I found myself in a time machine Monday night. My body didn’t move, but my mind and my heart were transported to the years when I was a teen-ager.
I didn’t mean to take this trip into the past. I ran across a YouTube video promising snippets of the most popular song from every month of the decade of my youth. I was curious whether I’d know all the songs. It never occurred to me that the music would awaken something disturbing.
At first, I didn’t feel anything out of the ordinary. Then the songs reached the years when I was about 14, 15 and 16.
All of a sudden, I was feeling emotions I had experienced during those years. Some of the sounds awakened specific memories. My mind was a blur. What I didn’t expect was the flood of emotions.
I can talk clinically about the experience of growing up with a narcissistic father and an absent mother. I can outline the ways this affected me, but I almost always talk about it with the matter-of-fact tone of reciting facts.
What I felt tonight wasn’t about reason or psychology or dry narrative. It was a flood of feelings such as fear and shame and pain. They were emotions I was too terrified to openly feel at the time.

Intellectual honesty mostly dead — but few partisans even care
This mortal life swings between lonely misery and loving paradise
Meeting with dead man left me pondering choices of life, death
Maybe it’s so hard to love others because we don’t love ourselves
A broken heart is devastating, but closing yourself to love is worse
The more I see of death, the more determined I am to live life fully