David McElroy

Note: This article was published on April 1, 2012, which should give you a hint about how seriously to take it.

There’s shocking proof today that GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney is an agent for a shadowy Illuminati/Masonic conspiracy to take over the United States. The explosive revelation comes from Buck Weazer, president of Democracy United Motherland Mighty Investigative Enlightenment Services (DUMMIES).

“I have in my hand the names of 872 paid agents of the Illuminati who are members of the media and work as election officials,” Weazer said. “Those people have successfully rigged these primaries so far and covered up the fact that 94.6 percent of the public is really voting for Ron Paul. I mean, do you personally know anyone who’s for Romney? I don’t, either. It’s a conspiracy.”

Weazer, seen below with his cat, Lulabelle, said the conspiracy involved several groups working together under the code name Operation Purple Monkey. Elements of the Illuminati, the Masons, the Bilderberg Group and the Girl Scouts have been planning this operation since 1992.

The man we know today as Romney was originally a Polish actor who was discovered on the Warsaw stage. He had an uncanny natural resemblance to the real Mitt Romney, so a little bit of plastic surgery was all that was required to make him completely look the part.

The switch was made during a sacred pagan ritual at the Bohemian Grove in California in 1994. While all of the participants were stripping their clothes off for the naked dance in the moonlight to the Goddess Hilda, the fake Romney was brought in as just another anonymous naked man. (See photo evidence above from changing clothes.) When the ceremony was over, the fake Romney put on the real Romney’s clothes and the real one was whisked away for confinement at a secret FEMA camp located a mile and a half south of Walmart in Seward, Neb.

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While walking down a street one day, a U.S. senator was hit by a bus and died. His soul arrived at the gates of heaven, where he was met by St. Peter.

“Welcome to heaven,” St. Peter said. “Before we let you settle in, it seems there’s a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem,” the man said. “Just let me in.”

“Well, I’d like to,” said St. Peter, “but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you’ll be allowed to choose where to spend eternity.”

“Seriously? Then, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven.”

“I’m sorry, but I have my orders,” St. Peter replied.

And with that, St. Peter escorted him to an elevator and the senator went down — down, down and father down — to hell. The doors opened and he found himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance, he saw a fancy clubhouse. Standing in front of it were all his old friends and other politicians who had worked with him in days gone by.

Everyone seemed very happy.

They were all dressed nicely and having a great time. They ran to greet him, shake his hand and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the taxpayers. They played a friendly game of golf and then dined on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present was the devil, who seemed like a very friendly guy, a sophisticated being who had a good time dancing and telling jokes. They were having such a good time that he didn’t even notice that it was time for him to visit heaven.

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As you watch the Mega Millions jackpot go higher, remember that the federal government spends that much about every hour and a half.

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