Wednesday was a terrible day for me. It started out badly when I woke up and found a picture and some text that someone had sent me in the night. Someone who I love has been depressed and suicidal for some time. There were times when it was better and times when it was worse. Right now is one of the worse times.
But this isn’t her story. Instead, it’s the story of someone who loves a depressed and suicidal person. It’s about how it’s affecting me.
All day Wednesday, I felt physically sick and mentally anxious and emotionally heartsick, simply because someone I love needs help that I don’t know how to provide.
I’ve been through things in my own life that scared me, but I’ve never been as afraid as I am now about this situation. The most recent crisis point had passed by the time I knew it was going on, but I still walked around in a daze all day. At different times, I felt fear, despair, anger and determination.
I can’t be sure how much of my fear is for her and how much is the realization that her death would destroy me. So am I feeling empathy for her or am I selfishly fearing the loss of someone I value? I keep thinking about that, but I don’t know. I’m not sure it matters, because the same outcome is in the best interest of both of us, even if she doesn’t see that now.

A muse is a crutch for an artist, but some need a crutch to walk
Cats, dogs and children teach me efficiency doesn’t always matter
Eviction moratorium is pure theft; it’s a sign of creeping socialism
Cat’s ordeal reminds me that bad things happen right under my nose
Is it abuse to force atypical kids to conform to norms of society?
God watches humanity’s struggle and says, ‘You’re doing it wrong’
Dark times on Earth trigger my emotions about Artemis launch
We repeat what we fail to repair, so I keep re-learning old lessons
I keep trying to find the light, but my choices leave me in darkness