love is a trope of our movies and romance novels.

But the truth is that people rarely change, not in fundamental ways.

That doesn’t mean change can never happen. There can be times when a person has a dark past and experiences change on his or her own — some epiphany or religious conversion or other change of heart — and then turns his or her life around.

There can be times when a person lives with terrible values or habits for decades and then realizes this isn’t who he or she wants to be — and has the character and willpower to find the tools to fix his or her life.

Those changes happen, but far less frequently than our movies might make you think.

When real change happens for a person, it happens because that person decides — for internal reasons — that he or she wants a different life. The motivation for the change comes from a deep desire to change values or habits.

It almost never happens for a man because he is in love with a woman who wants him to be something different. If he’s selfish, he’s going to continue to be selfish. If he’s a deadbeat, he’s going to continue to be a deadbeat. If his values are all out of order, he’s going to continue to value the wrong things.

When a person is motivated by wanting to win another person, he can temporarily change how he acts. If his beloved points to his selfish act, he might remember to change that thing the next time — and then he might say, “Look! Aren’t you proud of me? I did what you wanted.”

The end result of this sort of reform is almost always the same. As soon as the supposed reformed man gets angry or frustrated or annoyed with the person for whom he’s been trying to change, he’s going right back to his old habits and values. In many cases, he will gleefully return to things he claimed to have abandoned for the sake of love.

Such externally motivated change doesn’t last because it’s not a true change of the heart. It’s just an attempt — possibly a well-meaning one — to manipulate a partner into accepting him.

In the case of my beautiful blonde girlfriend from years ago, the story was even simpler. She didn’t even get to the point that she wanted to change. She was so charming and beautiful to men that she had an endless supply of suitors. She saw no reason to change.

This isn’t really about her, though.

That woman had no obligation to change for me. Even if she had wanted to change to suit me, it would have probably ended the same way. Why? Because her core values were fundamentally different from mine.

The things I saw in her — things that came out through her behavior — were who she really was. She showed me very clearly who she was. And I ignored it, because it wasn’t what I wanted to see.

If you find that a potential partner — romantic or business or otherwise — has fundamentally different values than yours on any one of the things that are non-negotiable to you, don’t try to change that person. Don’t get mad at the person. Don’t scream or beg or manipulate.

Just accept reality.

Stop trying to change people. You’re almost certainly just creating chaos and heartbreak for both of you.