I had dinner Saturday with a friend. She was already seated when I arrived.
“You look terrible,” she said, almost laughing. I didn’t disagree with her, but I was surprised it showed so easily.
I haven’t been sleeping well. When I do sleep, my dreams are often confusing. I wake up feeling as though I’ve been wrestling with something which leaves me exhausted. And I’ve been eating horribly, which makes it harder to sleep and makes me feel terrible when I’m awake. But I didn’t realize any of this showed on my face until my friend said so.
My life has felt lately as though I’m going through a dark hall of mirrors at a carnival. It’s not just a three-minute trip with a quick exit, though. I work here. I eat here and sleep here. Somehow, I’ve brought myself into a long nightmare in which things are distorted and scary — and I can’t find the exit.
When I woke up Saturday morning from another restless night, I found a note which I had made for myself at some point in the night. I don’t recall having this thought or making the note, but I make such notes in my sleep every now and then.
“Looking back on it now, I can see that she was afraid of intimacy,” I had written.
I must’ve been dreaming about her again.

Dead man’s watch always there to remind me of my own mortality
Dead things must be cleared away before rebirth has chance to come
Who ‘owns’ children? And who should step in when parents fail?
Insane incentives create insane results as kids are paid to attend classes
Part of me loves you dearly, but warring parts are hostile or afraid
How one woman’s grand gesture for love turned into a nightmare
Why do loving parents let schools teach kids to be conformists?
My old fear of looking foolish is strong incentive to do good work
I’m not sure what’s left to say about politics, so here’s a picture of a cat