David McElroy

After talking with the man and the woman, I figured out why they divorced.

He told me that he saw all of her problems before they married, but he thought she would mature and grow out of the things that bothered him. She told me that he had remained exactly what he had been when they dated, but she thought she could change him. Neither seemed to think he or she needed to grow or change.

A bit of questioning convinced me that the two people never actually knew each other. Yes, they knew the other person’s habits and preferences and moods. But they were clueless about having any real understanding of what made the other what he or she is. I knew things about both of them that the other didn’t know — and I don’t really know this couple that well. Some things are just obvious if you’re paying attention.

It was psychologist David Keirsey who introduced me to the concept of the “Pygmalion project” in his book, “Please Understand Me.” It’s the tendency that many people have to try to mold another person to be just like himself. It’s someone seeing himself as perfectly healthy and mature as he or she is — and trying to force the other person to adjust himself or herself to fit.

“This is just who I’m always going to be,” says the person. “But I have to change her [or him] to be just like me.”

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I have a confession to make.

I used to get into terrible arguments with people online. It could be about all sorts of things, although I guess most of them centered around politics. It took me a long time, but I was finally able to quit doing this. I walk away from argument now. What changed?

First, I admitted to myself that my real motivation for continuing to argue was fear that the other person — or those following the argument — would assume I wasn’t smart enough to respond. I finally realized that it was just my ego getting in the way of walking away.

Second, I finally accepted that it doesn’t matter to me what other people think of me, especially random strangers online. I finally became mature enough — many years after this should have been so — for me not to be intimidated by the fear that someone might think I wasn’t smart enough.

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