David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

VIDEO: Dangerous ideas are the ones that change world for good

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Two days ago, I started out to make a video about something which I needed to talk with you about, but I struggled with it. I eventually realized that I had too much to say — and then I realized that I needed to lay a foundation for where I was going.

Because of that, nothing in this video is what I started out to say. (That will come in another video very soon.) This one might seem dry to some people, but if you’re going to understand where I’m going — and why I’m about to do what I’m going to do — you have to understand the ideass which motivate my actions.

If you’ve been reading me for very long, you will recognize every one of these eight “dangerous ideas” — and you might understand why I think these things are important enough to cause me to rethink some of my plans for the future.

I had far too much to say, so I couldn’t cover these ideas in the depth I do when I write. As a result, I had to edit this down to something far more brief than it should have been.

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I’m losing need to explain myself to those who misunderstand me

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For most of my life, I lived with a fear of not being understood.

When people misunderstood me in some way — my intentions, my ideas, my motivations — I rushed to explain myself. The more I grew and changed, the more my ideas and thinking diverged from that of the mainstream culture around me, so the more I felt alienated. The more I felt misunderstood. And the more I felt a slight panic that I would be “in trouble.”

This took me a long time to figure out.

When I was a child, I constantly had to explain myself. My father could launch into one of his verbal assaults any time the mood struck him. If I said the most casual of things which he misunderstood — as “disrespectful” or wrong in some way — I could be under assault without warning. And once he started, he never backed down.

I learned to go to insane lengths to be clear to him, but I still worried about the inevitable misunderstanding — and I grew up to take that same fear of being misunderstood into all of my life.

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I can force child to obey me, but obedience comes with high cost

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I don’t see how anyone can have a child without feeling terrified.

When you create a new human life, you are having the spirit and health and future of a completely independent person put into your hands. Even if your intentions are good, you can do long-term damage to the child.

You can follow the best advice you can find — from your family and friends and experts of the day — and still get it wrong in ways that leave someone hurt for life. No matter what you do, many people won’t approve of your parenting. If all this doesn’t terrify you, I’m not sure you ought to have a child.

When I was younger, I was scared to have children. When I was married in my late 20s and 30s, I didn’t feel ready. I didn’t quite know why, but I understand now that something in me was afraid of continuing the family patterns that had come down from the families of both of my parents.

Even while I was still struggling to understand my dysfunctional upbringing, I was determined not to do to my children what had been done to me.

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